deli and (weekday) salad

talking to dudes about the replacements

2010-08-08T16:20:00.000-07:00

Hey, hey, hey

(if you're anyone, you'll recognize that as strikingly similar to the regrettable "hit" of Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson, "Say, say, say" - maybe minus the commas).

I just finished reading Talking to Girls About Duran Duran by Rob Sheffield, columnist for Rolling Stone. Book was really, really awesome. It was like "High Fidelity" (which itself is rather similar to the Sheffield's other hit book, Love Is a Mixtape), only better. It completely and utterly summarized for me not only how vulnerable it can feel to like what YOU know is great music, but how that great music can determine your steps, soothe what hurts, and speak to you. Like, really, truly speak to you.

That being said, I know it's been awhile, guys. The past few months have been great. I'm starting a new part of my life tomorrow - here goes a shot at something I know well: music.

Needless to say, Rolling Stone still hasn't hired me. I'm still waiting.

Oh, also, I saw a bumper sticker the other day in the NOLA that said, on top of a "Star Wars" background, "Metaphors Be With You."

I told this to my friend, A. He said, "Metaphors be with you, too. Hungry I am" and proceeded to ceremoniously devour an entire "wet" burrito at Juan's in under 5 minutes.

And that, friends, is the type of crowd I roll with.

gimme gimme symphonies, with a side of drugs

2010-05-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

Dan Black (no relation to Frank Black of the Pixies), the British "wonky pop" artist, sells symphonies with Kid Cudi. We like. I give you, "Symphonies."

I like what's happening here. I needed a change from all the alt stuff I've been listening to.

In addition, I give you Built By Animals. This is my personal favorite song, "Teenage Rampage." Do you believe in drugs, like I know you do?

I penned about a million versions of these lyrics but never showed them to the guys. Weirdly enough, the lyrics I wrote - which, million versions or not, were basically all the same - turned out similar to these. Down to the f-bomb and the beats.

I have every faith that these guys will blow up someday. If Vampire Weekend can do it, they can.

And, for your listening pleasure, I give you The Go Find, "Dictionary."

Next on the lineup, "Graveyard Girl" by M83.

Forgive the weird video, the original video was disabled, by request. Stupid copyright laws.

A little Uruguay for you, courtesy of a friend:

That was, No te va Gustar, "No Hay Dolor." Te va gustar?

Finally, last but not least, an acoustic version of VHS or Beta, "Can't Believe a Single Word."

the hottest heat to hit since people rediscovered the synth

2010-05-17T17:15:00.000-07:00

Testing...testing...1-2-3...

First, there was music.
Then, there was Brooklyn indie-electro pop-rock (otherwise known as "noise pop").
So many syllables. So much awesomeness.

Noise pop, defined: a genre that mixes "punk rock's attitude" with the "atonal" sounds, feedback, and loose to "free" structure of noise music, presented in a "pop context." Personally, I'd never even known noise pop was a genre. Apparently, our old favs The Jesus and Mary Chain launched it back in the mid-80s. Folks are still trying to prove that heavy drug use is 100% behind the genre itself.

So, in a nice segue from the feedback entry I gave you yesterday, here is music that's fucking BUILT on feedback. I give you: Sleigh Bells.

Sleigh Bells originally formed in 2008. Miller and Krauss - the male and female parts of the band, respectively - combined their music backgrounds (him, hardcore, her, pop) to make the now M.I.A.-signed dynamite pack Sleigh Bells. They released their first album, "Treats," last week. Honestly, this the best whole album I've listened to since "Tragic Kingdom" from No Doubt back in '95 (and that kicked off an entire ska revival nation-wide).

feedback the feedback

2010-05-16T17:56:00.000-07:00

I was struck by this quote the other day:

"If you are going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh; otherwise, they'll kill you."
-George Bernard Shaw

Yo, lemme tell you - GBS knew what was up. This quote sticks with me for so many reasons - direct feedback is hard - hard to give, hard to take, hard to listen to, and, as I'm noticing, hard to write about. Indirect feedback? Well, that's just annoying feedback.

I grew up an only child. My cousins were always over, the children of my dad's younger sister, and they were - and will always be - my surrogate siblings. But, let's be real - there were some long stretches where it was...just me. I guess that's why I'm who I am.

As an only child, I often had to be occupied. I was pretty good at occupying myself, don't get me wrong, but there were times when I sought out my parents. My dad had this thing called a dictophone. Let me give you some background: the dictophone was invented as a secretarial aide, so that busy and important people could dictate their notes and then type them at leisure. Thus, my father realized that an excellent way to occupy my time was to set me up in the upstairs attic and let me talk to myself for hours on that dictophone.

Ok, before you jump to conclusions about my childhood and the trauma a child might experience from being thrown in an attic and forced to talk to herself for hours, let's remember who I am. It wasn't exactly abuse to sequester me somewhere and make me run my mouth for an extended period of time. Also, our attic wasn't an attic like in "Bride of Chuckie," it was more of a renovated big room upstairs. You did have to climb a ladder to get to it, though.

Anyway - so this concept of feedback? I never got any on those tapes. There was simply a period in my life where I made them, and then it was over. I hope my dad threw them away. Knowing my mom, she probably has them locked up somewhere, and if I know my mother, that "somewhere" is the cabinet in our dining room. God knows what I said on those things. I'm pretty sure I just babbled for hours on end about veritably nothing or listed tidbits of scatalogical humor. My poor parents probably threw me up there so that I wouldn't talk at THEM for all those hours. And imagine my shock when, come middle school (when even I knew that talking to yourself in an attic on a dictophone wasn't cool), no one wanted to listen to me dominate a conversation for more than 5 minutes. I adapted quickly. Grades 5-8 I was a pretty quiet child, something no one can really fathom now.

This explains so many things:
1. Why I used to have (and often still do have) serious issues weaving a story with a real plot and semblance of any structure whatsoever, much less a beginning and end.
2. Why I often feel an inexplicable urge to take over a conversation.
3. Why I get antsy when I'm silent.
4. Why I need to listen to music to replace silence a lot.
5. Why I'm now writing this (let's face it: this is 2010's dictophone, is it not?)

And, finally, imagine the cruel twist of fate experienced by your humble narrator when, as a 6th grader, a horse kicked me and shattered all 40 of my knuckles (yup, the uppers and lowers) and forced me to spend May and June of 1996 in full-on stump hand casts. Comical, right? Yeah, it was fucking hilarious.

Guess what I took my exams on. Guess, my friends, what my 6th grade Social Studies teacher, that sadist, had me map Africa with. Yes, map Africa. Orally. Latitude, longitude, lakes, rivers, cities, every country, etc. With a dictophone. It should be noted that my ELA/Humanities behemoth of a final project was essentially a memoir. I received an 'A', and I'm pretty sure it was because my teachers huddled around the tape player and all just experienced massive ear hemorrhages simultaneously.

"Shut it off! Shut it off!" I can picture them screaming.
"Give the child an 'A'," they yell in unison.

And this, friends, is why I now leaving singing voicemails on my managers' phones.

This week's lineup:

1. "Turn It Up" by The Feeling

The Feeling is a band out of the UK (that's right, an import) circa 2006. You probably grouped them with Keane, maybe a little Rooney for you people in the USA. I personally don't REALLY see the Rooney reference, but I'll give it to you purely because they're a little alt-pop with some punk influence. This song is catchy, and I'm down with that at this point in my life. You could run to this song, and that's cool. Also check out, "Never Be Lonely" and "Sewn."

2."The Difference Between Us," by The Dead Weather

I mean, I guess I can understand the haunting "7 Nation Army" sound this has, given that Jack White is a quarter of this supergroup that kinda came out of nowhere. I love it, but at the same time, I wish they'd done something even more different.

3. "Flagpole Sitta," by Harvey Danger

Shit, but this is a hard song to get! You have to buy the whole ALBUM on iTunes just to hear this one single! But it's really good. What kills me is that I totally bought the album 12 years ago, when I was 14. Now, I have to buy it again?

Turns out my iTunes is a real motherfucker - they don't even sell the original album (Where have all the merrymakers gone?). You have to buy it through purchase of the "Scooby-Doo 2" soundtrack. Which, actually, I'll tell you, isn't all that bad now that I'm eyeballing it. I'm still wondering though, iTunes, what's really good with no original Harvey Danger in your lineup?

That's all for now guys. Enjoy, feedback some feedback.

life and times and chuckie cheese

2010-05-13T19:01:00.000-07:00

Today, I checked my kids' writing notebooks for a random notebook check. Turns out my wonderful student, K, wrote a very succinct, haiku-like response last night in his notebook. The picture is provided because it helps to capture the intensity in which this was written. The assignment? Describe your week in 20 words or less. This had been a warm-up he had missed from a previous lesson, so I guess he decided to go back and make it up. K went over the word count, understandably. He had a big week.

I read this today and just laughed, because it's so K. First of all, he has written multiple pages explaining key events in U.S. History, and in the same token, he wrote in big letters so that half the page wouldn't be left blank with his 20-word assignment. Second of all, he occupied an entire page to write a warm-up he missed from a random day. This, my friends, is why kids are hilarious.

I have so many questions!

1. How do you pull a muscle at Chuckie Cheese?

2. Where IS there a Chuckie Cheese in NY?

3. Why was my student at a Chuckie Cheese?

4. Do they still have those creepy robotic animals?

I love my job. LOVE my job.

las estrellas de california y los droggas apreton de manos

2010-05-12T06:56:00.001-07:00

Bienvenidos!

What's happening? On this rainy, cold day in New York City - unseasonably cold, I might add - I'm craving something awesome. And what's more awesome than an entire block of Wilco on NPR and a Wilco clip on this awesome blog?

Of my favorite Wilco song?

Live??

Nothing, guys. Well, maybe some things. But I can't think of anything better right now.

You're welcome.

clap your hands and fall in love a little bit

2010-05-07T16:34:00.000-07:00

This post's title was prompted by the underwhelming performance I witnessed from Clap Your Hands...'s front man, Alex Ounsworth.

This post is NOT meant to be underwhelming.

Don't really have much to say. It was a hard week, on a lot of levels, but one that really put things into perspective. I listened to a lot of harder-guitar, heavy-drummed rock tracks. And yeah, the standard 1/4 of what iTunes has glorified as "hippie rock." So sue me.

One day, I'm going to write for Rolling Stone and people are gonna drool over these blog posts. Yeah, one day. One day I'll have my own rickshaw and a golden toilet.

The other part of the title? Falling in love a little bit. So, speaking of underwhelming, G has been totally unimpressed with my binary system, lately. My binary system, I should share with you, is how I view the world. People that I think are attractive (on a variety of levels, please - what do you take me for?) are 1's. People who are not, well - they're 0's.

Common Questions Associated With the Binary System (and Their Answers)
Yes, it is possible for a 1 to become a 0. Sometimes all it takes is that 1 opening his mouth.
No, it is rarely possible for a 0 to become a 1. Hard work usually pays off though.
No, there are no "2's" in this binary system. IT'S BINARY. I don't know who made up the "2" loophole, but I think it was probably someone who wanted to excuse him/herself for screwing around with a lot of 1's and failing to differentiate.
No, looks are not all that I consider when deciding if you're a 1 or a 0.
No, I am not shallow. I only appear to be.

Why even use a system? I mean, first of all, it's a joke guys (I still don't know who that totally serious Sally was that read my blog awhile back, but whoever you were - I feel like I used to offend you daily). But, second, and more importantly, when I first discovered it, I realized that I tend to group most individuals into a 1. On a deserted island, for example, where we were this past February, G pointed out your average group of tanned Chilean men. I looked at them, and sized them up, and, based on looks alone, deemed 3/4 to be 1's. Is that so bad? What about standard deviation and bell curves and shit?

So, point of this is that my friend B, and my other friend G...they both accuse me off falling in love all the time. And, yeah. I guess I do. Is that so bad? I think everyone can stand to fall in love a little bit. You never know what you're gonna get.

This is dedicated to you.

1. "Hurricane J" by The Hold Steady

So here's how I feel about The Hold Steady: awesome. Typically, bands that are fronted by eh-looking dudes rock. Take, for example, Harvey Danger. Highly underrated minor-league frontman. No hate - these guys are still hot, to me. Gotta dig a guy who can wail major-league style.

2. "American Slang" by The Gaslight Anthem

The Gaslight Anthem is the best thing to come out of New Jersey since Springsteen, and the Boss refs are completely warranted. Fallon can rip a story out of a garbage dump, and he can still make it sound wicked good and on-key.

3. "Lust for Life" by Girls

So apparently there is an Iggy Pop song with the same name, that was used in the movie "Trainspotting." I checked it out. Also really good.

4. "Young Adult Friction" by The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

As a teacher, I have to appreciate the double entendre happening here. Their band name is super-annoying.

5. "C'mon" by The Soft Pack

Wow. Didn't know a plurality of this band was totally hot until I checked out their stiz on YouTube. Props, boys. You know how I feel about flannel-wearing guitar-playing brown-haired boys.

6. "Floating Vibes" by Surfer Blood

This band withstands a lot of Vampire Weekend comparisons. I only say withstands because I'm not sure it's an entirely good thing - I get a different vibe (pardon the pun) from them. They're a good summer band, we'll stick with them.

7. "Tighten Up" by The Black Keys

The Black Keys fucking rock. Amen.

8. "Laredo" by Band of Horses

I couldn't get this song out of my head for 2 weeks. Total change from the "Funeral" album. Much more chord-oriented and less pick guitar.

9. "Someone to Shove" by Soul Asylum

Great classic from early '90s. Also a highly underrated band - you probably met Soul Asylum somewhere in your teens with "Runaway Train," and you probably thought they were Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Here is one case where I make an exception to my boy rule and think a blond-ish boy is cute.

10. "Molly (16 Candles)" by Sponge

GOOD LORD this is a great song. Also a throwback - even this vid is from '96. I went on a '90s binge on my music search, ok? Check out another Sponge song, "Plowed," and fall in love a little bit.

11. "Keep Fishin'" by Weezer

Possibly the greatest Weezer VIDEO (video guys, not song, video) ever made. Muppets. MUPPETS. I <3 Rivers Cuomo.

12. "Song for the Girl" by Vox Jaguars

And, finally, a little Vox Jaguars. Nothing like some Latin in your name to spice things up.

it's magic

2010-04-26T17:45:00.000-07:00

Oh, hey, here we go - one more thing to steal the show.

Rivers Cuomo, my on-again, off-again (ok, let's be real, he's never "off-again") crush, has teamed up with B.o.B.

And, with one [fitting] magic stroke, the worlds of Alt-Rock and Rap are combined.

Not just pseudo-combined, like in the past. Rivers Cuomo is the real deal.

B.o.B. ft. Rivers Cuomo of Weezer, "Magic"

Enjoy, frinz.

things i like about warm weather

2010-04-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

My current status: @ Starbucks
Current Parenthetical Info: I really, really hate Starbucks, but I had to pee so badly that I was forced to come here, and then, I had to justify my being here, so I paid $3.99 for internet and a seat next to a woman who I waited 10 minutes to use the bathroom after. All this after I was locked out of the boys' apartment pre-the seminal birthday celebration of one AO, who is turning 26 today (Happy Birthday, A). I guess when they said "Arrive at 5:30 PM" they really meant, "Arrive whenever we get here, which is basically Pacific Coast Time."
Why do you hate Starbucks? I'm so glad you asked. I grew up in the Dirty Dirty (New Orleans), where we have a lot of "homegrown" chains. None of this Caribou Macchiato or Mucho Mucho Mocha shit. So when Starbucks moved in, I boycotted until I absolutely couldn't boycott anymore. It's still very much a matter of principle.
Does this remind you of when you would fill out those surveys as a middle schooler? A little bit, yeah, except it's weird that I'm filling it out for myself, by myself. I've never done this before but now it's just happening.
Would you rather be sweating or freezing? Sweating, any day.
But would you rather die of freezing or burning? Weird. The former.
What's happening in that Starbucks, now? Well, I'm also glad you asked. Just now, a lady walked in and made quite a fuss about her entrance. She wished everyone a round of Good Afternoons, which is nice and stuff, and then proceeded to narrate her journey through the 12x12 Starbucks. She spoke at a volume appropriate for a metal concert.
What's on your mind? Food, followed by music. Usually it's just music.

Things I Like About Warm Weather, in no particular order:
1. You get to wear cooler clothes. Literally and figuratively.
2. When people are enveloped in warmth and humidity their outlooks on life dramatically increase.
3. Dark tanning oil.
4. No, seriously, I love smelling like a banana boat.
5. Flowers.
6. Love is in the air. No one breaks up when it's warm, because when it's warm, people wear less clothing, and that makes people think of sex, and there you have it. Go see the movie "Clueless," she explains it better than I do.
7. You can eat ice cream for dinner. When I was in Florida, this old guy came into the ice cream store where there was a wrap-around line and where closing had very clearly already happened. They were basically just serving people who had already arrived before closing and were waiting patiently. This dude looks at the line and then the ice cream lady.
"We're closed," she informed him.
"But...I'm dying."
"We're really closed."
"I only have 12 hours to live!" he declared.
She gave him a sideways look and ushered him in quickly.
"He says that every time. He's a regular," she whispered to a customer.
"I'm a character in a video game," the geezer responded, eavesdropping.
"And what is it that you DO in this video game?" retorted the ice cream lady.
"Die. And eat ice cream."

Following this, the gentleman proceeded to walk around the store and peer over the shoulders of individuals eating their own ice cream, not saying a word.
8. If we were in New Orleans, warm weather - really warm weather - marks the beginning of snowball season. This is what Southerners called shaved ice. But it's better than that crap at Madison Square Garden.
9. SUMMER.
10. And, finally, swimming.

Music coming soon. I kinda wore it out with that last April piece.

april showers bring sick jams

2010-04-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

Heyheyhey, what's happening?

I'll tell you what's happening. I've been on a bender. A music bender.

Bender (def): An extended period of general merry-making following a rut, accompanied typically by bad decisions [that sometimes actually turn out to be great decisions].

Well? I went out of my comfort zone and downloaded a song by clicking my mouse on the wrong song. I'm sitting there, thinking I wasted 99 cents on Itunes, and what do you know...that song was the SHIT.

So one thing led to another, and now look where I am. Some oldies, some goodies, but in general, a song for every day of April. Otherwise known as the April Playlist. Enjoy. Anecdotes later, fools.

1. "Two Times" by The Blakes

White Stripes' little kid brother.

2. "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears

Later covered by Christian Burns, this song remains a great.

3. "Gorgeous Behavior" by Marching Band

What a lovely song. You and your g

4. "Get Over It" by OK GO

Maybe the best bender song on this whole list. "Got a body like a battle axe" is a line that only OK GO could write/right.

5. "Help Me" The Mommyheads
The Mommyhead central
Sorry, but this song must be too underground for youtube to have exploited already. Gotta dig this up on Itunes. Welcome back The Mommyheads from their 10-year hiatus and say hello to indie rock n' roll.

6. "I Fought the Law" covered by The Clash
FUCKING GREAT. R.I.P. Joe Strummer.

7. "7/4 Shoreline" by Broken Social Scene

As we approach summer, I bring you: Broken Social Scene.

8. "Zoomba" by Starlight Mints

I once dated a guy who wore zoombas. It was interesting. This song has a steady backbeat, and therefore, I like it.

9. "The Weight of Her" by Butch Walker

Butch Walker is all over the internet as an "undiscovered great," which leads me to think he IS, in fact, discovered. I was originally going to put "Fixed Gears and Broken Hearts," which is my favorite (slower) BW song, but this one has got a good feel to it. Jam.

10. "Nowhere's Nigh" by Parts & Labor

My current favorite right now. MVP on this list. This was THE song I accidentally downloaded.

11. "Sunday Noises" by Califone
Sunday noises
Califone sings a polite, little-bit-pleading and guitar-heavy track.

12. "I Was Here" by Cabin

Love this band. Love this song.

13. "California On My Mind" by Wild Light

Maybe it's just my mood, but here's my 2nd place finisher on this list. The video's cool as hell. The lyrics...are sparse, but, honestly, I kinda like it that way.

14. "We Built This City" by Camron f. Diplomats

Any established rock artist who readily employs '80s power tracks - especially Starship power tracks - in his hook has GOT to be recognized on a relatively obscure blog site. You're welcome, Camron/Diplomats.

15. "Saints" by Army Navy

Here's the bronze. Our lead singer here is a liiiiittle bit whiny, but I think it's intentional, and the lyrics and lead guitar are so sick it doesn't even matter a little bit.

16. "Great Lakes" by Telekinesis

West coast indie. Rock it out, Portland.

17. "Tell Me Something Good" by Chaka Khan

Shocka-Con. Love her.

18. "Good Day" by Nappy Roots

This is the song G plays in the shower every other day, and I've grown to associate it with a) hygiene and b) cleanliness.

19. "Silver Lining" by Rilo Kiley

3 years ago, I loved this song. I love it again now. Her voice is so versatile and so strong and so quiet at the same time.

20. "Unsatisfied" by Nine Black Alps

Not as good as the Replacements "Unsatisfied," and they're not trying to be. Different band, different song. But still awesome.

21. "You and Me Song" by The Wannadies

You all know my passion for the R&J soundtrack. Here's another diddy - and I think this band's one-hit wonder.

22. "Burning for What" by The Yelling
burning for this
I was really a bit shocked I couldn't find this one on youtube either.

23. "Fight Song" by The Republic Tigers

Featured it before, featuring it again.

24. "Oh! Forever" by brakesbrakesbrakes

Typically, bands with names like this (brakesbrakesbrakes) annoy the shit out of me both before and after a listen. But this one? Exception to the rule.

25. "Cindy Incidentally" by The Faces

Rod Stewart. In a unitard.

26. "Dating a Porn Star" by The Weepies

Forgive the weird fan vid, perplexed by/in love with the lyrics, and adore the guitar.

27. "Got It Bad" by The Broken West

Swedes in Broken West do it again.

28. "Domino" by Big Pink

The new Passion Pit, only cooler. Them girls falllikedominoes.

29. "Are You Lightning?" by Nada Surf

They're great in concert, and this song's chords are so simple it's hard not to love it.

30. "Black Hole" by The Silent Years

Black Hole - what a better way to end this guy?

census and sensibility

2010-03-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

Normally, I write a little when I feel the urge or hear a few good songs. Now was one of those times. G came out just now, and she announced that we needed to do our census, which
came in the mail.
She began reading out loud.
"We need your help to count everyone in the United States," she narrated. "Jesus. It's like Sesame Street for America."

G continued perusing the large envelope, not unlike a college acceptance letter.
"I'm going to underestimate our household so we get more money for our neighborhood," she announced. Probably good, since Umberto's could use the extra cash so they don't get seized for a day, again.

"Hey," she began, after a while reading what seemed like a lengthy document. "Do you remember that song, 'These Are the People in Our Neighborhood?' "
"Who's that by," I asked. "REM?"
"No, they sang that song, 'Stand In the Place Where You Live.' You can't just suggest that every well-known song is sung by REM."

I take a long look at this census document. It says a lot of shit on the front. Scary things, like "YOUR RESPONSE IS REQUIRED BY LAW" and allegations that if you use this type of thing for your own private use (cut out all those fantasies of conducting your OWN decennial census, suckas), you will owe Uncle Sam $300.

YOUR RESPONSE IS REQUIRED BY LAW. This, like other large-print or shiny things, definitely catches my eye. G has commented on my print awareness before. I'm the type of person that reads billboards and signs out loud while on road trips/neighborhood walks, just to do it. Just because I can. I say it out loud, as it that makes it real. YOUR RESPONSE IS REQUIRED BY LAW.
"You can't just make that funny. You can't yell things into funny," commented G.
"But it is funny," I returned. "It's like when people typed in all caps on AOL in 5th grade."
G sighs. "All I know...if I got high one night, that would really be the end of it."

It also says U.S. Census 2010 on the front. I express my confusion that I haven't filled out one of these before.
"I've never been thrown in jail. Do you think it's just a mixup?"
"What? Are you kidding? Aren't you a Social Studies teacher?"
"What? I haven't!"
"The census. It's done every 10 years. HELLO. I'm debating adding you as a household adult on this thing now."

So, April 1. As G pointed out, that's gonna be a big day. Are we all going to have to stand up? Wear a number? Identify the real Slim Shady? That's apparently the day the Census Results are coming out. What a month, that April. Taxes. Census. It's like, National Government Month. I start wondering aloud what numbers we're going to be, when I notice the return address on the envelope and the apparent home of the United States Census Bureau (and some other stuff). Want to know where it is? Essex, MD.

"Do you think people in Essex are counted first?" I wonder aloud.
"Why?"
"Because that's where the Census Bureau is."

G's face basically turns white. It has apparently been her dream to be like, lucky number 13 in the 2010 US Census. Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

"That is an atrocity. I mean, think of some trash town in Louisiana," G begins, as an attempt to explain exactly how much of a disgrace it is to her that Essex is purportedly counted first. Let us all just keep in mind that, for all I know (which really isn't much, considering I "forgot" we conduct the census every 10 years), they could count that stuff alphabetically.

"Kentwood," I throw out. Home of Britney Spears. Incidentally and maybe tragically, also home of most of Louisiana's clean bottled water.
"We have a Kentwood too! It's right next to Essex! Trash town!" Grace confirms. "Well I can tell you what. If they're counting Essex first, then this mobile home stipulation really applies."

Five minutes later, as she's filling out the household information:
"I'm going to say that you're 'non-Hispanic.'"
"That would be accurate."
"But, I don't know, you have all that...Spanish stuff in your background."

G unfolds the huge thing somewhat like a driver unfolding a road map. It is my tendency to shy away from complicated things like that, so when I see it begin to morph into a Twister board, I get up to get some water. G lets out a second sigh and a sound communicating disbelief.
"That's it. Wait, that was it? What a letdown. Is there a followup census? They didn't even ask my income!"

We decide to investigate on the census website after I pose the age-old question: When was the first US Census? and after G decides she will die if she doesn't find out why the form ended so abruptly. And finally, the dreaded question number 3, which doesn't really even need to be answered since G is in the process of signing and sealing that baby as we speak: What happens to you if you don't mail that shit in?

Answer to Question 1: 1790.

According to The U.S. Census Bureau:

The official U.S. Census is described in Article I, Section 2 of the Constitution of the United States. It calls for an actual enumeration of the people every ten years, to be used for apportionment of seats in the House of Representatives among the states. The first official Census was conducted in 1790 under Thomas Jefferson, who was the Secretary of State. That census, taken by U.S. marshals on horseback, counted 3.9 million inhabitants. Since that time, the decennial Census has been conducted every ten years, generally on April 1 in years ending in a zero.

Translation: We fill out this form every ten years (that's a decennial census, folks) so that the US government can, according to the Associated Press, divvy up legislative lines, apportion House seats, and throw around federal aid. $400 billion worth.

Answer to Question 2: 1 in 6 households gets "the long form." G wanted the long form. Typical.

If you get the long form, it's pretty much like an Excel File Christmas. You get to answer questions in two major categories: Population and Housing. There are many exciting questions, not unlike a government survey rollercoaster, such as "What language do you speak at home?" and "Are your grandparents your caretakers?" and "Do you use or operate heavy farm equipment?"

Isn't that magical? It's apparently part of G's 2010 Barbie Dream House. I'm pretty sure she's online now trying to figure out how to cancel our original form and get "the long form." Proof that while bigger may not always be better, longer most definitely is.

Answer to Question 3: A U.S. Census worker personally knocks on your door. This is especially scary to immigrants, according to a Denver local newspaper, since they're afraid of giving their information to the government as it is. Don't know what happens after that. I'm sure it involves the C.I.A. or the F.B.I. or the I.R.S. or the A.T.F. or the WTF.

In celebration of the census, some of my favorite songs with numbers in them will be coming out soon.

99 problems and CCR

2010-03-14T18:33:00.000-07:00

People frequently tell me that I am positive. Well, I'm positive about one thing right now. This weather sucks. And it's making me sick. Quite literally, but also figuratively. Apparently it's also causing me to write in fragments.

Problem: Weather in NYC
Let me be real with you. The weather right now is like an old lady's bathwater. Only cold. And it smells like cats outside. Cats and cod, because I live on the outskirts of Chinatown. Maybe that's perch I smell. Which is not to say that Chinatown (or China, for that matter) smells like perch, but the 5-block stretch down Chrystie past Bowery is just not a good place for me at 6 in the morning, or anytime past 4 in the afternoon. The weather and moisture doesn't really do much except amplify that smell.

Solution: "Who'll Stop the Rain," Creedence Clearwater Revival
Sure. CCR is "older." Aged, we'll say. But, like a fine wine, CCR just continues to get better with age, except for the part where the Fogertys had a ridiculous falling-out and basically tore apart the band.

Facts:
1. CCR is one of those bands I dig out every now and then. This song was originally released as part of a double-sided 45 in 1970, and it's one of two "rain songs" CCR has penned and thrown out to the public as a platinum winner.
2. CCR is frequently mislabeled as "southern rock" even though these guys are all originally from the Bay Area. Though, it should be noted, both the Bay Area and the South, are, like, totally rainy.
3. I also missed this band on trivia last week and regrettably suggested that Doug Clifford was someone else's drummer. I'm an idiot. The category was "Hall of Fame Bands and Their Drummers."
4. CCR has got to be one of the most popular bands to emulate as you start your music career. It seems like everyone started as a CCR-cover band. Kurt Cobain even did.

Problem: Justin Bieber

Solution: At a loss. He is everywhere.
I am not heartless. I am not deluded. I'm sure Justin Bieber is a nice guy. I'm sure he has a devoted fan base and a loving family. I really do believe that there are pre-adolescent girls everywhere probably sweating ferociously at the thought of the new Tiger Beat and licking posters of JB wherever they may be, who would probably claw my eyes out if they could read this random internet site.

I also have no doubt that there are numerous acts out there, with little to no talent, roughly as famous if not MORE famous than this Justin kid; on the other hand, I'd bet most of my possessions that there are equally as many acts with far more talent, too, that aren't blowing up. Has this kid even finished third grade? How are you allowed to sign a record contract when you haven't lost your baby teeth? Are we experiencing Aaron Carter deja-vu?

I'm also completely aware that while I have a personal, cultured hatred for him with very little (if any) foundation in reality, he actually does possess legit singing talent and managed to hook it with Luda! for a video that takes place in a fucking bowling alley.

I just also remember hearing one of his songs for the first time and thinking, "Oh. That's a boy?"

It's weird. Because I actually admire this kid for that earlier part - the bowling alley/Ludacris stiz. Gotta hand it to an 8-year-old who can strut with the man that recited verse after verse about how he took women to poundtown on the 50-yard-line and transformed Ray Charles into a pop icon every rapper wanted to sample (second place, Kanye, sorry).

I still just don't understand how he his sniffles were a bigger tweeting topic than Haiti.

blitzen trapper > wolf blitzer

2010-03-09T19:05:00.000-08:00

Nothing of note has happened in my life, except I noticed that my alarm clock has not been working and I've awakened at the exact same, mildly late, stupid hour Monday and Tuesday of this week (6:23 AM).

I set my clock dumb early. I actually set two alarm clocks, just so I don't get screwed and sleep in. If I had a dog, I'd have no issue. When I was in high school, my dog would lick me in the morning and wake me up. Gross, right? But it worked.

I set my clock for 5:45 AM. I then carefully set my phone alarm on Vibrate + Tone for 5:50 to wake up me 5 minutes later. My alarm clock is out of my immediate reach, thus forcing me to move and "wake up." So far, in 26 years of life, this tactic has not worked. One of the following things happens:

1. My alarm clock incorporates itself into my REM cycle.
2. My phone decides to not work out of pure random awfulness and, on the very same day, my alarm clock goes "Ksshshhhhhhhhh" because, in my efforts to set the alarm (I still don't know how to do it exactly right) I have set it unknowingly on "radio" and it's not tuned to a station. I cannot tune it to a station because #1 would happen (and the song would play in my dream).
3. My alarm clock goes off, my phone goes off, and I inadvertantly press snooze.
4. I press snooze in my sleep.
5. I just sleep through all that shit.

Did anyone pick up on the fact that I actually set my alarm for the ludicrous hour of 5:45 AM? Ha. I got up that early maybe like, once this whole year. It is set that early purely so that I can enjoy exactly 18 minutes of extra sleep and FEEL like it's extra sleep. Studies have actually shown that this is detrimental. That your body gets into a bad cycle. WTF. It feels great.

Here's to waking up tomorrow.

Now- welcome to my favorite new bands of rightthissecond:

1. Folksy sound/Best overall: Blitzen Trapper

Deemed the "Neo-Cash." Listen, I don't really dig the Cash comparison - call me a blasphemer to all music, but I'm not a huge Cash devotee. But I do love the chill sound here.

2. Broken Bells, i.e., The Shins By a Different Name (Plus More Electronica)

John Mercer of The Shins started a new band. Here it is. Some of the songs sound more Shins-y than others; this is the furthest from Shins I could find. I love the Shins. I just don't think that your side project band should sound like their younger, more alternative brother.

3. Gorillaz, "Plastic Beach" album (Left Field Award)

So I think the Gorillaz have a good thing happening. Wasn't sure how I felt about the album at first, but after a day of steady listening, I'm going with Rolling Stone, who loves it. They particularly love this song:

That's "Some Kind of Nature," f. Lou Reed (of Velvet Underground fame). Did you know Velvet Underground had a chick drummer? I found that out tonight, when I got fucking STEAMROLLED in trivia by an entire team wearing mom jeans. Yay for me. Honestly? Like the song. It's probably my favorite on the album. But here's the thing: while RS hypes the fact that Gorillaz distances themselves from their dance-floor anthems in these tracks, I'm kind of missing what I expected. And while I'm grooving to this album in general, I'm left wondering - what happened to songs like "Dare"? You'd think I'd be all over Lou Reed + Gorillaz.

What's undeniable is the beat. Check out "Stylo," the first single to drop, and "Superfast Jellyfish," featured below.

4. Song I Can't Get Outta My Head: Cake, "Let Me Go"

5. Song I Secretly Listen To @ 6:45 AM (assuming I awaken)

Hmmmmmm...
In other news, like Sade, don't love Sade, despite the intense Sade love going around. Like the main track, don't love the main track, love the hook on the main track (Kool Moe Dee's "Wild Wild West," circa 1988 bitches).

In other other news, I think the somewhat obscure alt-pop band The Academy Is... (I don't care what their official ITunes label is, they're alt-pop) does a great cover of "Fox on the Run."

And, as always, life is good people.

you can go your own way

2010-03-07T10:24:00.000-08:00

Lots of times, artists write about what moves them. Lots of times, those things are places.

So, here's a shorter entry all about songs that feature cool places. Or, places in general.

A few things you should know:
A. I did not feature James Taylor's "Mexico" because it's, while it's a great song, it's highly overplayed.
B. I tried to sample each continent, but, let's be real, there are way cooler songs written about parts of the US alone than songs about a) Australia or b) Antarctica for that matter.
C. I tried to sample a variety of genres. So if you hate it, don't listen to it, but I know I like this.
D. You're welcome.

1. Coconut Records, "The West Coast"

Love this song. G just played it, which inspired me to write this shit down. I forgot how much I like it. A friend made me listen to it years ago, and I've stuck with it ever since. It's sweet without being sappy.

2. Van Halen, "Panama"

Hair bands unite. God bless Van Halen. I should probably add that, as a longtime Van Halen enthusiast, this song isn't actually about the place, Panama (or, Panama City Beach, FL, which is much more likely considering Van Halen and their exploits). It's about a car. But you can keep that between you and me.

3. Murray Head, "One Night in Bangkok"

Fun fact: this song was originally written for a musical, "Chess" (sounds really compelling, right?) and millions of people think it's actually sung by The Pet Shop Boys. They are all wrong.

4. Billy Joel, "Vienna"

Billy Joel, this is one of the reasons you landed so many chicks from 1975-1985.

5. Sufjan Stevens, "Jacksonville"

This man is a genius. He wrote an entire set of songs just about every state, and here's Florida's tribute. Enjoy.

6. Lily Allen, LDN

The vowels are missing, but here's the second European contender.

7. Nas, "New York State of Mind"

Nas, before he broke up with Kelis, had a separate house in GA, used specifically for them getting it on, in order to cut down on noise violations in the Buckhead area of ATL. Tragically, ironic, now that THEY actually live in separate houses.

8. Orishas, "Represent Cuba"

Mira, una cancion representando Cuba (no clue if I wrote that in any way correctly).

9. Band of Horses, "The Great Salt Lake"

Band of Horses, great band, great songs, great names for their great songs.

10. Bob Dylan (f. Johnny Cash, here) "Girl From the North Country"

As one internet commentator put it best: "It's hard to believe people watch cat videos when this is here."

Have a great week guys. Providing more for your musical edification later.

'cause i'm an alum, yo

2010-03-01T18:16:00.000-08:00

Hey college-attenders everywhere. Calling all alumni:

The newest thing to hit the music scene? Well admittedly, not TOO new, but pretty great nonetheless. We're talking homemade rap videos of varying quality by well-educated, affluent gentlemen about their colleges or post-grad existences.

For me, it started with the boys of the Dolla Crew ($). If you want to know more, you should twitter binx310 (the Big Daddy of the criz) or look 'em up on the FB.

Quick Bio (by me):
DJ Curious started off reppin' at humble W&L with homemade turntable sets. That turned into spinnin' his own beats, and now? Now look at him. He's assembled a crew from the dudes he once sampled, and they're heatin' up our nation's capital.

Yes, I was privileged enough not only to attend university with these gentlemen but also to have them befriend me. If you go to www.myspace.com/dollarecordings, you too can hear the joyous sounds of "Cougar Huntin.'" I've been hounding DJ Curious for this to actually own on Itunes for maybe a year now. Where's the love?

And then there's this gem, set to the sampled backbeat of old, familiar "Downtown":

How do the boys describe themselves? As "the founding fathers on some hip-hop shit."

INTERMISSION

Similar bracket, different flava, we welcome The Allen Jokers - real "Midd Kids." The quality of this vid's a bit better, but I gotta say I like the flow of the DJ to Robinson's quick quips.

Quick Bio (by me):
These kids are HI-larious. Maybe it's just because I myself went to a small east-ish coast-ish school, but ah-mazing. Self-described as "jokers," the Allen Jokers grew into the Middlebury existence on Allen Hall (according to a recent interview) and just took it from there. This song features a medley of stereotypes, all of them expertly depicted, from double-polo RL-wearin' laxers to Carhart-overall-rockin' ladies.

In other news, today I was walking home and I was texting and walking at the same time - something I rarely do as it compromises the little coordination I possess. Well, actually, I got out of a cab and narrowly missed hitting a delivery man by about .02 seconds. I then was cursed out by a woman rapidly following him. Maybe she was totally hungry, who knows. All's well that ends well.

Back to me. I was heading home and texting, and walking, which typically is a recipe for disaster. I was walking next to a really hot guy. And I mean, I'm a girl, so I noticed this guy, and even though I'm not much to look at by the time the clock hits 7 PM on your average Monday, I looked at him anyway. So there's the guy, who sees me, looking at him, like a total creep. I'm still texting, and walking, and I start laughing at what G types to me, because, I mean, it's funny. Then I trip. Then I text and trip repeatedly for a good block or so as I try to get my balance back but for whatever reason, at that moment, I decided the best way to regain my balance clearly did not involve stopping my phone activity.

The guy looked at me like I was crazy, and then he walked away. Figures. And I continue to prove to the world that I'm an idiot savant.

best day ever 2k10

2010-02-26T07:37:00.000-08:00

My life is officially changed. Officially.

1. Today is my third Snow Day ever. Chancellor Joel Klein and Mayor Bloomberg tagteamed New York and we have a day off, again (did I mention it's the third time in my entire life), on a Friday no less, and I'm going to be using it for all it's worth.

Oh, you would like to know what I'm doing? So far the list we've compiled since 5:30 AM reads:
1. Brunch in Ft. Greene
2. Build snowmen
3. Make spiked cider/cocoa
4. Throw snowballs
5. Sledding in Ft. Greene or Central Park
6. I suggested we make maple sugar candy like Laura Ingalls Wilder/Little House on the Prairie, where you pour maple syrup into the snow, but alas, as we are not pioneers, no one thought that would be any fun. Or tasty.

2. Even BETTER, I discovered a cover of Steve Winwood's classic "Back in the High Life Again" by none other than the eminent Warren Zevon. You're welcome.

Have a great day. I know I will.

knockdown palace

2010-02-23T19:31:00.000-08:00

As we were sitting around dinner about a week ago, back when I lived in paradise and my life wasn't dictated by an actual clock but by a conch shell and the terms "sunshine" and "nighttime," back in the good old days...

As we were sitting around dinner, about a week ago, when I said, "I'd rather be sweating than freezing any day," when I thanked the skies and trees and everything holy for sunburns, and really, truly, sincerely hoped that maybe, just maybe, we'd get stranded on that place named Frank's Island. Never in my entire life have I ever liked the name Frank. Until last week. Now I'm in freakin' love with Frank.

As we were sitting around dinner, a weekish ago, someone mentioned the danger of electrical currents. How did this conversation start, you may ask? Isn't it fairly obvious - that electrical currents are relatively dangerous? G brought up that a good way to make sure you followed through on a resolution would be to wear a taser-collar, like the ones they featured in the Dorito's Superbowl commercials. G mentioned that she'd taser me anytime I used the phrase "bendito" last year, for example. I volunteered that I'd handle a taser collar no problem, because I've actually been blessed enough to have run into an electric fence. Clearly I've recovered from that time, but I was recalling it for the audience. Notice my skills when put on the spot:

"Wait, you ran into an electric fence?" - A
"Yeah. I knocked down." - Me

Though I may fool all of you into thinking I'm brilliant, my speech is at best, decipherable, and at worst, garbage.

Lesson learned: "Knocked down" always, always takes an object (knocked boots, knocked down the sauce, knocked on the door). And I'm an English teacher.

Here are some kickers for your week as we approach the middleoftheweek:

1. Linkin Park, "Bleed It Out"

Linkin Park is one of those rare exceptions I make with sk8er bands in general. This is maybe the best song, next to The Killers entire Hot Fuss album, that I can think of to run to right now. It took me 3 years to get over my severe over-listening of The Killers and subsequent disappointment at their follow-up albums, but I'm proud to say I'm back in the game.

2. The Killers, "On Top"

So, speaking of The Killers, here are some things I know:
1. Brandon Flowers, you're welcome.
2. Any song that mentions "Rio" is wicked good.
3. "We bring the bump to the grind" is a good lyric, period.

3. Lloyd Banks f. Juelz Santana "Beamer, Benz, or Bentley"

I once applied to be Juelz Santana's PA. True story. He never wrote back to me. WTF? Truth? I actually kinda like this song. I had to listen to it about 5 times first, but I do. Be in a movin' mood though, homes. Otherwise your head might spin.

4. Mason Jennings, "I Love You and Buddha Too"

Fuck, but Mason Jennings is great. Good enough for gratuitous cursing (no apologies). I don't even mind those sideburns, or the hair. Jack Johnson jumped in there in this video, but you know what? This is not really my favorite MJ song, but it is the sweetest (for me). I dig "California," myself.

5. The Band, "Atlantic City"

Originally recorded by my dad, Bruce Springsteen. Ok not my dad. But a girl can dream, right? I have an unadulterated, unwavering American blue-jean love for Bruce Springsteen, which I can neither extinguish nor explain. It's not that I think Bruce Springsteen is the best or the greatest (I don't), but I connect him inextricably with summers at the shore, late summer nights, jean shorts, and the levee. And those memories alone make him great. And this song just got 10x better 'cause it's sung by The Band.

6. Amos Lee, "Supply and Demand"

I like the rock (like rock-a-bye-baby rock, not just rock-n-roll) of this song. It has a good lilting feeling to it.

7. Common f. Lily Allen, "Driving Me Wild"

I want to be Lily Allen in this video. Don't know how Common decided to hook it with Lily, or if it was vice versa, but the piano beat and the vibe here are the ish.

8. Deftones, "Drive"

Holler at a Cars song covered by a hard-rocking band. I pretty much hate The Deftones and thought this cover was so good I bought the whole album because it was one of those "album only" songs on the Itunes playlist whathaveyou. I would've just pirated it, but after the regrettable $200 field trip to Best Buy wherein I discovered that pirating music frequently leads to numerous viruses on your computer, I've given up the Jack Sparrow existence. Anyway, it's saying something that I allowed this trash onto my computer for one stellar cover.

9. Discovery, "I Want You Back"

If you don't take drugs, this song might not be as great. But I still think it is.

10. Dyme Def, "Let It Be"

Been having this song for awhile but it just never stops being awesome. Beatles + rap = love.

11. Everclear, "Local God"

I'm noticing that every.single.song with "Romeo and Juliet" somewhere in the lyrics, or in this case, fan vid, is terrific. When R&J first came out in, what, 1996 (?) my mom thought it was a bit too "sexy" or "forward" for me to see in theaters, so of course, I went to my friend's house, and we watched it there and ogled at Leo. Leo was straight out of his awkward homeless "Growing Pains" adolescence and looking fiiiiiine, I might add. And while everyone else was falling apart over the Desiree song, "Missing You," and making out with their gross twelve-year-old boyfriends, I was jamming to Everclear. Best song on the album. And it was a great album. I think I received it 4 times that year as a gift.

12. Jurassic 5, "Concrete Schoolyard"

One of the epic items from the "Relic Playlist." Love it when a video cuts to each of the people featured in the video and gives them solo shots. Like here. I'm waiting with baited breath for someone to make a mashup with this song.

13. Phantom Planet, "Raise the Dead"

I have a soft spot for guys who can jam as well acoustically as they can with stereo systems and sound equipment. But it's well worth it to check out the "real" version of this song.

14. Bob Dylan, "Not Dark Yet"

Appreciate.

15. T. Rex, "Mambo Sun"

<3, Marc Bolan. His voice is sexy. His sound is sexy. Mambo Sun, hell, even the name of this song is sexy. Lyrics don't make sense. But sexy.

ADIOS KIDS

who is running this show??

2010-02-21T18:13:00.001-08:00

Well. That's specific. Another HBO Greenlight production, that proclaims it's all about "how to make it in America."

It's a new series. About getting there.

Everything can happen.

WTF? May as well write, "New Show. About Stuff. Featuring People."

Sidenote: Kid Cudi's on the show (A+) and his comments, roughly summarized:
"It's cool that people get to see me, like, act and stuff. Dope. Real dope."

Looks like Kid Cudi's been taking cues from the show's screenwriters and ad-writers.

Love,
Your Writer

the 51st state just entered the union

2010-02-21T08:23:00.001-08:00

Here's a moment:
G and I are having family time with her brother, P. I'm sitting here on the couch, typing away and listening to music, and G is folding laundry. I decide to start looking up tickets to the Avett Brothers because this thingy pops up on my blog when the video finishes saying that I can win tickets, which would be SWELL because then I wouldn't have to pay. Even better.

So I am on the Avett Brothers website, looking up potential tour dates, and it looks like they're playing in Hunter, NY for "Mountain Jam." That's in the Catskills, friends. Actually it sounds really cool.

So I say, "Hey, G, wanna go to Mountain Jam?"

She goes, "HA! That sounds like it's in West Carolina."

We all stare at her, and she collapses in a fit of laughter. P goes, "Is that near East Virginia? North Carolina, South Carolina, West Virginia, West Carolina. Yep, sounds about right."

Here's to Mountain Jam. Camping + plaid + good music + mountains? Sign me up.

what happens when part of you is in panama?

2010-02-21T05:04:00.001-08:00

Bienvenidos, amigos. I just got back from the land of sunshine and beaches, old ruins and Colombia- closeness.

Right now, I'm tightly wrapped in blankets on G's childhood bed, where it feels like it's 40 below here in Baltimore, and I think I left part of me in Panama. That might explain why I'm so freaking cold.

Let me start at the beginning, like any good story. We arrived in Panama City lateish, and I went outside to talk to one of the men organizing cabs. Don't ask me how I can magically communicate in Spanish now, except for the fact that it was my New Year's resolution. But I can. So we got a cab with what seemed like a very nice, normal individual.
First question: "Ingles? Espanol?"
My response: "Ingles, por favor."
His reaction: Continues to speak in Spanish for a good five minutes.

After arguing about nothing for a good five minutes (establishing very firmly how much we'd pay, where we were going, over and over, as our driver insisted that if we paid $30, he'd be forced to take the 45-minute long way, but if we paid $33, he could take the 25-minute shortcut) G pointed out that he had asked us if we wanted to speak in English. That was maybe the crossroads. Our humble cab driver started with his mind-control hypothesis. Everyone in the world, but primarily in former Soviet Bloc countries and the US, is under serious mind control. How, you may ask? Low-frequency waves.
Second question: "Microwaves?"
His response: "No. Waves like...low frequency. All over."
My reaction: "Oh. That makes sense."

Also of note: there are massive WOMDs in Alaska.
Third question: "Like, nuclear weapons?"
His response: "No, MUCH bigger."
My reaction: "Oh. That makes sense."
G's reaction: "I've been to Alaska and I didn't see them. Why is that?"
His response: "They hide them."

Apparently, these "they" are very secretive, elusive, and crazy smart. "They" also control the weather. "The flowers can feel it," he went on. "It's in the air." When pressed for more details, he explained that China is also taking all American jobs, and Italy's building roads in China to improve the infrastructure, one can assume only so that the two countries can collude to overtake the US.

It should be noted that throughout the cab ride, K tried to redirect by pointing out the beauty of the stars, the casinos, and the roads. To no avail.

Monday was Carnival. In New Orleans, we celebrate Carnival by getting stupidly drunk and wandering around the streets for hours, intermittently stopping to eat or catch beads that are launched at you. In Panama City, things are similar. You wander around the street for hours, getting stupidly drunk. Instead of beads, you can buy small bags of confetti (notebook paper hole punches) and throw it at unsuspecting kids. I definitely got nailed by about 89 small Panamanian children. I would usually kneel down and curl my finger at them, willing them to try and get me, which typically creeped them out towards the end and kept me safe.

Monday night we all had a little too much fun, which ensured that we felt hideous on Tuesday morning. It also made possible the fact that upon returning to my bed at 3:30 AM (in time for one hour of solid spins-sleep) I chucked a box of candy that G had placed on my bed at the poor girl sleeping under me. No real reason why. It was in my way. Chalk it up to dangers of hostel life, girl.
Picture this: still-dark, early Tuesday morning, we board a 4x4 to the San Blas islands. As I held my head and my stomach, still wearing the clothes from the previous night (I figured that since I'd slept about an hour, it didn't matter), we stumbled to our car. All I could speak were simple sentences.

There were two terrible girls in the van with us. I left G's art in the van, by the way. As A and I boarded the van, I asked why they were going to the San Blas. It was maybe the only nice thing I uttered all morning. They rolled their eyes and responded, "Like, it's where EVERYONE goes." Dude, I didn't know we were, like, in the Valley.
These girls continued their reign of terror during the whole car ride as I plotted how to safely vomit on them without injuring any of my friends.
Things I know about these girls: they hate Panama, they hate chicken, especially pollo asado, they hate sand, they hate sun. Which begs the question: WHY ARE YOU GOING TO REMOTE ISLANDS?
At one point, J, who was sitting near a window, had it open partially. He was in the front seat. Terrible Girl #1 goes, "Do you think you could let ME of have some of that air?" I've never been in a girl fight but I came pretty close. J was nice to her. G kept quiet, but later said she would've responded, "Maybe if you were hotter," because it would be a nice opportunity for a double entendre.

San Blas Islands, in a nutshell: amazing.

Friday we returned, where I had promised to make a playlist for a sweet hostel in Panama City known as Luna's Castle. Once, it was explained to me how that name came to be. But I still always picture that strange Nickelodeon show, "Eureka's Castle" when I hear the name. It was suggested that I write a whole thing about Relic, which is a great bar inside the hostel. And you know what? I could, and the playlist would be sick (although a few of them have already been included). You should go and experience it, because I don't think anything I could write could capture what happens in Panama. And in the meantime - check out these guys.

Theme: Recovering. Back to life, back to reality.

1. Earlimart "We Drink on the Job"

Great anthem. Interestingly, the song glorifying drinking on the job isn't really bar-play-appropriate. Earlimart is a cool group - indie rock out of L.A. (not as cool as indie rock outta NYC, but still). I actually hate L.A., so not cool at all. But they're still cool, and music out of L.A. is generally cool.

2. Ryan Adams, "English Girls Approximately"

Ryan Adams continues to be one of my solid favorites. A good-looking man with a troubled past who plays (equally well I might add) country and folk and rock? Sold. Those are basically my requirements for any life partner, it seems.

G volunteered that relationships with me generally require that you:
1. Sing well (sorry, no points for trying but failing)
2. Like dressing down/share an appreciation for plaid or flannel, or both
3. Used to have problems
4. Like rock and roll and understand its roots (rock didn't start with Def Leppard)

Ryan Adams meets all these criteria but alas, he also is married to Mandy Moore. Go figure.

3. The Hollies, "Jesus Was a Crossmaker"

Originally by Judee Sil, beautiful song. These dudes just got inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2010. Highly underrated group.

4. Monsters of Folk, "Say Please"

This type of band is called a Supergroup. Basically, individuals from various good bands get together and form a sick band. So, what do you get when you put together two gentlemen from Bright Eyes, one man from My Morning Jacket, and one man from She and Him? Monsters of Folk.
Love My Morning Jacket and She and Him, but tend to dislike Bright Eyes and Conor Oberst in particular (find him kind of whiny). But in this song, this group, and in the song "Bowl of Oranges," I'm sold.

5. Beach House, "Take Care"

Beach House is the best. I like their whole sound.

6. Bob Schneider, "40 Dogs (Like Romeo and Juliet)

I don't know what it is about this song, or about songs with the number 40 in them (remember my obsession with Ed Sharpe and the 40-Day Dream). But this song is clutch. Also, maybe I have to listen to the lyrics more carefully, but I don't get the oblique R&J references in here or the connection to dogs.

7. Avett Brothers, "I and Love and You"

Easily the MVP spot on this album. Friend of mine told me to listen to them, and I kept putting it off. Not sure why - I take music recs pretty seriously - but just was always too busy or finding my own music. Ironically, on the drive home from the airport, G turned up the radio to this College Park station and this was on, and I was floored. Finally listened to them, and love them. LOVE them. Double points for Brooklyn in the song. Triple points for a song I can identify with. And quadruple points for a really, really good-looking set of guys, now that I've seen the video.

8. Tom Petty, "It'll All Work Out"

Easily one of my favorite Tom Petty songs. Tom Petty has gotten me through most of my life and he'll continue to. Poorly constructed sentence, well-constructed thought.

9. Tim McGraw, "Telluride"

Probably a little self-indulgent. Love me some Tim McGraw. Thank you, GVS, for making me listen to him back when I was a freshman in college and converting me to hold a strong appreciation of country so that, in reality, the only music I really don't enjoy is death metal.

10. La Rocca, "Roadway Hymn"

Irish band straight outta Dublin (what up study abroad!). I met a really nice gentleman when I went to Ireland. I studied mostly in the country, out in a tiny town named Tralee, and his name was A (names withheld to protect the innocent). We held hands and talked about music. So I'll always have a soft spot for the green land. These guys have toured with Phoenix, which makes them fantastic.

11. Oddisee, "Hip Hop's Cool Again"

In any good recovery playlist, you have a pump-up song with a solid beat. Welcome to Oddisee. Catchy lyrics too.

12. Florence + The Machine "Kiss With a Fist"

Flo and the Mac. Good girl-led group out of the UK. Her motto? "A kiss with a fist is better than none." Well. Ok. We agree.

14. Throw Me the Statue, "About to Walk"

This song is nice on the album, but better acoustic, so here you go. Love some Seattle folksy rock. I still don't know how I initially missed this band (they've been around for a while!) but I like them a lot.

15. Warren Zevon, "Keep Me in Your Heart"

Zevon was so weird, but so great. This song comes off as sad, and I mean, I guess it is. But I like it because the words are straight up stupidly beautiful. And Zevon's guitar - it's always simple, but exactly what the song needs. There are songs out there that have serious guitar craziness going on, strums/chords/www.guitar.comshit going on, but I prefer simplicity.

I'm going to leave all you people with this, as I board a bus to NYC today. I highly recommend leaving your life for an extended period of time.

love hurts - the remix

2010-02-08T17:45:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone out there in no-man's land...it's that time again. V-Day. Want to know the history of St. Valentine, and Valentine's Day itself? It started back in the Middle Ages, thanks to the man of all men, Geoffrey Chaucer (thanks, asshole). Don't get me wrong. As an English major, I've paid homage to Chaucer more than I really think any sane person should. But really, Valentine's Day? It's named after a martyr, dude. Doesn't that tell you something? Chaucer didn't even mean to start what he started.

So timeline-wise, three dudes name "Valentine" perished about two thousand years ago for the sake of their beliefs. Chaucer immortalized one of them in his writing a thousand years later. And now, a thousand years LATER (more or less, ok?) we're sending a billion greeting cards out to each other and a candy heart or two.

I'm cynical, yeah. Why wait until a national holiday - especially one in the middle of one of the most depressing months of the year - to celebrate who you love? The only time I've come close to celebrating Valentine's Day was when I was a junior in high school. I remember it pretty clearly given that it was the only time I've ever celebrated Valentine's Day. I was out of town for something, and even though I'm generally pretty nervous about public displays of affection, my boyfriend at the time left me flowers on my doorstep for every day I was out of town. Downside? They were all dead when I got home.

So, yeah, I'm cynical. But I'm not a hater. What really grinds my gears, more than people that sit there like Lady and the Tramp inhaling each other's pasta, is the contingent that publicly mocks Valentine's Day as if knocking it makes it less sappy, less prevalent, and less important to the people that want it. Give it up, guys. Go get drunk and wait for February 15. Don't start any relationships on the 13, either.

And love? What follows is a selection of some of the greatest love songs ever. They're the greatest because they're the real thing. You know what love is when it hurts, and like Nazareth reminds us, baby, love hurts. Just 'cause you're crying don't mean it's not real, sugar.

Songs to diz...

1. "Love Hurts" - Nazareth
"Take Another Little Piece of my Heart" - Janis Joplin
Sub-category: Angry/sad crooner lets 'em have it.

The blog's namesake happens right here with a psychedelic video, man. And Janis pulls up the female vote with her raging vocals.

2. "Cry Me a River" - Justin Timberlake f. Timbaland
"Stutter" - Joe f. Mystikal
Sub-category: You're a cheating (son of a) bitch.

The two urban-ish songs I have on this chart. Justin Timberlake has morphed from curly-headed boy-band wonder to sex symbol, and even though his voice is high-pitched, he beat-boxes like a fiend, so I love him. This is maybe the best way to get back at your ex - make a video exploiting her. Mystikal fell onto and off of the charts in about 3 seconds back in 1999, so I felt generous and threw him on here.

3. "Love Stinks" - J. Geils Band
"Fuck You, It's Over" - Glasvegas
Sub-category: Fuck you, it's over.

Ever since "The Wedding Singer," I have LOVED this song. This is the one you blast at the bar. Glasvegas, not so much. That one you should maybe do in the privacy of your own home.

4. "It's Not Over Yet" - Klaxons/"I'm Not Over" - Carolina Liar
Sub-category: Fuck you, but is it over?

5. "Alone" - Heart
Sub-category: I'm alone at the bar and when I see you with _____, I wanna hurl.

I thought about giving the #5 spot to "Your Boyfriend Sucks" by The Ataris, but I just can't respect myself if I give any spot to The Ataris given that I only bought their CD many years ago for that cover of a Don Henley song. That, in itself, was a mistake. Heart is a dominant force in music and VH1 back-episodes, so we honor that here.

6. "Since You've Been Gone" Rainbow
Sub-category: Don't care what Kelly Clarkson says, I'm alone.

Hey, Kelly, Rainbow called, their version is better.

Well, no, Kelly didn't rip off this '70s genius. However, the song title is similar. Message is a bit different. Kelly, in all her female glory, proclaims that since her man's been gone things are much better. Rainbow offers a much closer and accurate portrayal of how it feels when someone peaces out on you.

7. "Bad Romance" - Lady Gaga
"Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell" - Iggy Pop
Sub-category: You don't want this?

Gotta throw in some Lady Gaga since this song was in every episode of "Gossip Girl" for chrissake. But the only person who could come close to competing with Lady Gaga - and honestly, let's right that - the only person that Lady Gaga could come close to - is Iggy Pop.

8. "Good Arms vs. Bad Arms" - Frightened Rabbit
Sub-category: I'm sad.

This is the one you should probably listen to when you enter the grieving process, not the one you should blast at the bar.

9. "You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You're Told)" - White Stripes
Sub-category: You broke up with me because you don't even know what you had.

Jack White gets at it by telling off. Message: You may have broken up with me, but it's because I'm the only one who knows what's up, sucka.

10. "Still in Love Song" - The Stills
Sub-category: You may be gone but I'm still over here feeling like this.

The Stills rock it out and make all their listeners feel sad too.

11. "Love Bites" - Def Leppard
Sub-category: This sucks, dude.

Def Leppard continued to perform after a massive car wreck with a one-armed drummer. Impressive. Almost as impressive as this video masterpiece. This could single-handedly be the infomercial for Monster Ballads.

12. "Bye Bye Love" - The Cars/"Since You're Gone" - The Cars
Sub-category: Rick Ocasek's personal memoirs

Rick O's woman was slammin' so I don't really know why he has so many songs about losing hot chicks. However, these are the two best. Of the two, I love and will always love "Since You're Gone," and, as is typical with any Cars song on any of my lists, it wins the MVP, with Nazareth and The Cure a close tie for second.

13. "Skinny Love" - Bon Iver
Sub-category: It sounds pretty but I'm verbally fucking you over.

Still love this song.

14. "Goodnight to Romance" - Blackpool Lights
"I Hate Myself For Loving You" - Joan Jett
Sub-category: romance doesn't even exist anymore

Ok, ok, let's start with Blackpool Lights - breakoff band from The Get Up Kids. Not a HUGE fan, but this song kinda fits the bill, in my opinion. Joan Jett, on the other hand - she's looking a little worse for the wear circa 1998, but vocally, man - she's still got it.

15. "Somebody to Love" - Queen
Sub-category: Isn't there ANYONE out there?

Freddie Mercury knew what was up long before anyone else did.

16. "Hungry Heart" - Bruce Springsteen
Sub-category: Left my wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack/Working class rock

Leave it to Blue-Collar Bruce to tell it like it is.

17. "Take a Bow Always" - Rihanna/Kooks remix
Sub-category: I always had a feeling you were a jackass

'Coulda gone with standard Rihanna, but I'd have missed the fan vid opportunity and the crazy Kooks background. I think it makes it a little lighter, don't you?

18. "Get an Ugly Girl to Marry You" - The Coasters
"Runaround Sue" - Dion & the Belmonts
Sub-category: What to do with a ho.

Two oldies-but-goodies to make you remember that even in the '50s, dudes knew how to rock about skanks.

19. "How Do You Tell Somebody?" - Cowboy Mouth
Sub-category: What happens when you're the breaker-upper?

You know that weird feeling you get when you know it's donezo?

20. "Boys Don't Cry" - The Cure
Sub-category: Be a man, hold your feelings in.

Possibly the greatest song of all time to listen to when you're broken-up. Even if you're a girl.

Best Week Ever Returns

2010-01-28T05:47:00.000-08:00

Backinthaday...

I used to write a column for Washington & Lee's school newspaper (read: "The Good Old Days") titled "Best Week Ever," after the show bearing the same name (RIP). Well actually, don't quote me on that. I'm not really positive it's off the air. I AM positive that no one's really watching it anymore. It's relegated to those aisles of back-episodes along with all the LMN movies, like "Fifteen and Pregnant."

Anyway, I'd chronicle what was happenin' at my fine university for all the world (read: microcosm) to see. And, given that we were the independent newspaper, not the lapdog of the provost, we could write whatever we wanted. And write we did.

I made one of my coolest connections by accidentally forgetting to credit by name the author of a quote I favored (ironically, a quote about "The O.C."). Hey Neel!

So, in honor of that, I'm penning - cyber-penning - this week's Best Week Ever.

1. Saints Win the NFC Championships and Prepare for World Domination
This really doesn't need any explanation except for the fact that the Saints, led by Drew Brees, held up by Thomas, Colston, and Bushrod, and sometimes assisted by Reggie Bush - although not in the last game - are the best. Saints are THE BEST. Apparently, according to my uncle-in-law, I'm not a "true" Saints fan as I don't A) have season tickets or B) have the roster memorized. Well excuse me. Fairweather or not, I'm here.

2. Free Concerts This Weekend
Everyone go to Pete's Candy for some free music courtesy of Built By Animals and The Creoles. Cold War Kids are also playing and I'm selling a ticket mad cheap. Drop it like it's hot! Dr. Dog is playing in May, Passion Pit and Tokyo Police Club are selling out Prospect Park, Jazz Fest is around ye olde corner. Harvest ye rosebuds while ye may.

3. Obama Said...Things?
Obama made the State of the Union on Wednesday. He made us remember things like, the state of medical care in the US. What is it, again?

4. Unseasonably Warm Weather in January
Oh, hello, Winter. We meet again. Except apparently you took a break in the middle of January, just in time for me to feel a little bit like Spring was coming, but I'm pretty sure as of right now - 1/29/10 - you're sucking it back like a vacuum. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

5. G Has Invited Me To Her House
My lovely roommate, G, has invited me to her very own abode, her childhood home, for the nights before and after I venture out of the country. Of course, this invitation was dramatically rescinded the moment I stuck my foot in the heat emanating from oven (and regrettably close to what she was cooking in there). I earned back my spot by making a salad for dinner.

There you have it. On this week's playlist...the Best Week Ever of the First Week of February.

1. "Perfect Games" - The Broken West

This video is the shit because it's in Swedish.
This song is great because of that one serious guitar strut. Totally not an appropriate word, strut, except that it's the only word I can think of to describe the steady guitar "thing" that's happening here.
I don't know what it is about monotone guitar backing up dudes' voices, but it gets me going.

2. "Trying to Put Your Heart Back Together" - Slow Runner

This song is lovely. The rhymes are sweet, simple, and to-the-point. I don't know what's happening with the piano/keyboard intro, however, I like it. It sounds like something a 15-year-old boy with a lot of heart would write for his girl. If it didn't sound so creepy, I could be that girl.

3. "The Party Song" - Blink-182 (the wildcard)

Sometimes it's funny when idiots make videos for really great songs. Here is an example. Blink-182 continues to be a band that immediately rejuvenates memories of 10th grade and pools. If you can't see me right now, I'm holding up my hands and admitting defeat. Also, any chorus with "na na" in it and, yep, you guessed it, a resonatingly strong chord going on has got my vote. Totally a made-up word there, resonatingly.

4. "Audience" - Cold War Kids

For once, a song I love on account of its drum beat and piano instead of the guitar. A little bit kitschy, this one, and not really Cold-War-Kids-ish (it's not whiny, and it's not irritating to listen to multiple times, as many of their songs become). I went to their concert last Friday, and it was an experience. Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah has the most depressing lead singer I've ever seen. Sorry, cat's out of the bag. He looked like he'd ruptured his appendix the entire time he sang. The girl enjoying the show next to me was also a beast with little to no social decorum whatsoever, so that was special. And yet, I still really like this song. Goes to show. And let's give it up for this clutch vid...love me some subtitles.

5. "Waiting for a War" - The Morning Benders

I dig the Morning Benders. What a great name. Like naming your bar Coyote Ugly, the Morning Benders have adopted a whole way of life as their band name. I'm noticing a trend this month with liking guy voices that sound almost pre-pubescent. That's not good.

6. "Trashcan" - Delta Spirit

I give you the live version, my friends. Don't these dudes look fun? I'll tell you what, I'd go party with any of them. The song is called fuckin' "Trashcan," man, and it ROCKS. How many things have you named after garbage that ROCK? Got that old bluesy feel, and as a Southern Girl, I can dig it.

7. "Hang On" - Dr. Dog (MVP)

Meet Dr. Dog, the MVP spot. I like to call them collectively my new boyfriend.
Things I like here:
1. The line "Why you think we need amazing grace, just to tell it like it is?"
2. The co-lead-singer Toby's face and voice and his sick bass skills
3. The old-time piano thing they have going on
4. The banjo
5. The tri-part harmony
6. The fact that they identify as "retro-psychedelic" rock. WTF? Awesome. I'll take it.
7. There's a labrador retriever in this video.
8. The Allman-Bros-esque start-up line

8. "Being On Our Own" - The Fruit Bats

No idea what's happening with the British-accent intro here, but whatever. Like this. Sounds a little bit like what might happen if Dr. Dog got less edgy and took some valium. The end.

9. "Hi-Fi Goon" - Throw Me the Statue

First off, the album's name is "Secretly Canadian," which alone would've earned this band a spot on the week's list. If I was in charge of The Grammys, I'd really call it The Indys and recognize bands like this. On the other hand, typically, I think that bands with names over three words are pretentious, and "Throw Me the Statue" is no exception. Other examples here are "Fall Out Boy," whose song names automatically place them in that category. I'm sure TMTS has some sort of inside-joke attached to it or some shit, but couldn't you just name your band "Statue"? "Throw Me It"?

10. "K.I.A." - Jet

Fucking weird video. I like Jet. Make of this what you will.

11. "U + Me" - Dan Black

I like the beat here. I have absolutely no idea what he's saying. The parts of this song are also interesting. Not something I typically like but it's 2k10 so DEAL.

12. "Ruby Sees All" - Cake

Cake's low-key stuff is the best. They always got a lot of airplay for songs like "Short Skirt, Long Jacket" or "The Distance," which, don't get me wrong, were good. But I think Cake earned a name for something other than what they really are. Well, I take that back - everyone can recognize a good guitar hook or bass line from Cake songs, and this is no exception. They write a lot of shit about a girl named Ruby. Ruby, whoever you are, you're a lucky girl.

13. "Love in my Pocket" - VHS or Beta

The first VHS or Beta song I ever heard was totally different from this one, which almost has this old-school classic rock/80s rock thing happening. I like both sides of VHS or Beta (ironic saying that I guess), and I'm not really sure what I like about this song, but I do know that I can't stop listening to it.

14. "Sweet Jane" - Velvet Underground

Lou Reed says you're welcome.

15. "This Too Shall Pass" - OK GO

OK GO always gets a vote from me. Ever since that song "You're So Damn Hot." I group them with Rooney and Phantom Planet, and I think that's ok. Although of the three, they're the only dudes with an Ipod commercial.

16. "Life as a Shorty" - Fashawn

Download his album, "Boy Meets World," amazing.

17. "Guns Are Drawn" - The Roots

"Phrenology" is still an album I keep close. Best part is when he says, "In the mid-dle of the night, we fight..."

18. "Where'd You Go?" - Mighty Mighty Bosstones

Just watched "Clueless" last night, and this song still rocks, and I've been hating on ska. Save Ferris fans everywhere, here you go.

Look forward to the next feature, which will most definitely be songs based around the theme of J. Geils Band "Love Stinks."

2010-01-19T19:16:00.001-08:00

Here lies the continuation of the Birthday Celebration Remix. I was going to add an extra song, but by the time I got to the end of this guy, I couldn't remember what it was.

9. "Strictly Game" - Harlem Shakes
this will be a better year

I don't know how I left this one off the original list of New Year's songs. Please - with a refrain that declares, "this will be a better year," how can this NOT be a song of profound celebration? I know I'm onto this band kind of late. Cut me some slack, bro. This is a song where I can also celebrate the lyrically gifted:
I'm sick of slow rock
I'm sick of quick quips
Sick of holdin' onto nothin'
When I just wanna
Hold your hips
I'm sorry, what did you say? I was busy listening to genius.

10. "Blankest Year" - Nada Surf
aw, fuck it, i'm gonna have a party

The boys of Nada Surf just make me smile. Besides the fact that I've had a crush on Matthew Caws since, like, 1997, and besides the fact that "Popular" is ANOTHER song that was in that trivia night round of "Cool Songs With Talking In Them," Nada Surf (Nah-dah, guys) is just a mellow band of normal dudes. I think their best album was "Let Go," since it had killer tunes like "Blonde on Blonde" and "Blizzard of '77" (two all-time favorites). However, this highly-underrated band does a good indie-rock/alt-rock fusion for this number: "Blankest Year." The resounding theme - aw, fuck it. What better theme is there?

11. "Middle Management" - Bishop Allen
for whatever reason sick bands like bishop allen only have lame live action.

Whenever this song starts, with that one chord, I ALWAYS think that the Fine Young Cannibals' "Good Thing" is going to start playing. I think it's the exact same one. But let's be real, guys, any song that features "ALRIGHT!" in its refrain multiple times is bound to be a great celebration song. I searched forever for a video that really did this song justice, but, sorry hipsters everywhere (because this is THE hipster celebration song; please, it was on "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist"), it just doesn't exist. You hear this, and you just want to jump up and down at Bowery Ballroom. I mean, at least I do.

12. "The Saints Are Coming" - U2 and Green Day (live)
there is a house...in new orleans...

U2 + Green Day. Ultimate in rock plus ultimate in alt rock. Yes. Yes please. Being from New Orleans, this represents a particularly home-hitting celebration moment: the day the Superbowl was reopened for the first Saints game post-Katrina. But even if you don't have that tattooed on your brain forever, you can feel it in this song, and see it in the video. We still blare it when we go to Saints games. What a BRILLIANT way to combine old-time New Orleans and jazz with a hard rock edge. And it's a true celebration - both in a moment, and overall. MVP spot.

13. "All the Young Punks" - The Clash
give 'em enough rope

The Clash is one of my favorites, all-time. The lead guitar does more singing than any of the boys, and that's one reason it's on this list. And no one's forgetting about the bass line here, either. These guys knew how to wail. But this song doesn't get nearly enough attention or airplay. The Clash decided that the way to make eloquent political commentary was through song - so, boys, thanks and congratulations, because we celebrate that now every time we play one of your songs. Joe Strummer, we salute you. Great song to play when you're on a road trip and celebrating some freedom from whatever kept you from roading in the first place.

14. "The Underdog" - Spoon
this video was so much better than i thought it would be.

I LOVE this song. I loved it when it first came out, now I guess almost two years ago, and I still love it now. It's just got a great, catchy feel. You may have guessed that we're celebrating the underdog. I'm the underdog a lot, or at least, I feel like I am. So I enjoy this song. Good songs always have clapping and guys going "do do do uh huh," so this clearly fits the bill, because it has both. It's a fantastic song for when you're a) cheering yourself up, b) cheering someone else up, c) watching "17 Again" with Zac Efron, or d) spotting an underdog.

15. "Still Alive" - The Crash
are they duran duran reborn?

So who's seen the video for "View to a Kill"? This is pretty much the same shit. The Crash don't really sound like Duran Duran (I mean, that would be a celebration in itself), but they're pretty sick. "Still Alive" has this Mika sound to it, that, I'll admit, is a little creepy. Not that people think Mika is creepy, but come on. Right around 0:48, it kicks in with the crazy synth sound (you know how I am about synth) and becomes a good pump-up song.

16. "Soul Singing" - Black Crowes
should i be apologizing for liking this?

Apparently this is like the most-hated Black Crowes song, according to all the comments that appear below the video. Right, because those are super-valid. So, all you haters, I don't know where you come from, but I've been stupidly in love with this song since college. Sorry. Sue me. What can you not love about Chris Robinson dressed like a hippie, spinning in a sun-soaked montage, singing about soul? Singing about singing FROM the soul?

17. "Jump" - Pointer Sisters
this video actually has track footage in it.

No comment really even necessary. Hugh Grant danced to this in "Love Actually" when he realized how to score with that cute secretary. My aunt used to rollerskate to this back in the day. She made me put this song on a MIX tape. And even more importantly, look closely at that video. Cut between the awesome footage of The Pointer Sisters, we see actual TRACK FOOTAGE. That's right, footage of men in short shorts (and women) leaping to and fro. OMG. Celebration, check.

18. "Steal My Sunshine" - LEN
buttertarts?

I used to play this song every day at the pool in 8th grade. Or maybe it was 9th. Regardless, I remember seeing the video on TRL, and sometimes I'll still play it at the bar for old times' sake because every patron knows the words and knows what it represents. This song, cheesy as it is, celebrates summertime and heat and all that is good with the world, unlike the cold, awful season of winter, which is the antichrist. Oh, and yeah. This is another song with talk in it. I shoulda just done a list of songs with talking in them. Boyz II Men woulda dominated the charts.

19. "Soulchild" - Gorillaz
it's the music that we choose.

What a great song. Just a good celebratory song to dance to. Enough.

20. "New Sensation" - INXS
better than "need you tonight"

You know, INXS always gets airplay for "Need You Tonight" thanks to "Coyote Ugly" and they ALSO get remembered for "Unbelievable" (I believe thanks to the same movie, but I could be wrong). But "New Sensation," with that repetitive yet NEVER annoying guitar riff, is the pinnacle of excitement. Exaggeration? Try listening to this song over and over. You won't get tired, you'll just get pumped. That's what a real celebration song does. Let's think of things that do the opposite of that...this "Valentine's Day" movie, for one. The loss of Michael, our beloved lead singer, was tragic. But at least he leaves us good music. So, we leave this list - a true PLAYlist - of celebrations with a new sensation celebration. Enjoy people.

Coming up in February...songs that talk about hating love. <3 Get your cheesefest somewhere else, my peeps.

you say it's your birthday [recap]

2010-01-18T07:23:00.001-08:00

My grandfather, who was a very wise man, always used to wish me a Happy Birthdate, since you only have one birthday. In honor of him, in honor of the new quarter-century that I have entered (and technically, that I've been in for 366 days now, since your birthday actually marks the END of the year you're celebrating), and in honor of all that is good and wonderful in this world - I grant you 20 Celebration Birthday Songs.

Before we get there, however, let me just give you a rundown of the events of January 15:
1. I stumble out of my room to find a sign above our sink that wishes me a Happy Birthday, courtesy of my delightful roommate, G. She has also decorated the sign with numerous other alliterative B-words - first and foremost, and certainly most prominent - Bayou.
2. I arrive home after work and the usual post-work distractions (that typically involve me walking around downtown for a good hour or more - seriously, not drinking or playing, just mostly walking) and decide I should find something to wear. We are aiming to get to the bar at 9 so that we can establish a trust tree/nest/home-base.
3. G aghast at the fact that we are "starting at 9" and declares me "crazy."
4. G presents with me a birthday card that unfolds and features numerous parading animals that tote birthday items and flammables. It is the shit.
5. My friend A claims that 9 was not an hour she really "noticed" so therefore she will be there at 10:30.
6. Some peeps come over as a nice treat and we eat Hawaiian pizza and cake as we give GL a recap of "Jersey Shore."
7. I realize, when my friend S calls me to ask if I'm at my own party, that it's 10:30 and I probably should be.
8. Dash to Ace Bar. Miss Manners, forgive me.
9. Friend P arrives. He has allegedly come in all the way from Rockytown (Philly) to celebrate this occasion. P chooses to do the celebrating by eating half of a stranger's 40-inch sheet cake that we happen to find in a booth by the pool tables. J bets him 2 drinks that he won't do it. Of course, P, being the caricature of himself that he is, declares that in fact he would, and actually, he'd do it for free. Jesus.
10. I add 2 drinks to P's bet and watch as he houses what could be a 4th-grader's birthday cake with one plastic fork.

The video really speaks for itself. This is a man who is in his second year of law school at a prestigious Ivy League school. This is the man who may soon be doing mergers and acquisitions for YOU.

So, given that you may not have the pleasure of P at your party, I want to gift you - you, my fine readers - with all that I have to offer in the way of Celebratory Songs. Depends on what you're celebrating, right? It might be the Saints win, it might be your new job, it might be the fact that you FINALLY PAID YOUR TAXES ON TIME. But whatever it is, you celebrate. And you celebrate well. These songs are old, new, weird - but they're guaranteed to get you up.

Here are the top 8 so far. The other 12 are coming when I select them, but I wanted to get it started.

1. "Warm Heart of Africa" - The Very Best (f. Ezra Koenig)
Take is slow and listen: Ezra #1

We're gonna start it out with this baby. Just a really happy song. What are we celebrating here? Slow and steady partner. We're celebrating fucking LIFE, man. How can you NOT be happy when a) my blog is gradually becoming a shrine to Ezra, b) Ezra clearly is the next Paul Simon (I don't think I'm that ahead of myself, I'm sorry, it's there), c) you have African drums happening, and d) you have lyrics that you can't even understand but that are AWESOME? Use this to celebrate whatever you want. Finding your favorite piece of silverware. Realizing you didn't leave your keys in your door. I imagine that this is probably the song that plays in my dog's head every time she sees me come home.

2. "Good Morning" - Chamillionaire
Wake up and celebrate: send alla my haters luv

Where do I even begin? This first of all is the mashup to end all mashups, except for that one Knife mashup that was the SHIT. I mean really: Chamillionaire, plus Tom Petty? The depth of the symbolism here is endless. "Send all of my haters love" to the tune of "Free Falling"? Do you see all the rhetorical questions I'm throwing out? Chamillionaire, I fell in love with you with "Ridin' Dirty," but this makes it. I first heard this song when G played it in the shower (and provided vocals), and I'm going to sample a little of its splendor for you here right now:
If it's true
that money is time
then watch this
ain't tryin' to run outta time
so i purchase some watches
If that's not poetic justice, I don't know what is. We're celebrating the start of all days here.

3. "Come Dancing" - The Kinks
It's only natural: come dancing

Ah, The Kinks. A band to make it on my Top 20 more than once. What we're celebrating here is the art of dance. I first heard this song many, many moons ago on 99.5 New Orleans radio. However, it experienced it's renaissance for me, personally, when I was playing trivia and it was featured on a list of songs with talking inside of them. The beat is jaunty - I know that's a weird word but I can't think of anything more appropriate - and it makes you actually want to dance. Not grind. But dance. Kinda like paved-paradise-and-put-up-a-parking-lot without the whine and without the environment. But with the same, core message - don't put groceries or parking lots where people used to move, son.

4. "You Only Live Once" - The Strokes
20 ways to start a fire: 20 ways to see the world

I listened to a fair amount of The Strokes and honestly found them a little tiring. But in the great year of 2009 - yes, last decade - I heard this Strokes masterpiece for the first time and haven't stopped listening since. I don't know what made Fab and the boys tiring for me except maybe that I found the sound all a little bit the same. Not quite monotonous - they're too good for that. But that hard guitar, the crying-out vocals - it wears on you after a listen. This one, though. Appropriate title. The guitar REALLY works here - the beat is killer - and it makes you celebrate the risks you take. Not all celebration songs have to sound like Kool and the Gang, guys. I play this at least once every day when I'm coming home from work. Call me OCD, I call you boring.

5. "Nothing's Wrong" - Architecture in Helsinki
nothing's wrong: with this song

Architecture in Helsinki - first of all, way to go for taking an obscure capital and making it part of your band name. These dudes remind me of Ed Sharpe & Co. - millions of hippies flooding the stage and showing some love. Let's give it up for celebrating togetherness with this band. And with a title like "Nothing's Wrong," what should you not be celebrating? A in H have a good thing happening. Do yourself a favor and check out their other songs too, like "Deborah."

6. "Getting Better" - The Beatles
have to admit: it's getting better all the time

An oldie but goodie. The Beatles knew how to pump you up, probably because they were all high as kites while they were really stupidly famous. Let's celebrate the fact that somehow all four of them managed to woo mothers, get fathers to groove, get teenage boys to buy records, and get teenage girls to fall in love while also stupidly high. We're talking rollercoaster-high. I mean, please. Sgt Pepper? Yellow Submarine? Shoulda just named their albums LSD 1, 2, and 3. Let it be known I dig the Beatles, hard. So yes, again - toast the boys that played rock 'n roll, wore bowl cuts well, and created a movement. And yeah, it's getting better. Play this when you're looking on the bright side.

7. "Run" - Vampire Weekend
Ezra #2.

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for: the arrival of the NEW Vampire Weekend album, Contra. I was impressed with the first album. I really was. This one though - for a sophomore effort, especially - it's great. I love the Paul Simon direction he goes in ALL THE TIME. I listened to this whole album and it's honestly solid. The title track is a winner - mellow, a little creepy, and haunting. Definitely not celebratory. But "Run" for sure is. Especially that synthy-keyboard thing that's happening. This is the song to play as you're getting ready for something, getting pumped, getting amped, or falling a little bit in like. I don't know how to describe that last feeling, but this song does a pretty good job. Don't play it right after "Warm Heart of Africa," or you'll go on overload.

8. "Slave" - David Garza
so it's reverb. deal with it.

I've loved this song ever since the movie "Great Expectations," where it was featured on the kickass soundtrack. Dave Garza knows how to strum, let me tell you. This is for sure the song you're going to play when you're pretty psyched about finding someone that tolerates you and buys you dinner.

There you go kids. Enjoy. Download. Be safe.

sleighbells ring, are you...shit, are you ok?

2009-12-31T13:40:00.000-08:00

Let's begin with what happened to me yesterday. As I crossed Spring Street in my humble little neighborhood, I fell. So as not to mince words (despite the fact that mincing words is exactly a blog's intended purpose), I'll add a mildly superfluous note to remind you of my clumsiness:

I suck at things like walking in straight lines.

There. There it is.

The roads were covered in ice, ok? Not my fault. I wasn't talking on the phone, or multi-tasking, or doing anything stupid. But regardless of all the shit that was working in my favor, I still fell clean on my ass and slid halfway across the actual street. The earth didn't shake or anything, but the guy working the late-afternoon shift at Spring Lounge did stop his conversation and, giving me a hand up, commented that he had to actually shake my hand once I was good and standing, as a congratulatory gesture.
"I fell like that last night girl. Don't worry about it," he comforted me. I was busy catching my wind back and laughing loudly for all the world to hear. I usually laugh like that when I'm super nervous or embarrassed, but this time, I think I laughed so hard because of the pain, to be honest. I now have a bruise the size of a third-grader's hand on my thigh. It's a looker. Also of note is the fact that the dude compared my totally sober Sunday-afternoon fall to his probably-boozed-out display from the previous night. Not the first time that my sober actions have been compared to those of drunk normal people.

Later that evening, I was dining at Nolita House when one of those placard signs all restaurants have was literally thrown at me (do I live in the Bermuda Triangle??). Yep. Truth. I was just having a conversation with my friend B when I felt it crash into me. It did get me a free burger. The throwing at ME was an accident, but not the throwing itself.

I spent years admitting that I was accident-prone. It was cute. Then I spent about two years in a phase of self-empowerment wherein I loudly proclaimed to anyone that would listen testaments of my motor skills and general physical prowess. That I wasn't actually uncoordinated, just unlucky. That to admit accident-prone defeat was to embrace a horrendous self-fulfilling prophecy.

Well, world, in the spirit of honesty and auld lang syne...I'm fucking uncoordinated. There. You happy? But I DIDN'T chuck a sign a myself. THAT was not my fault. That was just awesome seeing as how it didn't really hurt (I AM remarkably resilient) and it got me a free meal.

Here are some delights to warm your feet as you trudge through snow, like me. And, ok, warm your heart and shit.

January 2010 = Bands-slash-Genres You Should Get Into
Wh-wh-wha-wh-wh-wh-what is up with this month's plizzity playlist? Nothing except EVERYTHING. Ponder that for a second.
Ok, you ready? Here lies the best of the best for the coming new year - newcomers, an old fogey of rock or two, cool weirdo bands, and a veritable plethora of genres. You may see some names you recognize, some you hate, some you love - the point here is to entice you with a smorgasboard of music to tempt your palate. Enjoy.

1. "Walkin' (for Your Love)" - Widespread Panic
Got some pot? And listen: walkin...and walkin
For those lookin' to expand their horizons, welcome to the Jam Band genre. Also falling into this abyss are bands like Rusted Root, the effervescent and ever-present Phish, the big-daddy of the genre, The Grateful Dead, and lesser-known bands like String Cheese Incident and Keller Williams. I use the term "abyss" because everyone in my experience who once loved a jam band loved that jam band for at least a good year and only loved jam bands. Like, referred to jam bands as the only legit music that existed. Don't fall into that trap, but learn to love in moderation.
Call me sentimental, but I still love this song after I learned about Widespread in college (apparently late on the bandwagon). I still remember my freshman year - way back in 2002 - watching the Phish DVD on repeat after a particularly raucous night in New Orleans. For anyone that went to even a mildly fratty university OR a college located far, far away from civilization - think W&L, Williams, Vassar - you probably went through (or watched others go through) a jam band stage. It was cool, it was hip, it was neat...and you learned to noodle. You had your first experience with hallucinogenic drugs, you learned all the words to "Sugar Magnolia" and "Uncle John's Band," and you learned about people like "One-Armed Steve."

2."Forever" - The Explorers Club
Hey, man, listen: brian wilson, is that you?
One thing I LOVE about this band: they sound like the Beach Boys reincarnated. Genre? 1960s-meets-2010 - we'll call it Retro, for now, but really they're alternative rock. But when I think of Alt Rock I think about bands like Alkaline Trio, not Beach Boys. Not even Weezer. Meanwhile, these guys? They're not afraid to sound a little vintage, just like the Beach Boys weren't afraid to push the envelope. It also sounds a liiiiiittle bit like the Ronettes at the beginning, with that steady percussion drop, right? Another reason to love the shit out of The Explorers Club.

3. "Stir It Up" - Bob Marley
Listen, mon: come on little darlin'
Honestly, who does reggae better than the man, the myth, the legend - Bob Marley? This isn't a new song, or a song that's yet to be discovered, but as I sat there watching "I Am Legend" the other day, and Will Smith put this on...man. Bob Marley could even make people feel better when they're about to be ravaged by zombies. That's saying something. If you don't dig Bob, then you hate peace, love, and the Caribbean.

4. "We Intertwined" - The Hush Sound
Oh, hey, listen! like vines we intertwined
So you are the quintessential upbeat pop connoisseur? Then you'll like The Hush Sound, our local poppy-pop representative. The Hush Sound - oxymoronic, maybe. Part Jack's Mannequin, part Ben Folds (I know, I'm pushing it), part everything else. But I like this song. And it's different. Just don't listen to it more than 3 times in a row, you'll want to hurt yourself.

5. "40 Day Dream" - Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros
Ooooooh listen: 40 days and i'm still not tired of this yet
So this song clinches the MVP spot in this lineup for a variety of reasons. First of all, I'm not even going to attempt to genre-rize this one, except to say that if you like Arcade Fire, you'll like these guys. To quote a friend: "They sound like Arcade Fire, but happy!" It's a 10-person band of hippies that jam and sing and ROCK. The refrain sounds a little bit like that Journey song, "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'," especially in the piano duh-duh-duh-duh, and he sings "Magical Mystery" like The Beatles, and please - have you SEEN this video? What's NOT to like? It'll be awhile before I get even a little bit tired of anything these peeps put out. Also - their other songs, like "Home," are also great.

6. "I've Got Friends" - The Manchester Orchestra
'cause when you need it: you need it quickly
Manchester Orchestra is a neat little indie rock band that formed out of the ATL in 2006. Their name makes me think of Manheim Steamroller, purely because of the "man" in the beginning, and with "Orchestra" in the name you'd also expect something to the degree of the Bay City Rollers, right? Or ELO at least? Wrong. First of all, wrong because they don't sound like Bay City Rollers at ALL. They haven't reached ELO proportions yet in my book, but so far, solid start. In particular, this song picks up – it starts out slow, and eerie, and then it builds to this big refrain . Kinda Brand New (the good kind, not the 1990s Brand New), part Tokyo Police Club, part Cold War Kids.

7. "Your Rocky Spine" – Great Lake Swimmers
listen, while I play my guitar: glaciers, rocks, oh my.
Call it the Folksy Rock sub-genre, but I dig these guys, their name, and their music. It’s beautiful. Like John Mayer’s lyrics? Great. They’re here for you, only better, and the way this guy compares a body to a path, a map – it’s provocative. The way that his voice goes with the lady’s (I know I sound like Robert Goulet)? Haunting, and kinda reminiscent of Willie Nelson and Emmylou Harris. If you’re lookin’ to get into something a little more rough and ragged, raw and rustic, here you are.
For the record, I have swum in 3 of the 5 Great Lakes, and I think their name rocks.
Let's give three cheers for the four-piece band, too - I mean, a banjo? YES. And the video is clutch. 5 stars.

8. "Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked" – Cage the Elephant
aw shit, listen: pretty little thang
Picture this: Jack White + Beck =this band. Photorealistic video? Check. Cool lead singer? I mean, let's be real - Matt Schultz's voice is downright sexy. These Kentucky-bred boys make you wanna be bad – because clearly this guy is wicked too (and wicked good). So you pride yourself on those indie rough-guitar tracks you “discover” on iTunes? Here dude. Here’s your band. It kinda sounds like that Beck song, “Loser." Rolling Stone heralds them as one of 2009's breakout rookie rock bands, with a "blues-rock" flavor. I'm gonna go ahead and agree. And for the record, I made the White Stripes/Beck comparison on my own before reading the article RS wrote about them, but everyone should go check it out.

9. "Turn Tail" – The Young Knives
Listen, then run: cut it up
First of all, these guys have been around for over 10 years, and I'm just now getting into them - shows you it's never too late. Their intro sounds like Youth Group's "Forever Young" - don't believe me? You should check it out. Meanwhile, back on the ranch, I'm over here thinking that The Young Knives might sound a little bit like THE Knife - and I was wrong. The Young Knives originally came from young knaves. So don't look forward to any "Heartbeats" sounds from these guys. There's a little bit of Klaxons going on, a little bit of We Are Scientists, and maybe it's just me but I hear some Kinks influence.

10. "Look Out Young Son" – Grand Ole Party
Check it out: look out look out
Well. Where do I begin here? Karen O. from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs meets Dirty Projectors meets Morning 40 Federation. This gang opened for Rilo Kiley and Rogue Wave, and it consists of Kristin Gundred, who is the lead guitarist, and the dudes that essentially back her up (because let's be serious, that voice is legit). I'm pretty sure they broke up, but maybe they'll read this, get inspired, and produce again. And their album Humanimals is sick. If you grew up loving Led Zeppelin and then began to drift into a delightful oblivion of sick, off-the-radar rock groups (Black Lips, for example), then you'll most likely love Grand Ole Party.

11. "My Mistakes Were Made For You" – Last Shadow Puppets
yeah: mistake? not quite.
What happens when the lead singer from The Arctic Monkeys dabbles in a side projects? Apparently, a band called Last Shadow Puppets. I guess you could call them alternative pop (is there such as thing?) or progressive rock. I don't know what is up with this animal themage, but so far we've had an album title with an animal theme (Humanimals), we're about to encounter a band called White Rabbits, we've cameo-ed things like Arctic Monkeys, and even Shadow Puppets are a little reminiscent of beasts given that when you make shadow puppets you're making dogs and things.
Moving on...this song has the 007 twang going on, you know, the theme they play at the beginning of every James Bond movie? The '60s hot vibe they play as the James Bond montage plays? It's got that killer beat that hooks you in, and I'm looking forward to hearing more from Alex Turner's spare time. Turner claims that his influences involve Bowie (clearly evident) and the Beatles - I hear the Bowie, but I don't hear the Beatles as much in this single. It's more evident in some of their other songs. His voice, for sure, is Bowie-esque; think Ziggy Stardust days. They're allegedly going to be recording more in 2009...guess that didn't happen. Which is why they're on the watch-list for 2010.

12. "Little Secrets" – Passion Pit
Listen, listen little secrets: secrets secrets are so fun
My god, Passion Pit, hello. Looking for the next Hot Chip, the next Ghostland Observatory, the next Bloc Party, the next Ratatat? Hello Passion Pit. You know that Palm Pixi commercial? Totally uses a Passion Pit song ("Sleepyhead"). "Gossip Girl," given that it's produced by the same dude that produced "The O.C." has also swooped upon the Passion Pit franchise to claim a song for a Season 3 scene ("Moth's Wings"). Passion Pit loves kids’ voices, electronics, synths, and falsetto. What isn’t to love about THEM?
Call it electro-pop. Wanna know a little secret? Turns out that Michael, the lead here on PP, started all this wonderfulness as a Valentine's Gift to his girlfriend at the time. He recorded a few songs and sold them off his laptop around campus. Adorable. And all the more reason to add them to your 2010 playlist.

13. "Home" – Great Northern
Listen, listen: take me home
First of all, the merging of female/male in the taking-turns singing thing is rockstar caliber. It would've been kind of a boring song if it featured just a male lead - think early 2000's Goo Goo Dolls on repeat airplay. But instead, Rachel Stolte's voice comes in and steals the show (or adds to it, I should really say). It's more of a sung conversation than just a song. Great Northern got a fair amount of commercial airplay in late 2007...let's bring them back to 2010. A few band members have left and shifted...but the dynamic duo of Bixler and Stolte still remains as a testament to how cool they really are. We'll dub this lovey-indie-rock genre, the type of song that makes it into a scene of "Grey's Anatomy," but in a great way.

14. "The Rat" – The Walkmen
Listen, yo: ratatatatatat
This particular song sounds kinda like Bloc Party (I hear it in the steady guitar playing in the back – that’s it though). Usually I don't like it when anyone screams on a track, but this is so intense I kinda love it. I didn't jump on The Walkmen boat back in 2006 like everyone else did - frankly, anyone who plays on "The O.C." has a limited shelf life, in my opinion - but let's be honest. These guys are sick. And they're one of two bands on this lineup that's NY-based (Harlem, to be exact). If you like harder indie rock (at what point does indie rock cease being indie, and start being real?) like Wolf Parade or TV on the Radio, you'll dig these boys. Another thing to love? They like using vintage instruments.

15. "Season of Love" – Shiny Toy Guns
Love to listen: love love love looooooove
Despite the fact that their name totally weirds me out, I LOVE this song (how appropriate). It’s beautiful. As seems to be the trend, Shiny Toy Guns employs multiple voices arranged in simple harmonies. Not as many peeps as Architecture in Helsinki or Ed Sharpe, but enough for a quick chorus of females. The steady percussion is essential to this song. They have other good songs too – but this one takes it all. You’d think a song where “love, love love” is the refrain would be super cheesy, but the careful half-step chords even it out. The lyrics aren’t pretentious or flowery, and they do something a lot of love songs can’t do well – rhyme. If a guy played this for me, I’d melt.

16. "Weekend Wars" - MGMT
Become a hipster: weekend warrior
MGMT does it every time. Whether it’s bopping to sounds of “Electric Feel” or whistling an intro, MGMT (Management? M-G-M-T? It’s like O.A.R. or m.o.e. all over again) rocks their shit. Every hipster in the universe is familiar with MGMT’s greatest hits – “Kids” and “Time to Pretend,” to name two – but “Weekend Wars” is singularly my favorite and one that everyone with fake glasses and plaid shirts should get into. Sub-genre, as you may have guessed, is Hipster Rock.

17. "The ’59 Sound" - The Gaslight Anthem
Let it take you away: marley's chains
It took me awhile to get into The Gaslight Anthem. Heavy guitar doesn’t always do it for me (although I’m a sucker for guitar tracks with solid guy vocals, so sue me). Let’s think of bands that rock that – Van Halen. Guns ‘N Roses. The Clash. Not a bad lineup. I thought, ugh, Gaslight Anthem, that sounds like a frat band. But no. Not so.
I like the constant references to Marley of Dickens fame. I like the thoughts of what songs people will play for you when you die. And the guy? He sounds a little like Brandon Flowers, which of course is a plus. It’s like The Killers went to sleep, forgot about power chords, stopped relying on violins in the back of their songs, slept with The Jam and The Replacements, and produced this love child. It's got that old feel to it. Cool since it comes out of some Jersey boys' punk garage.

One last thing - this video is what I imagine a video would look like for a song I produce one day. Just straight up band-singing-song. Close-up on band member faces so you get poignant emotion. My life has a soundtrack, and I imagine if you're reading this, yours does too...well, this is what my soundtrack looks like a lot.

18. "Too Fake" - Hockey
Listen, if you want: too sick to be fake
The Kinks. Bobby Brown. Van Halen. Boyz II Men. All bands or dudes that showed us that talking in your songs is not only ideal, but potentially sexy. If you want a hit, you better whisper to a lady in your songs. Which is one of the reasons that I like Hockey and this single. Don't shirk off the New Wave label. If you like Duran Duran, or you pretend that you don't like Duran Duran and embrace all the New Wave retro shit that's floating out there right now (uh, hello - The Killers, LCD Soundsystem, The Strokes, Cobra Starship, any band that readily employs a synthesizer), then you'll like Hockey. Plus: 1) this kid wears a sparkly headband in the video, 2) his voice sounds kinda like my friend's (read: personal bias).

19. "Percussion Gun" - White Rabbits
listen: rabbit redux
I sense a little Gomez in here ("Airstream Driver") and honestly, a little Grizzly Bear, a little Queens of the Stone Age. I'd even throw a little bit of Kaiser Chiefs (who, notably, these guys toured with back in the day). These guys are the "other" NY band, based outta BROOKLYN! NY. As Santigold put it, "Brooklyn, we go hard." Well, these guys do. Kinda. In the way that only indie rock groups do. They claim they have a heavy Dylan influence (I don't hear it, but they do some great, mean covers of Blue Eyes), as well as a heavy influence from The Specials (definitely hear that, and if you haven't checked out that band yet, then you got another thing coming). Check out the album, "It's Frightening," as well as their live album (from 2007).

I'm gonna leave you guys with 19. Not 20. Why? First of all, it's 2009 for only a few more hours, ladies and gentlemen, so that's why. Second of all, I want to whet your appetite for more, not give you everything right here.

Looking forward to hearing, and seeing, everything there is to hear and see in 2010. I haven't had a great New Year's since 1999, so this one - a decade later - is gearing up to be a chill affair. Lord knows we'll have music to listen to.

PEACE in '09!

homage to the best rock & roll (covers of) holiday songs

2009-11-29T12:06:00.000-08:00

Happy holidays! Again.

Ah, the holidays...that special time of year when musicians get generous and create b-sides and special albums to celebrate cold weather and good cheer.

So this time, the playlist is all the best holiday songs created by (mostly rock & roll) greats. Some are covers, some are originals, some are just weird - but they're all holiday-oriented.

And because it's that special time of year, I gave you 25 wild and wacky Christmas songs to bring a special tear to your eye and skip to your step. Kwanzaa songs: I'm gonna be real, they were hard to find. Most of them featured small children singing. Nothing against kids, I mean, I teach them all day, but the good news is I did get a Hanukkah song. But yes, for the most part, they're Christmas songs. Think of them as holiday songs, for now.

1. "Father Christmas" by The Kinks
Here you go: come dancing!

This is honestly a little scary in terms of videos I've seen, but then again, it's The Kinks. In case you missed it, I'm not including lyrics in this edition, because, for the most part, they're all covers. But THIS one isn't. "Father Christmas" used to come on the radio back in the day, and I remember, I'd be jamming to the usual carols and covers stations would play...and this gem would arrive. "If you got what I want, a machine gun/So I can scare all the kids on the street" is a classic line. Does it get better? The Kinks also encourage Santa to "give all the toys/to the little rich boys." I guess? This video is in typical Kinks fashion, complete with blinking lights. Ever want to know what it feels like to trip your face off? Here's your chance.

2. "Great Big Sled" by The Killers
Here you is: elf video

Oh, The Killers. I have a not-so-secret thing for Mr. Flowers. "Great Big Sled" is another non-cover, which is regrettable because I bet these boys would do a mean rendition of "Joy To the World" or something of that nature. However, the video is retro and cool, and part of the reason this song made it on the list. I also appreciate ingenuity. And the way his face looks.
Not surprisingly, there's lots of Killers-esque gratuitous "guitar playing" (read: strumming one chord over and over) and extensive synth in the background. But I still think this beats "Don't Shoot Me Santa," their other Christmas song. And at least the chords are power chords. Give it 10 years; The Killers are gonna be on 2020's "Monster Ballads" CD that they sell on Time Life infomercials.

3. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by Amy Winehouse
Here you is: mummy lays a big one on the big guy

Maybe mummy? I saw mummy kissing Santa Claus? Amy Winehouse is such a wreck, but she does sing real nice. It's just a great thing to hear someone with that '50s style rock n' roll thing going on cover an old-timey song.

4. "All I Want For Christmas (Is You)" by My Chemical Romance
Here you go: oh, they're so good, but so weird.

Mariah, psh. Push over homegirl. Make room for your emo friends, My Chemical Romance. Black lipstick and the holidays are just so compatible.
The sheer irony of them singing this just puts them on the list. You really think this is all they want for Christmas? Picture Mariah singing it WITH them.

5. "The Hanukkah Song" by Adam Sandler
Here you go: it's hard to find songs about Hanukkah covered by other people.

You really need an explanation? Classic.

6. "Please Come Home for Christmas" by The Eagles
Here you is: I give you the Bon Jovi version, featuring Cindy Crawford

Oh Jon Bon Jovi, or Don Henley? Both have that delightful lost-boy look in their eyes. Both want you to come home for Christmas (that means YOU, Cindy Crawford). I tried my hardest to find the true Eagles video, but it apparently doesn't exist. So you'll have to settle for Bon Jovi. Blues don't get better. Well, they do, but not with this '90s cheese factor, or Don Henley's Boys of Summer croon.

7. "Yule Shoot Your Eye Out" by Fall Out Boy
Here ya go: video viddy video

Fall Out Boy rocks around the Christmas tree with this guy. I consider this to be more of pagan holiday song since technically it's got Yule in it. I guess they just finished listening to Don Henley, because Pete Wentz says, "Don't come home for Christmas/ You're the last thing I wanna see." Well. Touching. But catchy.

8. "Christmas Rap" by Run DMC
Here you is: christmas in hollis

Leave it to Run DMC - the DNA of all rap, the archetypal band for hip-hop - to come up with the best Christmas rap that exists...and possibly, the only Christmas rap that exists.

Here they proudly pronounce the yuletide spirit mixed with New York groove:

"Rhymes so loud and proud you hear it  
It's Christmas time and we got the spirit 
Jack Frost chillin', the orchas out?
And that's what Christmas is all about
The time is now, the place is here
And the whole wide world is filled with cheer"

My question, though, is what the hell is an "orcha"? Did I just hear that shit wrong?

9. "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" by Bruce Springsteen & the E-Street Band
Here you go: merry Bossmas

Brucey, baby, thank you for this. Thank you for all your New Jersey goodness and pride in the American dream. Thank you, specifically, for not writing your own Christmas songs (they would probably be like, "My Blue (Jean) Christmas" or "Stars and Stripes Roasting on an Open Fire").
Springsteen represents something in all of us that still believes in an American flag, and fighting for rights, and working in coal mines, and wearing blue jeans. Whatever that means. Still, he rocks the house when it's time. This is "Born to Run" with snow and jingle bells.

10. "So This is Christmas (War is Over)" by John Lennon
Here you is: video

Leave it to a Beatle. And good for Lennon for throwing in some anti-war propaganda into a Christmas song. And are those kids singing "hari krishna" in the background? Hallelujah? What's happening? I like it.

11. "Last Christmas" by WHAM!
Here you giz-o: 1984 called, wants its video back

First, hahahahahahaha. Like SARS, WHAM! has never, ever stopped being funny.

Second, another example of how Billboard Top 10 list is a weird, weird product of the people. But still, who sings this better than George Michael? I'm not even hating, not even a little bit; I play "Freedom '90" on a pretty regular rotation.

Third, it's funny to see George Michael making eyes at a special lady in this video and looking all coy about it. Ok, ok, he was a sex symbol. I'll give him that. But playing in the snow with that girl with the 'fro? By a barn? Who is he trying to be...The Boss!?

12. "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses
hereeee: waiting

These guys also sang a weirdly hypnotic hit single, "I Know What Boys Like," in the early '80s. Killer tune that got its hook remixed by Jay-Z. This is quite possibly my favorite song on this whole list. Don't know who The Waitresses are? They were an experimental "New Wave" band from Akron, Ohio. Patty Donahue and her sick vocals give life to their songs and also that characteristic "uhhhh" sound to everything. Fun fact about "I Know What Boys Like" is that it was originally released in 1980 and didn't even chart. Magically, in 1982, it hit #62 on the Billboard 100 and broke into the Top 20 on the Top Tracks. This band also wrote the theme song for the show "Square Pegs," featuring SJP.

Now who wants to play 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon?

13. "Christmas All Over Again" by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
Here you is: watch it again, and again, and again...

When it comes to Christmas, "The Waiting Is the Hardest Part," right? Ha. Ha.

Tom Petty doesn't disappoint with this guy. It's one of those songs you hear on the radio only at Christmastime and kinda forget about afterwards (also, it's not Christmastime anymore so it doesn't make sense). In predictable Tom Petty fashion, he sings about broken-heartedness (shocker) and being let down by some chick. But it's a good tune. It's just sad that Tom doesn't even get lucky at Christmas.

14. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by James Taylor
Here you is: touching

There's really nothing to say here except James Taylor a) is a badass and b) does the best rendition of this song, even better than any of the Rat Pack or Bing Crosby or ANYONE. It's just sweet, and that's how it should be.

15. "Oi to the World" by No Doubt
Here you is: joy? to the world?

Also sung by The Vandals, this song rocks by Gwen. Gwen in her glory days, before she married hot Gavin of Bush and had a million (2) babies. She's still hot, and she's still kickin', but Gwen will never be the same as she was back in the Forbidden Kingdom days, when I'd ride home from school with my entire carpool wishing I knew every word to "Spiderwebs." I like the vibe this song's got, and it's not quite a cover, not quite a remake, not quite its own entity. So, let us give thanks.

16. "Someday at Christmas" by the Jackson 5
Here you go: stare at this delightful Jackson montage.

I am devoted to the Jackson 5, and not just because MJ (RIP) is no longer with us. I chose this over the Stevie Wonder version because their dancing skills are better than Stevie's (I realize that SW is blind, yes) and I just love love love MJ's boyish soprano.

17. "I Won't Be Home for Christmas" by Blink-182
Hereeeeee: i'd be home for blink

What is it with my alt-rock boys hating on Christmas? First Blink, then Fall Out Boy. Chronologically, anyway. Not a shocker that Mark, Tom, or Travis won't be home for Christmas - they're probably all off inhaling helium somewhere, playing in their side bands and being awesome like usual. Oh but the things I would do for Blink to dial back old-school and make another CD.

18. "Christmas" by The Who
HERE: tommy

The Who is untouchable. "Tommy" is a weird show, but this song is one you don't hear a whole lot, and its sheer proximity to the other songs in "Tommy," like "Pinball Wizard," makes it hot by association.

19. "Jingle Bell Rock" by Hall & Oates
Heeereeee: private eyes are watching you

This is a cover. I repeat: this is a cover. Covers are good, but why didn't I put the Amy Grant version of this guy - yep, the one that was featured in "Home Alone" - in here? What got it onto the 25 hot list of cool songs? The fact that H&O are providing us with the vocals.
Other notable hits by Hall & Oates:
1. Your Kiss (Is On My List)
2. Private Eyes (Are Watching You)
3. (She's a) Rich Girl

Why some many parentheses, boys? Why? What are you trying to tell us?

20. "Another Lonely Christmas" by Prince
Heylo: here's some kid's link, with this song.

Prince has changed his name so many times it makes my head spin, but that only makes him more eligible for this list. I'm not sure why he's lonely, considering despite his ridiculously androgynous exterior he is an undisputed global sex symbol.

21. "Please Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas" by The Decemberists
Hi: amazon was the only legit link i could find.

I love me some Decemberists. Their name makes this even better. I mean, get it? December? Christmas? Holidays?
Typically The Decemberists stick to pretty minimal song titles, so this is very Fall Out Boyish of them. It's a funny song, and Colin Meloy's front vocals are so piercing and eloquent that you can't help but listen. Plus, the guitarist's name is Chris (like Christmas) Funk. The guy's name is FUNK.

22. "A Change at Christmas (Say It Isn't So)" by The Flaming Lips
Hey, watch this: it is so.

The Flaming Lips apparently formed way back in '83. They were named by Q Magazine as one of the "50 Bands to See Before You Die." In like fashion, this is one of "50 Songs You Should Hear Before You Die/Celebrate the New Year." Wayne Coyne has a cool name (right?) and this song is a traditional Flaming Lips arrangement of Christmas psychedelica and layered instruments and vocals.

23. "Christmas Must Be Tonight" by The Band
Oh, here's a video: i love the band. the end.

I think it's so funny when songs announce facts like this. Like someone would really be sitting at dinner somewhere and look around be and be like, "Oh, shit. Christmas. That's tonight. THAT'S what everyone is so geared up about, and THAT'S why all those lights are hanging. Motherfucker. My wife's gonna be pissed."
Maybe The Band, since they are amazing and great, didn't mean it quite as tongue-in-cheek as I made it. But it's still funny, and since the season is about giving, thank you, men of The Band, for giving this to me.

24. "Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis" by Tom Waits
Keep the change, you filthy animal: round yon virgin, mother and child

Oh, Tom Waits. Ever since "Rain Dogs," I have loved you so. This only makes me love you more. I don't think anyone, literally, anyone, could successfully merge "Silent Night" with a ballad about a hooker in Minnesota.

Tom Waits has a very - VERY - distinctive voice. One critic described his voice as sounding “like it was soaked in a vat of bourbon, left hanging in the smokehouse for a few months and then taken outside and run over with a car." As for the actual music, his own wife, Kathleen, divided his songs into two groups, "the grim reapers and the grand weepers." And, of his own troubles with drugs, alcohol, and the like, Tom reports:
It wasn't a cool thing...[i]t was a frightening thing. I mean, I thought I was mentally ill, that maybe I was retarded. I'd put my hand on a sheet like this [rubbing his shirt] and it'd sound like sandpaper. Or a plane going by.'

Well, thanks Tom. So I hope that clarifies a little of this song, and where it comes from. I'm less happy to report that Tom is now a teetotaler and writing songs that make the Vatican happy. But let's be real, his face is all over NYC scaffolding right now blowing glitter everywhere.

25. "Here It Is Christmas Time" by The Old '97's

The Old '97's rock. First of all, their name rocks. Second of all, this is a great song to end the lineup, because the Old 97's don't get nearly enough airplay. So I'm relying on what psychology dubs the "Latency Effect," which is the proven fact that people remember best those things they see last (yes, there's also the "Recency Effect," but forget that for now). It's happy, it's jolly, it's everything a holiday tune should be. And it's very to the point - Here. It. Is. Christmas. Time. Woot.

So, ye children, one and all, there ye have it.

and this is what the world has come to.

2009-11-22T18:40:00.000-08:00

So I just checked out the Billboard Hot 100 and threw up in my mouth. Just a little bit.

What is the world coming to? Is the state of American - shit, global? - music to the point where we respectfully drag ourselves to record stores and iTunes galleries and actually shell out a buck for Jesse McCartney f. T-Pain "Body Language"? Oh. My. God.

No offense, dude. I respect what you do, just not the music you dique create, and hey - you're really successful. T-Pain, I'm not even going to get into it with you. You're nothing to me like T.I. is, but you're still a reputation and a face, and now you're just a face.

Anyway, so a lot of people obviously disagree with me because they made it past #30 on the Billboard.

Lucky for me, I don't really credit that as valid music credentials.

The THIZeme today? December's Playlist.
All of these hold some sort of significance for the upcoming holidizzle season.

1. The Bangles "Hazy Shade of Winter"
Hey listen: 1988 - Haze
Hey, look: Carry a gun in your hand/Look around, leaves are brown/And the sky is a hazy shade of winter
Ah, the girls of The Bangles. Susanna was always the coolest (sorry, ladies). This was featured in some '80s movie, I want to say "Less Than Zero"? That movie had a sick soundtrack, regardless. This one is a pretty obvious choice for December's soundtrack. Look around. The guitar is pretty slick, too. And chicks who play guitar and sing? Doubly slick.

2. Atreyu "Falling Down"
Hey, listen: Atreyu uses "The Outsiders" as vid inspiration
Hey, look: It's in your head, all the voices mistaken/Shake it off, shake it off/We're all dyin' in the end
I first started liking this band because they're named after the awesome kid in The Neverending Story that rescues the childlike princess. Right? Didn't he rescue her? Whatever. Anyway, I think December sets itself up to be this dreary month, right? But this helps keep some perspective. And who doesn't need perspective? I also like any song that brings in a horn section and readily employs crescendo.

3. Bad Company "Silver, Blue, and Gold"
Hey, listen: live in concert
Hey, look: Oh, the time that it takes for a love to grow cold is a wonder to me/I'm walkin' around, with my head hangin' down/Tell me, where is she?
This is SUCH an oldie but a goodie. It used to come on 99.5 FM in New Orleans, all the time. I can remember being a junior in high school and just being psyched when this would come on when I was driving to school. It's so simple, and so pretty, like Christmas carols should be. But we're not talking about carols, we're talking about Bad Company getting less gritty and more lovey, which is weird. But nice. I have no idea what Bad Company looked like back in the day, but I imagine it was something like Stillwater in "Almost Famous."

4. The Beach Boys "Sail on Sailor"
Hey, listen: beach boyz
Hey, look: Passed shipwrecked daughters/Of wicked waters...wail on, wail on sailors
Yep. Lyin' awake, just like Brian Wilson did. Such a non-Beach Boys-sounding-Beach Boys song. It's got this rocking old-timey beat and just builds and builds. Brian Wilson, you are a god. I heard this song for the first time in "The Departed," which had a masterful soundtrack. Whoever designed that soundtrack, if you ever read this, I'd like to work for you/have your job. What does it have to do with December, you may ask? This is a perfect riding-home-from-work song, whether you're a subway fiend or a car thief. You're just like, really? It's dark at 5? Good thing I have this song.

5. Boxcar Racer "Cat Like Thief"
Hey, listen: there's no vid, but there is a soundscape.
Hey, look: Two by two, three by three/Four by four, let's do some more
Travis Barker and Tom DeLonge of blizzity Blink 182 dropped Mark Hoppus (busy at work on his own venture, +44) and formed this side band, which is actually pretty cool. Can we talk about all the side bands these boys have, just for a second? +44 is Mark and Tom. Angels & Airwaves is Mark and Travis. Ok, done. How DOES he get his voice like that? My guess is heavy painkillers and a lot of heart.
So, I love the metaphor of a cat-like thief. And the build of the guitar and bass is a nice, steady one. There's something about his voice that defines Blink and all of those side bands. Good song to wake up to when it's really dark outside.

6. The Buzzcocks "Why Can't I Touch It?"
Hey, listen: touch it.
Hey, look: So whyyyyyyy can't I touch it?
Ha, get the connection? Like opening your presents. Ok, I know not everyone has a celebration where gifts are opened. But there's that ever-present anticipation in the air. My question, obviously, is WHAT can you not touch?

7. Brand New "Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis"
Hey, listen: this song is a hymn.
Hey, look: I will lie awake/Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you/Let you fall for every empty word I say
Such a great song. Little solemn, I know, but gotta give credit where credit is due. And face it, December to an extent, especially when you're hitting the wall of post-holiday depression, is solemn.
I have stuck by Brand New all these years. They did the Sum 41 thing (reference to back last week when I threw in Bowling for Soup as a wildcard) in the early 2000s, and they've evolved nicely. Check out "Jesus Christ" off their relatively-new album. I saw Brand New in concert last spring, and they throw a good show. Every lead singer of any band should watch - this guy knows what's up. So the lyrics are kinda mean, I get it. And I don't really get the title. But the drifty guitar is haunting and compliments the lyrics well. And the end? Amazing. Maybe that's the Elvis part. December connection: goes with the dark winter thing.

8. The Cars "Moving in Stereo"
Hey, listen: live in Houston '84
Hey, look: We're moving, moving in stereo
Ok, sorry, but I just love The Cars. These guys get the MVP spot. Rick Ocasek (oh-KAY-sik) dominates the shit out of any and everything. Who knew a simple computer-sound synth could sound so great on a song? These guys take really simple bass lines and just steamroll. I think that's the key with The Cars, as a band - it's just one of those perfect combinations. They have Rick's voice, a wicked(ly simple) bass line on every song, and that's a good foundation for anything they do. "Moving in Stereo" is just a musical feat. No real December connection except Happy Holidays to everyone, here is the best song on the list.

9. The Clash "Straight to Hell"
Hey, listen: all the live versions were shit.
Hey, look: Speaking king's English in quotation.../You wanna play mind-crazed banjo/On the druggy-drug Ragtime USA?
Oh wait, you thought MIA came up with that shiz on her own? Yeah, right. Just like when I looked at the #3 song on Billboard and heard an Imogen Heap hook. Props, MIA - you took the best Clash song ever made and made it into a rocking hip-hop masterpiece.
Don't confuse hip-hop with the boys of The Clash, however.
The song just goes well with cold weather 'cause it gets you mooooovin' and thinkin'.

10. Talib Kweli/Strong Arm Steady "Shame"
Hey, listen: all your cash in my wallet, let's go
Hey, look: Y'all think we like a chain in a link/Skill overkill
What UP Talib Kweli, welcome to the 21st century. We missed ya. This guy just never fails to impress, in my opinion. The hook's tight, and it's a good song for December to remind you of who you are. You need something to keep you going.

11. LCD Soundsystem "Someone Great"
Hey, listen: something great.
Hey, look: I wish that we could talk about it/But there, that's the problem.../We're safe, for the moment.../Saved for the moment.
I love this band. They sound like snow falling.

Hahahaha, you think I really wrote that cheesefest?

No, seriously. This is a great band. And THEIR lyrics are pretty amazing. Like this one, for example? And hey, even look at the title - "Someone Great." Besides the obvious message of keep-your-someone-greats-close, the vid for this is winter in NYC. Enough said. There is a certain something to the air when it's cold outside and you're not in a bathing suit, and I don't know what that feeling is, but LCD Soundsystem does.

12. Elefant "Now That I Miss Her"
Hey, listen: to elefant
Hey, look: And all I can do/Is write a song about her/And hope that one day she turns around
January is the #1 breakup month. Wanna know why? Because in December, people start hating. Also, Cosmopolitan magazine says it is because during December, women feel like hibernating, then they feel fat and gross and don't wanna do it with their boyfriends. That could also be true. When people don't feel like getting down, typically what happens is they break up.
So, this song fits. Even though it's on the December soundtrack, it's called being proactive people. If I'm single, so are you.
Also, Diego's mullet is ALL business in the front, ALL party rockstar in the back. Just like this song is all business during the verses, and then that riff and drumline come in. The song is a big mullet.

13. Miracle Fortress "Poetaster"
Hey, listen: fan video, don't hate me, it's the only one I could find.
Hey, look: I'm in no shape to share my point of view/Maybe failing's the first thing I can do
In December, you reflect. Miracle Fortress, as much as it sounds like a level in Super Mario, is a Canadian indie rock band (shocker, I chose an indie rock band). I heard about them from my friend JDT, and he's pretty on top of musicality. Yes, Prince made up that word - musicality. And I just used it in a sentence.
So, back to my topic sentence: I think this is a song that promotes reflection. Just to "ooooos" in the background are enough, but on top of that, there's that strange whirring sound in it, like what movies play when someone's going back in time or having a memory flood. Trust me. The last part of the song is all about undoing errors - and December's the month for that. Because everyone's looking forward to the New Year's playlist, right? Right.

14. Latryx "Lady Don't Tek No"
Hey, listen: this guy later started Blackalicious
Hey, look: She ain't tripping off no images/Her interests are all limitless, she ain't limited by inhibitions
Latryx consists of 2 dudes - "Lateef the Truth Speaker" and "Lyrics Born" (hence Lat- and "ryx," which is -rics shortened and coolified). In the early '90s, they got together and formed Latryx, which is good for US because now their hit single, "Lady Don't Tek No" can go from DJ Curious' smooth spinnin' to this cool blog and my dream of writing for a publication like Rolling Stone.
Significance? Here is some alternative hip-hop for you. I just think it's a hip song. My friend used to spin this in frat basements back in the day, and I'd bet good money he's still spinning it to this day.

15.Nada Surf "Blonde on Blonde" AND "Blizzard of '77"
Hey, listen: Blizzard or Blonde on Blonde
Hey, look: I've got no time I wanna lose/To people with something to prove
Nada Surf is like the quintessential December band. "Blizzard of '77" is a pretty under-the-radar single that speaks for itself. "Blonde on Blonde" just has that chime-y sound that goes nicely with any winter month, and that one line I sampled makes it a December winner. The whole song itself is a big lullabye.

16. Klaxons "It's Not Over Yet"
Hey, listen: Klaxity Defined
Hey, look: Don't throw it all away/Don't let it slip away
And buddy NEITHER is the year. Now is a time for remembering. I started liking the Klaxons with "Golden Skans" awhile back; this one is a little more hard and lighter on the oooos (although I'm not hating on the oooo-ing, I like the oooos in "Golden Skans").

17. Ra Ra Riot "Can You Tell"
Hey, listen: ra ra ra ra ra rrrrriot
Hey, look: What am I supposed to do/It's hard to stay cool
Well, it's not really that hard to stay cool in December. Unless you live in Panama. BUT since we're all friends here, I'll get real with you: the song's not really seasonal. Still, I like the sense of anticipation it's got, which...you guessed it. Goes with the seaz.

18. Jason DeRulo "Whatcha Say"
Hey, listen: great sample
Hey, look: 'Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out/I just didn't know where to go
Imogen Heap is a December chick. Straight up. This guy Derooolio is cool people, but he's even cooler because he snagged an Imogen Heap hook.

19. Tokyo Police Club "Your English Is Good"
Hey, listen: it is good.
Hey, look: These are the lines/That we straighten every year
Hey, your English IS good, Tokyo Police Club. I'd heard of this band a little, and I don't remember where I really heard this song. But I like it. The one line that makes this a holiday song? What I showed you up here. I'm less big on the kitschy holiday music, bigger on songs with that underlying message. And remember what I told you - what you hear depends on how you hear it and loud and clear it.

20. My Morning Jacket "One Big Holiday"
Hey, listen: happy holiday.
Hey, look: If we holler loud and make our way/We'd all live one big holiday
My Morning Jacket nails the '70s rock guitar style, in my opinion. I mean, yeah, they're less glam, less Led, more folksy, I get it. I'm not putting them in the same category as Bad Company. I'm definitely not throwing them in with Corporate Rock (see: Kansas), which is not '70s rock but a moderately regrettable sub-genre of '70s rock. What MMJ does well: minimalist lyrics, more groove. Less lyrics, more "serious music." At the end, all that happens is scales on the guitar, and you know what? That's alright with me. It's a little, LITTLE bit reminiscent of Ozzy's "Crazy Train" at the VERY end with the bass picks.

So, fine people, today is the first official day of the Holiday Season post-Thanksgiving. Look forward to best Best Holiday Songs, not to be confused with Best December Songs. I also notably just pulled my own "Flashdance" moment and turned my sweater around in the middle of Bryant Park's Public Library when I realized it was on backwards. Super.

Adios. For now.

songs that (mostly) dudes play

2009-11-14T08:48:00.000-08:00

On Friday, I went to a quaint little wine tasting at my friend's apartment in Alphabet City in the CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS.

I rated 5 wines. It went something like this: I'm mildly allergic to red wine. Like, I can have a glass, and what happens is I'm affected more than the average joe. Two glasses? Sayonara. Headaches speak to me in the morning, and who knows what causes that. I also vomit profusely, and in the end I have learned my lesson about red wine, even though I like it. Therefore, most of my reviews were a) written while I wasn't sober and b) started with "I'm allergic to red, but..." I also used a lot of similes that were generally inappropriate. "Warm and rich, like a little grandmother."

Also of note is the fact that I went to karaoke last night with a big group. We went to this downtown place located conveniently near the bar where I worked (and went, at 3:30 AM, to greet all my coworkers, because that's a great idea). It's called Boho Karaoke.

They're doing this half-price special for the month, and so we all got a private room for $5 an hour. What else in NYC is $5 an hour? NOTHING. Of course we did it. Here is a letter I wrote:

Dear Hater-Girl who felt the need to put on blast the fact that she doesn't like it when people who can carry a tune join the karaoke fun,
Get a hate log. Channel that hate into something productive, like writing or picking up trash off the highway. And don't get me wrong, I'm not the world's best singer. But now I can't sing karaoke unless I'm bad at it? In a world where there's so much shit to deal with, hating is just a big waste of time. Notably, everyone else hated her hating and she had to sing by herself. She would stop after each song and ask if it was fun afterwards. I didn't think that was fun. I thought that was strange. Of course singing is fun. And yeah, singing and laughing at yourself is really fun, but so is singing and hearing the notes. Just weird, that chick.

THAT BEING SAID HERE ARE THIS WEEK'S COOL TUNES

Today's Playlist Theme: Good Songs Named After Chicks
Editor's Note: So lots of time people write songs about when they are in love and it's unrequited, or given back, or kinda given back (quasi-requited?), or fucked up. Most of the time, those people are dudes. Writing about girls. Sometimes, SOMETIMES, it's girls writing about guys, but I don't know about you...I find that most music written by ladies having to do with love typically involves getting fucked over. You tell me. And that's not fun to write about.

1. "Anna" - Jupiter One
Have a listen: http://www.amazon.com/Anna/dp/B002NZZDWU
What it says: When a heart gets drunk on a face and some words/then a picture forms, it doesn't take long
Unfortunately, there's no link to this piece, so you will have to settle for a snippet of it on Amazon. It's got this cool '80s thing going on. It's a little kitschy. Sub-genre here is I-Feel-Bad-For-This-Girl rock. It sounds remarkably like Toto's "Rosanna," which is a personal favorite and another clutch song named after a chick. I'm not going to give "Rosanna" a spot on the playlist though, so she's named here and sounds like this song ("Rosanna" is definitely in a different category though). I listened to these guys open for Regina Spektor, and I was impressed. They sound kind of like Phoenix, but a little more LES than French.

2. "Queen Jane Approximately" - Bob Dylan
Have a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcbDJi0Egok
What it says: And when all the bandits you turn your other cheek to/Lay down their bandannas and complain/And you want somebody you don't have to speak to/Won't you come and see me, Queen Jane?
Here's the sub-genre of I-Know-Better-Than-You Rock, as in, you think you don't need me, but you totally do because you're too messed up to see what's wrong with you. Originally released as a b-side (I'm still convinced that all b-sides are amazing, just like every second song on every album, pretty much, is amazing. If you made an entire CD of "second songs" - I have - you would believe me), this song dominates. This song has been covered by tons of peeps, including eminent greats like The Grateful Dead (RIP Jerry) and The Four Seasons. It's not a love song. True to form, Dylan invites Jane to come and chill with him and leave her superficial life at the door. And probably do some [lots of] drugs.

3. "For Nancy" - Pete Yorn
Have a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFrx8fSe2fI
What it says: And when you said I could not stay with you/That's not the way you would have wanted to be
Ok, yes, I love Pete Yorn. I think he's amazing. Everytime I go to Starbucks and I see his face on the cover of that CD he made with Scarlett Johanssen, I'm like, shit. Here is a hot guy who will never know I exist. But besides that, he's awesome. Pete Yorn writes great songs about girls and about how much he loves girls, and you gotta give him props for that. Go ahead and categorize this one.

4. "Geraldine" - Glasvegas
Have a listen: http://www.youtube.com/user/glasvegas?blend=2&ob=1
What this song says:
This one is interesting. It's not exactly love like typical song love, but it's the I'm-Here-For-You Rock. Lady Gaga said these guys were her biggest influence in her most recent interview. Don't really hear it, but I have always thought Glasvegas was wicked good. Also, the lead singer is a carbon copy of Joe Strummer from The Clash, one of the greatest bands of all time. As you may have guessed, if I could go to any time period and listen to music authentically, I would go to 1978 blue-collar England and stay there until 1983. And Glasvegas is getting pretty close to that for me.

5. "Bryn" - Vampire Weekend
Have a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFi4E9Wun7E
What this song says: Ion displacement won't work in a basement/Especially when I'm not with you
Amazing. I like Vampire Weekend a whole lot. I used to go to grad school with Ezra. He sat right next to me in a delightful striped sweater one Saturday each month. That's my claim to fame and the only name-dropping I'll do on this blog. Except for the thing about David Bowie and the treadmill. My friends who went to school with these guys actually know Bryn and say she's a cool chick. I just think the song has a nice thing going on with the guitar, and it's simple enough to be a good foil to all those sappy love songs. Sub-genre? Hipster-Basement-Guys-Love-Girls Rock.

6. "Chelsea" - Stefy
Have a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1RMCuIUB9c
What this song says: She called me while you were kissin'/So I could hear what I was missin'
Brutal, this chick Chelsea. Here is the sub-genre of what I like to call chick hate rock/pop. I mean, guys write it too. A great example would be most of Jet's songs. Stefy is a South-American born girl with a good backup band, and they know how to work a synth.

7. "Emily" - Bowling for Soup
Have a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewD6GHRLBnM
What this song says: I got cast outside on my ass/So I hooked up with a model from Singapore
Ha. I pretend this song was written for me sometimes. Forgive me for putting some loud pseudo-punky Bowling for Soup on here (even though I know everyone listened to Sum 41 in high school), but I gotta give a shout-out to my nomenclature. This represents the sub-genre of I'm-Pretending-That-I-Hate-You-But-Deep-Down-I-Dig-You Rock. It might hurt your ears, though. These guys tried so hard to follow the Blink-182 movement. So hard.

8. "Angie" - The Rolling Stones
Have a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMkFjYRWM4M
What it says: You can't say we're satisfied/But Angie...everywhere I look I see your eyes
Dude, Jagger was the man. I used to hate this song. I thought it was whiney and mopey. But as I grew to appreciate whole repertoires of bands like The Stones, I have to love Angie. Quintessential I-Love-You-But-We-Won't-Work-Out Rock.

9. "Adeline" - Built By Animals
Have a listen: Go see them when they play a show. Check out their website.
What this song says: This song was explained to me once. Don't know who Adeline is, but how cool is it to have a song written about you, Adeline, and you never know it? I wonder if I have a song written about me somewhere that I don't know about. Right now it's sitting squarely in a similar category to "Bryn," but I like the sound of this guy a lot better. "Bryn" is sweet; "Adeline" is a little bit sad and I like that. So I'd call it Saw-Her-And-Missed-Her Music.

10. "Brandy" - Looking Glass
Have a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-tRXewCAmU
What this songs says: He made it clear that he could not stay/No harbor was his home
Oh, Brandy. You were such a fine girl. But you weren't fine enough for the sailors of the sea, especially that one jerk that gave you a silver braided chain from Spain and left you on your ass back in the harbor. Poor Brandy. Maybe she's not a ho. But any chick that serves all that liquor to lonely sailors and lures them in with her eyes probably is. Sub-genre, as you may have guessed, is I-Think-You're-Really-Hot-But-I-Have-A-Boat, Motherfucker Rock. So long, Brandy.
*This is very similar to "Angie" in terms of message, except it's not speaking sung in 1st person, and it's not exactly mourning the fact that Brandy and her sailor-man didn't work out.

11. "Julie's in the Drug Squad" - The Clash
Have a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Etq5AEbT9sI
What it says: Sooner or later, you're gonna realize/That Julie's been working for the drug squad
Hey, that would suck, right? When you think you know a girl, and everything's cool, but really she's a big narc. Similar to songs that preach about girls who seemed one way and then after awhile, turns out those girls sucked bigtime. Well, Julie doesn't suck; she just has another job that interferes with The Clash. Good job Julie. We'll call this, Thought-I-Knew-That-Bitch rock.

12. "Miss Alissa" - Eagles of Death Metal
Have a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Yr1-BBMaMA
What it says: You know I try so hard/But I think you don't see/'Cos I'm movin' so fast/We call it rock and rollin'
Oh this song. This song is a treat. The Eagles of Death Metal, first of all, are wholly under-appreciated in my opinion. Sub-genre: Notice-Me-Girl. Listen to it, and you'll get the idea. Ever need a song to work out to? Here's your answer.

13. "Fiona" - The Low Life
Have a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QR61HdHCSKo
What it says: I love you so/But you act like such a ho
Isn't that always the case? This falls into the I-Wish-I-Didn't-Like-Her-But-I-Do box. Fiona...wasn't that also the name of the chick in "Eurotrip"? I don't know a nice Fiona, except Fiona Apple, and even she sang about how she was screwing over dudes. This has a nice jam band/reggae vibe going with it. Don't know what ever happened to these guys; I started listening to this Virginia band in college (technically Washington DC). They're not signed, but they're good. Influences clearly include Sublime.

14. "Bette Davis Eyes" - Kim Carnes
Have a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPOIS5taqA8
What is says: She knows just what it takes/To make a pro blush
If I could sing like this chick, I would. She has the perfect raspy voice. This is one of those weird third-person narrated songs that a chick sings about another chick, telling a guy about a feature of a girl. I give it an A. Pretty sure they didn't get an opinion on the video, because it's mad weird. Does Kim Carnes really need that whole backup band?

15. "Lola" - The Kinks
Have a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ixqbc7X2NQY
What it says: Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand/Why she walks like a woman/And talks like a man
This song is fantastic and will always be a classic. I feel weird categorizing The Kinks, 'cause they're weird, and so's this song. I'm going to go ahead and place it in the I'm-Infatuated category.

You'll notice I left out classics like "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds." Songs that are about other things and use girl names as symbols were typically left outta this playlist.

Got some suggestions? Leave em in the comments box BRO.

experts in the middle east

2009-10-07T18:49:00.000-07:00

An expert is defined as one who knows a great amount about a particular subject, while also possessing significant skill associated with said content.

My friend T, in his efforts to teach his kids at school persuasive techniques to prepare them for interviews, decided that he would throw random subjects about which they knew NOTHING at them today, in the hopes that it would prepare them to bullshit adequately. Ok, so obviously it's not his goal to get his students to BS. It WAS a free period at the end of a week. And he said it was fun.

Obviously, we played that game tonight.

This is how you play the Expert Game. You sit around with a group of people and act like our friend A. A has somehow finagled his way into any and everything. Playboy. A national nonprofit teaching organization. Thus, he was a pro at the Expert Game.

Here is a sampling of some of the topics we shot at each other.

Forest Fires
Player: S
A poses, "What can I, as the average bear citizen, do to prevent forest fires, S?"
S responded, "I'm glad you asked, average bear. What you need to do is peel little strips of wood that won't ignite readily, and there you have it. Don't blow too hard, it makes the wind blow."

Cabbage Patch Kids
Player: Me
T asked, "So, B, what do you think of the Cabbage Patch Kids?"
Me: Such a good question, T. Where do I begin?
T: That's really a question for you, B.
Me: I think it really starts with the original CP - Cabbage Patch - in Southeast Australia. The Hoddi Tribe. The soil there is so rich, it really wasn't a big leap to watch children emerge from soil fully formed and ready for camraderie and public service. Really a human interest piece.
A: What are your thoughts on the Great Cabbage-Radish Divide?
Me: Are you referring to the Divide post-Cabbage World War?
A: Naturally.
Me: Well, A, it's really a question of Radish Manifestdestiny.
G: I'd like to dovetail off of that. Back in the 1850s, the Radish Children really rallied, coming forth from the immigration act of 1835. The Radishes were a good people, but ultimately, not strong enough to really overcome the spirit of the Cabbage People. It lasted well into the 20th century, this feeling of hate and the prejudice that resulted. Things were friendly in the early 19th century, but those feelings had dissipated by the end of the 1800s, given that the radishes really infringed upon what the Cabbage people felt were their god-given rights.
A: And the Great Cabbage Fire of 1906?
Me: Well, yeah. That was a big...thing...that happened when the Radishes and Cabbages split into their...parts...
G: You sound really smart. And expert.

Dogs
Player: A
Me: "What are your thoughts on the healthiest breed of dog?"
A: My thoughts on the healthiest breed of dog?
Me: Yes.

--A strategy 1: repeat the question and buy time. A claimed it sounded erudite.--

Well, that depends on the culture in which the dog resides. Tribal or sub-state?

--A's strategy was to buy time by stalling the question.--

Me: Tribal.
A: Well, then we start getting into dialectical differences.

Pier 1
Player: A
"Pier 1: an excellent west coast subdivision of Best Buy. It's very interesting that you bring up Pier 1, as I am from the west coast and Pier 1 single-handedly created an Asian Tiger."
We all looked at each other, baffled.

"Asian Tiger refers to the trading between America and China, specifically the west coast.
It relates to Pier 1 because the Asian Tiger has fueled Pier 1's success."
G: What was the nature of the Asian Tiger?
A: Please define "nature."
G: Trees.

Educational Achievement Gap
Player: A
"The educational gap is very disturbing."
(A's strategy here was clearly the shorter, the better.)

I'm cooking breakfast this whole time. I hear A call out, "Hey! Can I use your computer?" I respond, "No," and come out to A playing on my computer.
"I started while you were saying no..."

Part II: A's Parable

Much like Jesus, A relates to us bits of knowledge and wisdom that encompass most of our mortal lives.

"So let me tell you this. Let me see if you can guess what this situation is an analogy for.
An alligator and a scorpion are on the bank of a river. They're hangin' out.
And the alligator wants to cross the river, and so does the scorpion. The alligator can cross the river, no problem. Aren't alligators born on underwater? Right. So anyway. Alligator is gonna cross, and the scorpion wants to cross the river, y'know? So the scorpion is like, yo bro, can i cross the river? And the alligator's like, uh, no because you'll sting me and kill me. And the scorpion's like, nah dude. Because if I stung you, I'd die too, in the water. So the alligator's like, ok. And it takes the scorpion up on its back, and they ride across together.

At this point, A's ADD got in the way and we all listened as T goes, "Is it the Middle East?"
A: Yeah man. But let me finish.

A continued:
And then, in the middle of the river, the scorpion up and stings the alligator. And as the alligator's like, dying and drowning and shit, he turns his head and goes, "Why'd you sting me?" and the scorpion goes..."I don't know, man, it's the Middle East."

A then goes, "So, do you know what it's for?"
We all look blankly at him.
G: Uh...the Middle East?
A: YEAH! Have you heard this before?
Me: A, you gave it away. Don't you remember 3 seconds ago?
A: Dude, it's a PARABLE.

I challenged A. I googled it, and found that it was really a parable about a turtle, and the last line is nothing like what A claimed it was.

"I thought you guys went to accredited universities!" said A. "I want to see your transcripts!"
"US?" I yelled. "US!!? After that pathetic excuse of a parable you told us?"
I pointed out what I'd googled.
"Where'd you even get that from? Turtle.gov?" A retorted.
"Where's YOURS from, garbageclown.com?" I yelled back.

A failed to set up the joke as taking PLACE in the Middle East, which is what makes it make sense. If you just set it up as a parable, the Middle East line makes no sense. We googled it, and the original line the scorpion says at the end is, "I don't know, it's my character," and the parable is about the innate nature of creatures. Compare those two last lines. Just go ahead and compare. It's also about a turtle and a scorpion, not an alligator.

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZONGS:
"that's entertainment" - the jam
"night on fire" - vhs or beta
"sink into me" - taking back sunday
"i'll be you" - the replacements

wacky wednesdays

2009-09-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

So right now I'm at Wacky Wednesday. That's when G and I go up to our friend's apartment - S, A, and J - and enjoy the night together. Just a couple of guys and girls chillin' out.

Wacky Wednesday (WW) has become a regular thing lately. Three weeks and running. Just now, my manic friend A decided to start an impromptu game of "Fact of Fiction," based entirely on his memorization of facts from Johns Hopkins website today.

"Fact of fiction - a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's."
FICTION - irrelevant, since they're different species.

"Fact or fiction - tap water is cleaner than bottled water."
UHHH...jury's still out. We all yelled at A because we said it was completely dependent on where you lived. A, who suffers from ADHD profoundly, abruptly switched to a new F or F.

"Fact or fiction...in millions of years, a really long time, L.A. is going to be next to San Francisco."
We all debated. A threw out the question a number of times, emphasizing the word "millions." T asked, "Are you trying to get at the fault lines bro?" And A nodded.

I voted fiction at the end of it all, along with J and G. We all debated and decided, eventually, that California would straight up fall into the ocean before it moved next door to San Fran. A debated like a hero until finally he just resorted to screaming, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I FUCKING LIVED IN CALIFORNIA! I DID THOSE EARTHQUAKE DRILLS SINCE I WAS 3!!! I DID THOSE BRO!" over and over.

We all looked on in shock as L and A locked into a heated debate about transformative, divergent, and convergent plate boundaries. Fault lines. Trenches. It was the most hood argument with the most elevated scientific language I've heard, ever. One boy from Hacienda Heights vs. one boy from So Brooklyn, dueling it out over plate tectonics. Absurd.

"SO EXPLAIN. EXPLAIN PLATE TECTONICS TO ME," we could make out J shouting. "Explain that. If you can do that, I'll pay you money!"

So that happened. Eventually we discovered that A only had a 6th grade working knowledge of plate tectonics, and the word Pangaea. I showed him with my hands the three types of plate boundaries and he picked the one he liked the most and labeled it as the movement L.A. would be making to San Francisco (he chose convergent). He was wrong. It is transformative (right?).

Right now, A's talking about how he loves some chick who's a Gemini.
"Me and Geminis just go together so well. Don't you guys have a horoscopical sign that you go together with?"
"Horoscopical?" I asked. "Is that a word we're using now?"
"Excuse me Miriam, Miriam Webster."

And finally, the last thing that happened today (totally unrelated):
I have this great kid in my class. We are all writing about memories, and this kid has been on and off with writing. So imagine my delight when he waltzes in talking about the kickass draft he wrote last night. And imagine my greater shock and horror when I read his draft in Writing class and his "memory" is a straight up fictional story about how him and I go to Chuck-E-Cheez. No joke. NOT a joke.

The exchange went like this:
"Honey...you do understand that we've been writing about...memories...for the last 3 weeks."
"Uh huh."
"What's a memory?"
"Something you remember. Something that happened to you."
"Exactly. So, did this happen to you?" (Bear in mind that his "memoir" starts, bless him, with "I remember the day...")
"Yeah, remember?"
I was like, no. I don't remember.
"Honey, did this really happen to you?"
"We can't write fiction? We can't make up a memory?"
"No. That would be the definition of a memoir."
"Oh. I guess I'll write about my grandfather."

Great day. I love my job. I get paid for this?

:)

SONNNNNNNNNNGS
"stillness is the move" - the dirty projectors
"if you're wondering if i want you to (i want you to)" - weezer

Verizon, death, and destruction

2009-09-29T20:24:00.000-07:00

One time, I wrote that DirecTV was the worst business establishment ever created. I now retract that statement. DirecTV is the second-worst, and Verizon is the worst.

Luckily I wrote it all down in my Hate Log, my diary of terrible things that I hate on.

September 4, 2009
Dear Diary,
Today, the Verizon Agent told me that my installation would happen on September 8, 2009. Yay for internet!

September 8, 2009
Hi Haterz,
Unfortunately but somewhat expectedly, the Verizon Agent never materialized. I called Verizon and they made me feel like an idiot and told me that no one was ever coming, and that I could do the installation on my own. I feel good today and I’m going to eat my feelings and then go for a run.

September 9-24, 2009
Heeeey haterz,
Verizon has called me every day during work. Make it stop. Why are they calling me?

September 25, 2009
Whatup Diary,
Today, I spoke to Mr. Ridiculous Person at Verizon, who told me that my bill wouldn’t be charged because everyone at Verizon is mildly retarded. He didn’t actually use the word retarded, but I could read between the lines. After repeating most of his questions several times, we established that on September 29, 2009, I would have a second Verizon agent report to my house, since apparently this is REQUIRED for installation. Thanks for letting me know, now, after suffering internet-less for 3 weeks.
My favorite line from the entire exchange:
Him: “Wait, so you cannot be there during the day?”
Me: “No. I work. I am employed.”
Him: “Uh…”
Me: “I have a job.”
Him: “So you’re saying you CAN’T be there from 8-12.”
Me: “That is exactly what I’m saying.”

September 28, 2009
HI HATERS,
So, an agent called to confirm with me today. They are definitely sending someone tomorrow. Hurray!

September 29, 2009
Dear motherfucking diary,
I hate Verizon. They suck.
A. No one came.
B. No one called.
C. I called at 5:20 PM
D. I was transferred 4 times. First, they sent me (because of my VA area code) to a VA agent. Who transferred me to a MA agent. Who transferred me to an upper NY agent. Who finally, and enthusiastically, transferred me to a lower Manhattan agent.
E. Great times on hold.
F. Still on hold.
G. An agent picks up. Transfers me to some other Retardment.
H. Enthusiastic agent picks up phone and from sound effects I decide he has dropped the receiver.
I. Call back. Am transferred 29034 times.
J. Finally, speak to someone with a Midwest accent not unlike Bobby’s mom from that cartoon “Bobby’s World.” She pronounces the word “associated” like “assoshiated” which is not a dialectic or accent difference but just plain wrong.
K. G points out that she thinks people can hear what I say when I curse them out once the music starts playing on hold.
L. I get bored and hit the wrong button, causing an automated agent to scream at me for minutes and minutes. I hit the 0 button repeatedly until when I stop, there is a still a long string of abbreviated beeps.
M. FINALLY, success. Reschedule appointment for following day. Time: 6:45 PM.

So, good times with phone companies. www.campkillyourself.com.

SONGS TO DIZZITY
"unsatisfied" - the replacements
"ghosts" - the jam
"airstream driver" - gomez
"substitute" - the who
"the walls come down" - the call
"i want you back" - the discovery
anything by daft punk before now.

child of the bayou

2009-09-29T20:20:00.000-07:00

G has decided that my weird habits are due to the fact that I’m from the mysterious Deep South. She has inexplicably labeled me as a child from the bayou, and relates any and everything I do back to my Creole heritage.
Like this past August. I was really hungry. I’d just gotten back from Panama. She was in Germany. I thought, hey, look at these meal bars. Look at these delightful Special K meal replacement bars that are G’s and that she bought for her long runs. Let me eat them, and I’ll replace them.
Except no, because only Duane Reade carries them, not grocery stores, so lo and behold when G found that her box of meal bars was empty (please, there were only two left) and she found half of one in the freezer, who was blamed? The Bayou. They were REPLACEMENT bars and I had every good intention of replacing them, just as they had done their service in snacking. They weren’t even that good.
“Sometimes, at lunch time, would they take you down to the creek and make you look for your own food?” she asked just now. “Did you disrupt the Bayou ecosystem when you ate all the meal bars?”

I replied that I was hungry and didn’t have time to go to the grocery that week. That was a lie, but I was hungry, just too lazy to go to the grocery that week. I really don’t mean to eat G’s food, it just kind of happens. I forget it’s hers.
And then, G had made a cake this past weekend. I’ll admit, I dropped the knife in it and scarred the icing, and I attempted to make up for it by planting new icing on the top of the cake. But I didn’t melt that icing so it looked like a big glob of cold icing on top of a nice cake.
“The bayou attacked the cake, didn’t it?” G called out from the kitchen.
I meekly responded yes.
About 5 minutes later, G knocked on my door. She held an icing-covered knife in her hand. “I don’t know what they taught you down in the bayou, maybe the alligators cleaned your silverware for you, but up here in New York we have to rinse the silverware before it goes in the dishwasher. This is not one of those magical dishwashers you might be used to, or the ones with little children inside that clean by hand everything that goes in there.”
I was a little frightened by the thought of little children in the dishwasher, but let it slide.
“This will never get clean. I wonder what would happen to you if you lived by yourself. You are like a bayou hurricane.”
I wonder too sometimes what would happen to me.
“Did you sometimes kill the crocodiles and eat them?”
I explained that crocodiles don’t live in Louisiana, only alligators, but that I’ve eaten alligator a number of times.
“Of course they don’t live there anymore. You probably killed them off by eating all their meal bars.”

when the debate team shhhs you

2009-09-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

This morning, I went to brunch with G, A, and J. The morning started something like this:

9:51 AM: Alarm goes off for the 5th time.
9:53 AM: Alarm goes off for the 6th time.
9:54 AM: I call/croak out to G, asking what time we're getting food. G responds to call A.
9:55 AM: Text A and J simultaneously.
9:56 AM: Conference call with A & J, wherein A tells me they would be "more than open" to "procuring brunch" at the Arte Cafe on 73rd. In an hour.

And you wonder why I love 3-day weekends. I worked last night until around 3 in the morning. Mind you, that's getting off early (that's what she said). Sundays are usually days filled with dread and disappointment of the encroaching Monday gloom. However, Sunday Fundays are days reserved for humor, merriment, and general disorder.

G and I met the boys up at the cafe. Everyone except me went for the $12 all-you-can drink deal. I went for the massive coffee deal. Our waitress looked and talked like she had a mild mental issue. She talked at length about her rooster in Williamsburg, about her desire for a black German Shepherd police dog, and bared her teeth when she felt threatened. She would frequently come to our table and shout "READY?!" as if we were participating unknowingly in a game show, or an impromptu acrobatics course. I wondered the whole time, "Ready for what?"

Apparently, for the debate team next to us. It started a few drinks into the all-you-can-drink deal, when A, true to form, whipped out his wackberry to show us a picture of some chick that'd mailed him a naked photo of herself. I say true to form because A is maybe the biggest woman-lover I've ever met. He LOVES women. And women love him. Apparently so much that they mail pictures of themselves to him. This chick, yikes.

Next, we started discussing A's old girlfriend. How possessive she was, especially. We all recalled the time our friend AM had laid her hand upon his chest at a party (upon request, claims A, since he told her to feel the weave of his shirt). No sooner had AM's hand graced A's shirt, then A's ex-girlfriend L went into a tailspin, demanding WHY AM had placed her hand on A's pecs.

Just as G was retelling this story, when she'd gotten to the "AND SHE LAID HER HAND ON HIS SHIRT" (admittedly, she was yelling..I mean it was 4 drinks in), one of the 13-year-old NYC Prep kids next to us went, "Shhhhhh."

Everyone went silent. I rapidly fast-forwarded in my head and wondered if this would be the second restaurant in one month that I would be asked to leave.

G looked shocked. "Did that teenager just SHUSH me?"

We all just stared. G continued her story.

After that point, whenever appropriate, G would raise her voice to make a mental note or announcement to the general public. "I WONDER IF THEY'RE HAVING A SALE AT L.L. BEAN FOR BOOKBAGS FOR HIGH SCHOOL," she'd say in their direction. "I WONDER IF I'LL WIN THE DEBATE TEAM MVP AWARD THIS YEAR!" she'd throw in the general direction of the boy who'd shushed her.

"Are you still going after that kid?" inquired J after about 1/2 hour.
"Shh, let me focus. I'm watching that anorexic kid who shushed me steal fries when no one's looking," replied an absorbed G.

A birthday cupcake came out for another patron. Our high school friends joined in the singing.

"OH, SO IT'S OK TO SING WHEN IT'S A FUCKING BIRTHDAY, JUST NOT TO TELL STORIES?" shouted G to no one in particular. "I GET IT."

When the kids took out their money to pay, G had reached a heckling level, and she inquired openly about their moms, their fashion taste, and their inability to consume alcohol in public.

It was beautiful. As brunch should be. And now we're watching football.

weekday deli & salad pilot

2009-09-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in the Great Move, G uncovered the holy grail of this blog. G uncovered the ORIGINAL Weekday Deli & Salad document, dust-covered and well-worn, and we look forward to plating it in gold and preserving it for posterity. What you are about to read is the combined efforts of G, B, and TJ on a rainy Saturday afternoon as we sat through the most boring class on earth. Now, I am a teacher. But I wouldn’t be that upset if my kids were writing this while I talked.
NB: Scribbled at the top of the paper are the words homily, pescavorous, camelopard, confusion. One can only assume that in our Saturday-school coma, we were attempting to entertain ourselves at any cost.

It was a cold, windy day in southern Manhattan. Two figures wander, searching in vain down Nassau St. for a deli with an operating salad bar. Their stomachs growling, G and B enter the Blarney Stone Grill. No luck.
Then Subway? No, too commercial.
Ah – a block away – the Deli & Salad.
Now, approaching Deli & Salad, our two heroines assumes, rationally, that the humble food station shall provide, first and foremost, deli items and assorted grazing offerings. Upon entrance, we find that the restaurant offers NutriGrain bars, raisins, smoothies. Oh, and a Chinese Buffet. Oh, and also sandwiches (premade) and deli meats and cheeses in every shape and form. What’s missing here? Oh – the salad bar.
Wait, wait. But wasn’t it our young heroines’ intent to obtain salads? And didn’t we enter the Deli & Salad? Surely there must be some confusion. Sure our protagonists have merely entered, “Chinese Buffet, Deli, Grocery, and No Salad.”
Curious, our first young lady, B, poses a query to the middle-aged man behind the Deli counter. Perhaps he knows the whereabouts of the Deli’s other half, since, to be fair, the signs in the immediate 50 ft radius advertise both Deli and Salad.
“Excuse me, do you know where the salad bar is?”
“No salad bar.”
“But, isn’t this ‘Deli & Salad’”?
“Monday through Friday, salad bar.”
“Oh, I see. So really, this is ‘Deli & WEEKDAY Salad,’ right? Isn’t that false advertising?”
“We serve salad Monday through Friday,” responds middle-aged automaton.
“We were lured here by the promise of salad and now are duped!” cries our beloved heroine, dismayed.
“Sorry,” he nods, and stares blankly. Our heroines sigh, and, dejectedly, forage for new fare, selecting soggy and decidedly mediocre sandwiches. Apparently, the Deli half of the Deli/Salad union suffers almost as much as the Salad. “Why not just call it ‘Dunkin’ Donuts’? B mutters. ‘Burger King’?”
Dejected, but not hopeless, the young ladies search the dimly-lit room for a welcoming table. “Surely,” G muses, “Surely there must be a seating area somewhere…spoons? Napkins? Salt packets?”
But, alas, no such area was to be found. Instead, the girls’ eyes landed on a narrow lofted area at the rear of the Deli & Weekday Salad, nee Deli & Salad, building. B, clearly the group’s spokesperson in the endeavor, opts for a small table by the window.
The girls stared at their sandwiches. Sandwiches, salads- it most definitely was NOT all the same. Still, B was famished from her long Friday evening of bartending and body shots. She tore into her sandwich, a morass of second-day mozzarella and peppers, with gusto. G picked more deliberately through her egg salad (really?) sandwich. Both wandered how they had wound up here, so far from the lunch they’d dreamed of. So far from the friends and Pace lunchtime giddiness they knew.
Unsure of what else to do – people watching was an impossibility since evidently the other passersby had gotten the ‘no-salad-on-the-weekends’ memo – they gazed at The Strand bookstore. They made small talk neither truly cared about and waited for something to jolt them out of their funk.
Then, a phone call.
“Where are you?” inquired TJ.
“Still here,” G sighed.
“At the Deli & Salad?” The irony did not go unnoticed and G laughed as she hung up the phone. TJ and another comrade, M, soon arrived to join our heroines, now finished their sandwiches and wholly without purpose.
After some moments of deliberation, the group decided to try their hand at dining in the lofted area. They passed by the navicular, forlorn, sometimes-salad bar, and all thought in silence about what might have been.
As they climbed the stairs – the weird half-stair kind designed to trip the same ignorant people who come to such places looking for fresh salads – they noticed some tables had already been occupied that morning. Four Budweiser Tallboys stood like the calling cards of some over-zealous wino. Like four lone kings of long-forgotten kingdoms, the Budweiser cans guarded a third-world chess board [ugly tile floor]. They were sheathed in paper bags, not unlike the businesswoman on her way to work, wearing her best Diane von Furstenburg dress to mask her hangover and the ills within.
The four tacitly considered the beer cans for a moment. Surely they must belong to someone. Would their owner(s) return to claim their belongings, much as a dog returns to its vomit? The four could not conceive of someone leaving so precious a booty in a prestigious establishment such as the Deli-Sans-Salad. And so they continued. Above the flotsam and jetsam of General Tso’s chicken & egg rolls, from their camolepardeon vantage point.
After dismissing the perplexing situation with a giggle, our two heroines sat down to observe the eating rituals of their two friends. Not quite satisfied by her meager assortment of day-old meats and cheeses, B stared covetously at TJ’s pureed eggplant and chickpeas. TJ generously offered his babaganoush to compliment his vignettes about his affinity for tacos and aversion to people suffering from lactose intolerance. B, G, and TJ continued their luncheon conversation by unbosoming their best teaching practices to M as the owner of the King of Beers gracefully returned to his beverages.
The conversation quickly turns from academics to politics.
“I’m having trouble convincing my students not to begin their essays by explicitly stating what they’re going to talk about,” begins G.
B quickly links this pedagogical practice to our nation’s past fearless leader. “It reminds me of the speeches delivered by George Bush.”
“Perhaps he is given sentence starters to write his speeches,” TJ suggests. Mentioning this to our students much be an effective way to eschew this practice, since they hate Bush so much.
“What about Bubba?” interjects a voice in the distance.
“I’m sorry?” responds B, absently.
“Bubba,” the King of Beers repeats, as if the problem was in hearing and not in comprehension.
“Barbara? Like his wife? Are you implying that she writes his speeches?”
“No, Bubba.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with Bubba,” admits B.
“Nevermind, I’m just the drunk guy,” concedes the Drunk King of Beers, honestly.
“You ate the salad, didn’t you,” accuses B. “You ate the salad, and that’s why you’re talking all weird like that, and that’s why they took it away on weekends. We can thank YOU for Deli & Weekday Salad, you son of a bitch.”
The motley crew upstairs erupts into laughter. Our protagonists, laughing also, yet oddly dazed and slightly displaced from the political homily from Mr. Beer (and its ramifications), leaves the site of their feast and brainfuck foreplay.

survivor: boxcar children edition

2009-09-05T18:50:00.000-07:00

Oh, the joy of the move. I moved recently. Recently means like, 2 days ago. Let me recount for you some of the glorious things that happened. Just now, I built a bookshelf. A five-shelf motherfucker that we purchased at Target that was on sale for $26 because, as luck would have it, it is a piece of crap. Shocker. I built that bookshelf and it stood up, then promptly looked like the leaning tower of Broome Street. So then I dismantled it. And now it's fucked. And our books are scattered haphazardly all over the floor now. Literacy exploded in my living room. I am disgusted.

Earlier this week, back at the old apartment, G texted me when she was coming home from Indiana that I had better be ready to move by the time we set. I asked her what we should start packing with, and she said trash bags. Trash bags. I started laughing, and G went, "the amount you're laughing now is directly proportional to the amount of anger I'm going to have in about 5 hours when I get home." Inversely. She meant inversely proportional, because I was laughing a lot and she was real serious.

I began cleaning my room, something that has not really happened, like REALLY happened, in about 2 years. This is not because I am not clean, but merely because a vacuum cleaner, I don't think, would've fit in my last room. That would definitely have been pushing it. Just so no one thinks I'm disgusting, I want to point out that the rest of my room was clean, and I am clean; it's just that under my bed was stupidly not clean. I don't understand how. It was completely inexplicable to me. Exploring underneath my bed was something comparable to maneuvering the jungles of ‘nam.

So, that being said, of note is the fact that underneath all this crap I found $1013 underneath my bed. Not in change. Not a joke. I found a check for $1013 and a copy of The Paris Review underneath my bed. I almost threw away that envelope. Sure glad I didn't. Incidentally, I had already written a strongly-worded letter to the company that issued said check to me proclaiming that I had not received said check and that I was highly upset. So imagine my delight when I got to come out of my room exclaiming, "Hey! I just found $1000!" and the moving man who didn't speak English all of a sudden lit up like I’d shown him a golden baby.

The moving men were very enthusiastic, especially after I found the $1000. I think they thought we were going to tip them with it. But we didn't. Mostly because the poor guys took like a bajillion hours.

G shared with me that her experience in watching me move has really elucidated to her my knack for saving things. She was amazed at the amount of stuff I have but also at how I store it all away and have a method to my madness. My packing style is nonexistant, kind of like my money-managing, and my style is the homey variety..I call it “cozy.” Some might call it “cluttered,” but I think it boils down to a space issue. I am no packrat. But let’s be real, I have a LOT of shit.

If you've ever read the popular early reading series, The Boxcar Children, you might understand me a little more. That is because I don't just save crap; I save fucking survival crap. I could live in the wild. I save things that, if forced to live off of my own guts and courage and wit, would save me. Things like spare bobby pins that I keep on the floor. If a bobby pin falls, I let it sit there, because who knows when you'll need it again? Who knows when you’ll have a stray hair, or a lock to pick? G commented on that in particular when we found about 239408 bobby pins on my floor as we covered the area in our hazmat suits. "It's like, that's the thing. Anyone can accumulate dust. But you let things just...sit there. I bet you watched that pin fall, and you were like, 'Oh. There it goes.' and you let it fall. Knowing that, somewhere down the line, you were gonna need a bobby pin and you were gonna pick that shit up." Let the records show that G is totally and completely on the ball. True to form, this morning, when I needed a bobby pin, I immediately looked down at the ground, forgetting my new clean start. I have a dish now of pins on my windowsill. I'm not used to it. It's not gritty enough for me.

I bet that if you threw me out on the street I could make a bed of pine needles and eat bread and milk like those kids. I would fucking dominate. G and I debated for awhile about what the boxcar children actually did besides live in boxcars of old trains. They were orphans, for sure. Did they solve mysteries? I think they solved mysteries. I was so inspired by the boxcar children that, I swear, survival games were the only things I played as a kid. I don't know if it was an only child thing, but I knocked that game out of the park. My parents would call me in for dinner and I'd be stalking in the bushes and the ferns in my backyard, just hanging out, waiting for my next door neighbor to come out onto his porch so I could spy on him, living in his house, not surviving in the wild like me. Secretly, I knew he was jealous of my survival skills, even though he had no clue that I was just lingering out in the foliage. I used to steal food from my pantry and hide it in tree holes in the oak in our backyard and retrieve it later. My dad would go up there to cut branches and call out, "L! Someone's hiding shit in our tree again! I told you I didn't eat the Snackwell's!"

I also made all my friends growing up playing survivor games with me so that they too would be able to survive in the wild should natural disaster or immediate orphanage happen to them. This served the sole purpose of ensuring that I wouldn't be alone (the boxcar children were never alone). Upon arriving at my house for a playdate in the third grade, you could typically expect to camp out in the azalea bush for about 4 hours and pretend to be stranded there, watching my mom through the glass door. "We'll probably have to eat this monkey grass to survive," I'd remark, noting the dark green grass sprouting around me. "It's not poisonous or contaminated with pesticides. Or better yet, we can use that to make our sleeping area, and eat the wild onions growing in the northern corner."

"Why does B spend so much time outside?" my mom would question sometimes.

"It's healthy for a kid to want to be outside." my dad would explain.

"But she's out there all day. It's freezing outside. She refused to wear a jacket. She said she was going to see how long she'd last."

That was when I tested my resistance to hypothermia.

The only book I ever plagiarized was a lavender installment of The Boxcar Children series. I did it in the second grade. The teacher said to write a summary of a book we'd read, and then she didn't demonstrate how, and I remember looking around at all those fools writing things from their heads and thinking, shit. I'm going to just copy this convenient summary on the back of this here book. And so I did. And I remember my teacher, well, it wasn't really MY teacher it was the OTHER second grade teacher, Ms. K, who pulled me aside quietly before lunch and shared with me that should I ever do such a thing again I would promptly go to jail, second grade or not. She did not explain why but used many enthusiastic hand gestures and terrifying expressions like "copyright law" and "infringement" and other nasty words. I was too scared to eat that day and instead cried on the jungle gym. That was the day I decided I would fend for myself. I became a boxcar child as homage to the [imaginary] kids I'd ripped off.

SONGS to DIZ:

"drive" cover - deftones (it's a cars cover which means it will move in steeeereo)

"surf wax america"- weezer (remember that from high school?)

"your legs grow" AND "popular" - nada surf (ditto)

"stillness is the move" - the dirty projectors

"the end of medicine" - new pornographers

"ducks" - built by animals

you only live once - the strokes

where did all the dead birds go?

2009-06-14T08:08:00.000-07:00

Last night, as we stared at the Empire State Building from the window of a cab, I began to wonder why it was lit up in green, yellow, and blue. So, being the technological wiz that I am, I googled it. Did you know there was an entire website dedicated ONLY to the Empire State Building's colors? We learned that the Empire State Building changes colors NOT ONLY for Independence Day, but also for Caribbean Week (blue, yellow, and green), National Muslim Voices Day (green, green, green), Asia Week (also, green green green), and the Westminster Dog Show (purple and yellow). In fact, it's gone from changing colors a few times a year to changing colors regularly. People must line up to promote their event/nationality/thesis topic via ESB colors.

A note at the bottom of the page did mention that the lights were turned off completely from the 86th floor up during periods of "high bird migration."

So, G has been wondering now for something close to two months (I mean, the question initially started in Panama, when we saw what looked to be a dead vulture on the ground) where birds go when they die. If you think about it, it really is a perplexing question, some would say even a conundrum, given that there must be a bajillion birds in just New York alone and yet we don't see more than one or two in a given month. That sounds like the start of a children's book, right? Where Did All the Dead Birds Go and other questions. Right. When we conducted a highly scientific survey of "Who Has Seen Dead Birds Lately?" in the cab last night, I was the only one who'd seen a dead bird within the month (I lucked out and saw one two days ago on the way to work - a pigeon tragically face-up with its little pigeon feet curled up, in a puddle). K had seen one, she didn't remember where, but she knew she'd seen it. M had seen one too, in a situation similar to K:

"I think I saw one, like right outside my apartment," shared M.
"When?" asked G.
"Like, two weeks ago?"
"That was two weeks ago. That is ONE."

We started positing theories as to why birds weren't laying dead all over the place. M proposed that maybe their rate of decay is much quicker as they're "exposed to the elements," elements naturally including the NY rat population. G shut this one down, citing the fact that she was not searching for answers about avian body mass but instead avian resting places.

I said that I thought the street cleaners got them all in the magic of the dawn.

"G, have you ever been up at 4:30 AM?"
"Yes."
"Lately? In NY?"
"Ok, no..."
"So there you go. You just don't see them. But they're there, and I bet if you asked them, they clean up the birds. Millions of them."

M and K concurred with me about the street cleaners, but G wasn't convinced. M asked G if she wanted to contract avian flu, and when G adamantly denied this, M reasoned that the street cleaners were simply doing their jobs SO WELL that G should be thankful instead of skeptical.

"I think they probably go to the park and die there," suggested K.
"THAT'S WHAT I THINK TOO!" exclaimed G.

So, we all eventually agreed that the real reason no one sees dead birds, at least in NY, is because they all sense they're dying with their little birdie sixth senses and head to the park to die. That made us all a little sad, albeit a little impressed with this avian preemptive action regarding death.

M - "Kinda like cats."
Me - "Kinda like old ladies, right? Or old ladies with cats?"
K - "No, the cats just eat their faces, that's the thing."
Me - "Oh, gross."
K - "Yeah. Remember that "Sex and the City" episode where Carrie is scared she's going to get old and the cats are going to eat her?"
Me - "No."

G noted that even though she wasn't fully convinced, it would be rather hellish for there to be dead birds lining the street every day. This got us back on our delightful dinner conversation track about what designer hell would look like. What is designer hell, you may ask? Well. Designer hell is the term for your own personal hell. Designer here does not carry connotations of happiness and priciness. It does continue to promote exact fit.

For example, K's designer hell includes the state of Virginia (she hates it, especially Charlottesville), retail (especially working the floor), dead birds (see above paragraphs), and making out with Spencer Pratt. We learned this all piece-by-piece over Brazilian food. Which, of course, led to countless would-you-rathers.

"So, would you rather live in Virginia, or work in retail?"
Virginia, but not Charlottesville.

"Live in Virginia, selling retail, or make out with Spencer Pratt for the rest of your life?"
Live in Virginia, selling retail; that deal becomes a little hairier when it is complicated with "at the Roanoke Mall" or "at the Charlottesville shopping complex."

the door said push so i pulled it

2009-06-02T18:41:00.000-07:00

Just now, G found the remnants of my Chipotle dinner in the freezer. Let's just say it was a cup with barely any ice in it. I remember my rationale had involved the fact that we had no ice, no ice tray to speak of, and I wanted to make sure I would have ice in the future. So I froze my ice chips.

Just now G opened the freezer door as I was typing away on my computer on the couch. She began talking without looking at me.

"I understand that you're Southern and you have eccentricities. But I can't use that to figure out what would cause you to save a near-empty Chipotle soda cup in the freezer for nearly two weeks. That's just weird."

I explained but I just started laughing too hard. I'm totally that girl right now. I am the girl who:

1. puts her Chipotle cups with no drink, no real ice, in the freezer. I think the ice evaporated; is that possible? I swear there was ice in there.
2. hangs the meter-reader letter from Con-Ed on the fridge, because that letter is gonna call Con-Ed itself, lemme tell you what. 4 months and counting.
3. engaged in conversation with the guys sitting next to us two nights ago and adamantly denied the fact that "The Netherlands" was a country. Jesus Christ. Did I mention that the only pen pal I've ever had was from the freaking Netherlands?*

*I self-corrected eventually, before I lost a bet, and realized I was grouping countries like how they do with Scandanavia. The Netherlands, albeit phonologically plural, is not plural. The Netherlands' capital is Amsterdam. 99.9% of people know this, and the .01% include me and those idiots they interview on Jay Leno.

my pal sal

2009-05-31T16:37:00.001-07:00

I've written a couple of entries about karma. I feel like, in life, you kind of accrue or lose karma like you would credit. Like a life AmEx. I think I'm generally a good person, or at least a person with good intentions, and that probably explains my good fortune in meeting Sal.

The other night, I was at band practice in Williamsburg. Go ahead and make all the irrelevant comments you want about hipsters in the 'Burg, because these guys are nice guys and play sick music and when they're famous, you're gonna be all "Oh, well B wrote about them and sang back-up for them!" and I'm gonna be like, "Yeah, suck it."

So, like I was saying, I was on the other side of the East River. That is where I found myself late last Tuesday. Typically, I'd walk to the subway, but let's be real. It was 11 PM, on a Tuesday, it was misting outside, I'd had a glass of wine, I was tired, did I mention it was misting, the subway seemed like it was miles away [6 blocks], etc.
Therefore, I opted to take a cab.

I walked to Metropolitan Ave., which is about a block from what I call "the performance space." First stroke of luck: a cab appeared. Right away.
My face fell as I realized the "Off Duty" light was on.
Let me tell you a little something about NYC cabs that I didn't get until I'd lived here. First, don't hail the black gypsy cabs, because those are silly. Second, only hail cabs that have their lights on. Third, if the off-duty light is on, there's like a 5% chance you'll get picked up (and those chances plummet when you're alone, in Brooklyn, in the rain, at 11 PM).

But you know what? He stopped. And I looked at the guy, and I sized him up to see who this dude was that not only stopped, but stopped for me when he was off-duty. I mean I didn't look that good. I looked like I was going to go join the army - I had on some big cargo coat, a hat, some boots, it was a big mess. G.I. Jane in Williamsburg.

I jumped in the cab and said thanks, then told him where I was going (right across the bridge). He said I was welcome, and then delved immediately into Chinese astrology. Oh yes, that's right, Chinese astrology. Do you know about Chinese astrology? Let me tell you about Chinese astrology.In case you can't read that, go here: http://www.kkdiscount.com/astrology.htm

So, basically, depending on the year in which you were born, you have a sign. My sign happens to be the rat. I'm not really a fan of the animal choices here. The only pretty ones are the horse, and why have a pig AND a boar? Ok and the rabbit is kind of cute. The dragon is straight-up fictional. Now that I'm looking at it, the dog is cool too. Maybe the monkey. I realize that these were animals (are the animals?) most relevant to Chinese culture. I do. I get that. But who wants to be a rat?

Apparently, Sal. My cab driver. Or, more specifically, he wants to be with a rat. And that rat was me.

Sal proceeded to tell me all about my sign as if his cab was a tarot card booth. He told me that I'm hard-headed and quick-thinking, and that I need to know things right away. He also told me other vast amounts of remarkably vague information that could apply to absolutely anything. He took about 5 minutes, or as long as it took us to get to the Williamsburg Bridge, entertaining me with his knowledge of the Chinese Zodiac that he essentially regurgitated from a book that he kept on his dashboard.

I've never had a problem talking. Not in my life. In fact, I get told I talk too much. I now know what that must feel like - to be talked TO too much.

Sal then directed the conversation to his favorite topic other than me: himself. Did I know Sal had earned 3 degrees in Pakistan? No. Did I know he was FROM Pakistan? Well, now that you mention it, that makes sense since you earned 3 degrees there. Did you say you were trying to transfer your credits so you could go to Columbia journalism school, Sal? This guy was incredible. He was also a model in Pakistan. I had hit the proverbial jackpot. I mean this, not even a little bit sarcastically. I had a good-looking, smart, exotic man driving my car. Fate and karma were already on our side. He had extensive knowledge of the Chinese zodiac and pretty much knew me before he knew me. Crazy right. I have enough trouble getting guys who DO know me to know me, and Sal, well, he knew me right off the bat.

Deep thought: WTF does that expression even mean, right off the bat? It sounds abusive.

So, 12 minutes and much karma-related talk later, Sal arrived at my front door. He shared with me that tripling our cosmic connection was the fact that he wasn't even supposed to DRIVE that night, he had simply taken over the shift for his buddy. So basically, he was fatedly fated to meet me. That, my friends, is called serendipity. Also, he knew we were meant to be because the only other person he'd felt this strongly about was his cousin, who he dated, who now resides in Canada. He explained to me that this was acceptable in his religion, which I took at his word. Yet I felt a little strange that he compared me to his cousin that he made out with.

Sal told me he felt sad that he'd gained weight since coming to America, but he knew that, as a rat, I'd understand him, since he was a pig. I tried not to laugh at the double entendre. He was positive he'd re-assume his model good looks in no time (not gonna lie, he was attractive even so, just super creepy). I felt bad thinking he was creepy, though, until he started telling me more about myself and the types of relationships I was in. I lied and said I was in one, and of course Sal told me that I was incompatible with a tiger. Dique a tiger. WTF. If Sal really KNEW me, he'd know I was lying, but is that gonna hurt my karma? Is karma like a credit score?

I eventually let Sal breathe and put down his Chinese zodiac guidebook when I stopped his incessant talking to let him know I had to get out of the car. He looked forlorn and asked if I wanted to be his facebook friend. I did hesitate, and I think that earned me at least 3 karma points. I did not, however, accept. Because that would suck me into the karma vortex and no one needs that. I have enough weird things happen to me.

Last night, the guy that drove me home told me the smile on my face would bring me good karma. Good enough.

SONGS to dizownload:

"Sink Into Me" - Taking Back Sunday (angry music, maybe. a little softer than they used to be? sure, but so is George Clooney, and he's still smokin')

"Girlfriend" - Phoenix (off the new album, siiiiiiick)

"Boys In the Hood" - Dynamite Hack (hysterical)

when it sounds like the world is falling, part deux

2009-05-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

"Oh Jesus."
That, my friends, is the sound of G, my roommate, exclaiming. Usually characters in stories exclaim something, but no, G was just exclaiming. At what, you may ask? At the world falling.

See, the shoe rack phenomenon has infected the whole apartment now, to the extent that every and anything is falling apart before our very eyes.

Today, I came home to a toilet that was blatantly refusing to cooperate. I know that's kind of gross to write about, you know, toilets, but that kind of stuff happens in life, and this is my life. It wasn't gross stuff happening, but it was obnoxious. Especially obnoxious because my realty company cum super can't function at a very basic level.

Let me walk you through a conversation with my Super. We will not call him Super man. We won't even call him Super. His name is Ivan. Every time I call him or interact with him, like when he yells at us to recycle (and I'm not hating on the environment, I do recycle, but I hate that he yells at us when we're clearly downstairs, sorting our trash), Ivant to throw up.

Conversation
Scene 1: B, dialing number. Waits.
Picks up on other end: "This phone number has been disconnected..."

Wasn't that great? I felt twice as good. The next logical step was to call G and hear her exclaim. Then, I called our realty management company. The one that you can't find listed ANYWHERE, because don't worry, I don't think they're legal or legit. I also think they are still adding random stupid amounts onto our bills. All of which also make me vant to throw up. Ivant to throw up right now.

I called the realty company and left a very forceful message. I am not good at being mean, and I honestly believe that you get more bees with honey than with vinegar, but these people are pretty ridiculous. Then G called, and she said she would continue calling every hour on the hour until they picked up. I should note that we both dialed the "Emergencies only" extension, which turned out to simply waste MORE time and forward us to a different recording with the same voice that merely promised us more urgently that we'd receive a response "as soon as [dique] possible." That's probably 238947230 dog years to the idiots that run my apartment building.

So, fearful our toilet is going to flood the apartment, I finished a whole book. Those statements do not logically relate at all, but nothing else of note happened during that time.

You're probably thinking, well, so what sounds like the world's falling? I'll tell you. Shortly after G arrived home and called the realty company (as promised), and even more shortly after we finally established contact with Ivan (who apparently has his phone set up to give that wack recording), and shortly after our upstairs neighbors put a note under our door asking us if we wanted to share our internet connection with them, we heard a mighty crash from the bathroom. The shower curtain fell. Just clean fell off the wall. I should mention it also fell while I was on the phone with G earlier that day, but those things generally happen to me when I'm by myself so I wrote it off. But this time, it happened with G too, which means it technically also happened TO G.

Picture this: me and G, struggling, me semi-standing, semi-falling into the bathtub, attempting to replace the shower curtain. It magically appears to not fit anymore or to wedge into either side of the bathroom walls. It's now too small. It won't extend. G deems it "rotten." I laugh so hard I think I'm going to pee in my pants, which is a veritable impossibility without unfortunate outcomes seeing as how our toilet no es bueno. I get my camera to take pictures of the sad shower curtain, and our arms ache from trying to hang it. We are both trying in vain to figure out how it just "happened." We decide to blame it on the realty company.

:)

DOWNLOAD:
"Girlfriend" - Phoenix (off the new album)
Anything by Drake (remember Jimmy from Degrassi??)
"She is Love" - Parachute (they played a benefit concert for me when I was a senior in college, on top of a tiny hill. The guys are really nice, and they've got a good sound!)
"Sour Cherry" - The Kills
"Laundry" - Say Hi
"A Town Called Malice" - The Jam

seeing stars

2009-05-17T16:51:00.000-07:00

Oh hey internet faces, what's going on?

I'm sitting here, on your average Sunday afternoon. Here's the state of the union in the world today:

1. We are still facing a huge economic recession. Thumbs down.
2. That economic recession has made for great jokes on SNL lately. Thumbs up.
3. I got another tattoo yesterday. Thumbs up.
4. I just ate a really good sandwich. Thumbs up.
5. I joined a band. Thumbs up.

So, overall, despite the recession, we have 80% thumbs up, which is not awesome, but not not-awesome, so there you have it. I'd call 80% an average I'm comfortable with, but it's no ivy league. So, economy, sack up and get out of that recession, gimme some bucks.

Moving on to bigger and better things:
My friend R and I were talking this past week, a remarkably rainy week in May, I should add, and we came to the conclusion that we were both ready to shake things up a little bit. The conversation went a little like this:

R - "I think I'm going to pierce my nose."
Me - "I think that would be cool."
R - "Really?"
Me - "Yeah. I'll go with you, I could use something myself." (read: this is blatantly false).

So, what started as a random throw-in and a bit of nostril nostalgia (R apparently sneezed her last nose piercing out during a camping trip and that baby closed up in a mere 48 hours. She has a crazy fast immune system...those T cells are on overdrive man) turned into what is now a new tattoo on my wrist-ish/hand area.

I have been drawing stars on myself for the last 2 years. I can't really ever get mad at students or penalize them for drawing on themselves, because...well let's be serious. I am a walking easel.

Anyway, so lately, the doodles have taken the form of three stars on my left wrist that reach up to the hand. Back in the day when I was kicked in the hands by a horse and became mildly ambidextrous as a result of only having slight mobility in my left hand, I probably could've drawn it on my right wrist, but those days are gone. On Saturday, R and I decided that we would make those estrellas permanente, and like that - it was written.

We traveled many streets to ye humble tattoo parlor right next to the IFC theater. Let me tell you, ever since my go-to place, Andromeda, closed down - I thought for sure I'd never get another body art addition. Let the records show that is a falsehood. This new place (well, new to me) is conveniently located amidst many falafel shops and subway lines. And those people are crazy. The girl in charge was actually pretty funny; she entertained me and R with stories of how you can get a piercing in your cheek (they anchor it with jewelry that lives in your dermis), how much it hurts to get an unnecessarily large Chinese symbol tattooed on your hip when your jeans a little too tight, and shared her thoughts on nipple piercing). The highlight of the place was probably this G.I. who, when we strolled in, was 2 hours into a 3-hour masterpiece, which included but was not limited to:

a rainbow extending from his left hip to his right groinish area
a leprechaun in said rainbow, or adjacent to it, anyway, smiling and drawn to look like the tattoo artist
two shotguns with "God" written in them
Ron Jeremy
Ron Jeremy's signature

I don't know what inspired this collection, but the artist claimed it was half-inspired by him. Guess which half was his idea.

First we got to watch R get her nose pierced. It was nuts. I've never seen that happen in person. They put a cork in your nose, push a needle through, and that shit's done. No redness, no bleeding - our bodies are crazy things.

Then, it was my turn. I was surprised that it didn't really hurt (well, that's a lie - the last one did, because he's drawn the stencil and then filled it in once it had gotten a little sore). But my artist - a guy who, no lie, was named Marty McFly, and looked just a little like Michael J. Fox - talked my ear off the whole time, per my request, so it was fine. The guy next to me drank 3 Nesteas in the time it took me to get my wrist inked up. 3 Nesteas in 15 minutes - that's a tea every 5 minutes. I'm surprised he didn't wee wee over the moon, to quote my grandfather.

that's my jam

2009-03-29T17:15:00.000-07:00

Hey troops - what's up.

It's been awhile, and that's because my life has been either A) busy or B) boring. Never in between. I have anxiety attacks when it's too busy or too boring and the lack of balance is making me a little crazy. That, or I'm ready for Spring Break. Where I am going for my 11th consecutive SB, you may ask? Yes, that's right, I've had one of those since the first year of high school because I've essentially never left middle school [at least, mentally]. I'm going to Panama, bitches. Like the Van Halen songs. Like the hats. Like Panama Jack. Is that a sunglasses company? Do you care?

Anyway - since anyway is my favorite transition - let's talk about what happened on Friday last. My awesome student teacher, who's been with me for a month, presented me with some really great jam that she'd bought at the Union Square market. It was a really thoughtful gift, and I really like jam, and I never buy it, so I was pretty psyched. Given that I possess little to no coordination, you can imagine the ridiculous amount of time and energy I spent opening the package. In my defense, it was superglued like a mother.

I took approximately 10 minutes opening the damn thing and spent about 2 seconds placing it back in the box and watching it crash through the [unopened] box bottom and exploding on the ground.

In case you were wondering, this is what tragedy looks like: Luckily, a willing bystander was there to capture it on film. Notice the similarity to "The Blob," featured in such horror classics as "The Blob" (1958) and "The Blob" (1988). Did you know Steve McQueen was in the original? I didn't either until just now.

Check it out for yourselves.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gP-KzJbKR_o (1958 version, duh).

That's not quite what happened. But close.

what wham, the a-team theme song, and your mom all have in common

2009-03-03T19:21:00.000-08:00

What DO they all have in common, you may ask?

Let's take a step back.
Say, this is your last question.
You are one question away from winning $5,000,000.
How did you do it?
A. Cheated
B. Knew the answers.
C. Watched American Idol.
D. It is written.

Ok, give up? It's C.
And what's the answer? What DO Wham!, the A-Team theme song, and your mom all have in common? "Things you don't do on the show."

G and I were watching it tonight. I'll admit, I'm kind of a book kid through-and-through, even though I've been sucked into "The Office," and, for awhile there, "Entourage." And yes, "The City." Although that doesn't really count, because I watch that when I have time, online...which might actually make me lamer.

Ok, ok, and "The Cosby Show." I admit it. I love it, I grew up on it, it's hysterical, don't get me started on the jelly-in-the-blender-Peter-clotheshamper episode, or my run-on sentences.

I digress. As G and I were watching this rare moment of televisional (televisionary?) glory, this hour of pure karaoke madness, I realized, in what is possibly the purest moment of human arrogance since Gore claimed he invented the internet, that I could do this shit and I could do it WELL. Well, maybe not as good as G, but pretty stupidly good.

That being said, here's a list that G and I compiled of things that would FLOOR the judges. We plan to audition for 2010, make it to the top 36 at least, and then whip one of these out.

In no particular order:

1. "For my selection, I'm going to just hum the 'A-Team' theme."

2. G thought it would be funny to refuse to continue competing unless we could duet.

3. The popcorn dance that crazy gym teachers made you do in middle school. No, seriously - the one that was to weird space percussion, da-da-da-da-da-da-da, da-da-DA-da-da-da-da, you know? And you hopped on one foot, like a tweaked-out hokey pokey, then another, then you did a weird version of the Cotton-eyed-Joe, oh God. It was strange. But I remember it. And I taught it to my kids.

4. There's this guy, I forget his name, but he plays piano. He has this one song, it's called like, 3:12, or some time amount, but he just sits, at the piano, for that many minutes and seconds. That's it. If you did that you could definitely punk Simon.

5. "The Electric Slide" (preferably the dance and the vocals).

6. A theme song by Danny Elfman.

7. A solo rendition of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light," preferably with commentary in the bridge just like Meatloaf does it, and the baseball-nailage analogizing.

8. Just in case you couldn't tell we're being sarcastic yet, anything by: MJ (unless you're as hot and talented as David Cook, and that's been done now too, so no), Sting/The Police, or someone(s) equally eminent and awesome and impossible to imitate and justify with your pathetic attempts.

We also decided there were some songs that were clear winners. You are not allowed to steal these and sing them yourself:

1. "Tempted by the Fruit of Another" by Squeeze, but only if you can do that awesome guttural throat thing he's got going on at the end, when he goes "Ohhhh tempted, by the fruit, of another..." (Squeeze apparently lacks phonological awareness).

2. "Happiness Is a Warm Gun" by the Beatles, off the White Album. DONE.

3. "Son of a Preacher Man," Dusty Springfield. Also DONE.

4. "Somebody to Love" by Queen.

5. A really, really, really awesome version of anything by corporate rock band Kansas. We over here in Apt 3D think you should lean toward "Dust in the Wind," but people might leer at you and deem you unoriginal. Thus, we suggest you go crazy with "Point of No Return." No one has such a wide spectrum of enthusiasm in such a short career as Kansas.

6. Things that sounded good in '80s that you could easily dominate. Example: "Bette Davis Eyes," Kim Carnes.

7. "She's Gone," Hall and Oates (you'd have to be really soulful, though, so if you don't have that in you...forget it, you're done).

8. "Hole in my Soul" by Aerosmith. See, with bands like Aerosmith, that are undeniably great but A) went through some major drug years where things sound the same for a loooong time or B) have been around so long that multiple generations admire their works, but for the same reasons; you're ok. Because, while MJ has been around forever, he A) he doesn't look like the same person and B) he continually reinvents himself musically. He could release an album of just him in the restroom ("Michael Jackson presents: Bathroom Sounds") and people would probably flock to Virgin to buy that shit (no pun intended). Aerosmith, however, has a million songs that all sound a liiiiiittle bit like "Pink," or "Crazy." They're a band where people hear them and say, "Hey, isn't this...Cryin'?" and you're like, no, it's the one with Alicia Silverstone in the video, and then the person's like, Oh, right, and Liv Tyler, right? and they're stripping? and then you're all arguing if it's "Crazy" or "Cryin'" or the one in "Armageddon," etc.

Anyway, bands like Aerosmith are totally different from bands like The Police because you can individualize the songs and kill it on national television. Comparable: Bon Jovi, Guns & Roses [so long as you don't fantasize you're Axl or attempt to wear a bandanna].

If we had to do a Frayer model, non-examples would include Springsteen or The Who. You have to be really careful. See, Springsteen may sound the same, but he's an untouchable. No one really sings "Glory Days" like The Boss, and you shouldn't try. Again, David Cook, exception. He's like a boot verb.

Words I Made Up During This Post:
-Analogizing
-Televisionary
-Televisional
-Nailage

Songs I Enjoy:
"Rich Girl (remix)" - Young Gunz
"I Could Never Be Your Woman" - White Town
"Jamie" - Weezer
"Goodbye Stranger" - Supertramp
"Everyday People" - Sly & the Family Stone
"You're All I Need to Get By" - Marvin Gaye

this is also funny

2009-03-01T19:31:00.000-08:00

G was "deficient" for her MA, so she has to take this course during the year while the rest of us are all graduates.

What follows is her manifesto.

Contemporary Global Literature
February 5, 2009

A Recommended Approach to Publishing Internet Photos

Each day our society grows increasingly global. In past societies, an individual could remain in his or her own culture for the duration of a lifetime, without expanding or changing perspectives. Yet, as the developing ties between cultures grow more and more intricate, individuals become true international citizens. Their lives contribute to a global landscape.
We achieved such interrelatedness primarily through the internet. Anyone can find information about his or her global neighbor with several quick keystrokes. People divulge and ascertain personal details of the lives of others at rapid speed. In consequence, each individual must carefully monitor his or her self-representation in the digital age. This is particularly crucial in the realm of digital photography. When individuals create and publish their personal photo albums through email and social networks such as Facebook, they should take care to follow these five requisites:
I. Expect family members and potential employers to view your pictures.
II. Avoid posting photos where you are clearly attempting to appear alluring.
III. Do not use pictures as a chance to impress others.
IV. Avoid repeating unique outfits in photos.
V. Do not write captions unless you are secure in your wit and it has been validated by witty friends

I. Expect family members and potential employers to view your pictures.

The internet is vast and measureless. It follows that a vast and measureless public peruses it for information and entertainment. As such, it is plausible – even likely – that your internet photos will be viewed by parties whom you do not anticipate.
Families love their members. They will be on the lookout for any and all data pertaining to their whereabouts and well-being. This includes photos where children, nieces and nephews dance inappropriately, drink heavily, or stay out past curfew. Some of the most skilled of internet photo-fiends derived methods of maintaining online communication while hiding these compromising photos from family members through second screen names or private albums. These individuals are the few and skilled. Most do better to merely avoid posting any photos they do not wish Aunt Laurie or Gramps to see.
Today’s employers have the capacity to be infinitely choosy in selecting new workers. They may be less than inspired by an applicant whose photos albums include “Boozing with my Boys” and “Crunked in Cancun!” The ancients followed the adage, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Today’s dress code extends into the World Wide Web. Frequently employers will scour the internet to recruit or find background information on applicants. One must put his or her best foot forward at all times by posting only the most respectable and demure photos of him or herself as an eager and motivated intellectual. To achieve this goal, you may include an album consisting solely of photos of yourself holding your favorite Russian novels. Or you may wish to volunteer at an animal shelter for an afternoon to document your kind heart. At the very least, you must either wear glasses or stand near a recognizable monument in several of your photos.

II. Avoid posting photos where you are clearly attempting to appear alluring.
In today’s global society, the beautiful people are omnipresent. One might see these Adonises and Aphrodites in the media, in movies, or through social networking sites. They appear to remind us that there will always be those whose hair is a bit shinier, or whose sneakers match their outfits a bit more than our own.
As such, any attempts to impress the global community with “alluring” photos of oneself are futile. For every kissy-face picture one publishes online, dozens of photos exist where people merely stand nonchalantly – and look better. The vast majority cannot successfully exude cyber-appeal, and their chances decrease significantly when they attempt to do so. When a picture is posted of an individual, and it is apparent that his or her intention is to overwhelm the viewer with an image of shocking good-looks, it contrasts the millions of other images of true and casual beauty. To avoid looking like you are treading beauty water, take care to include multiple photos of yourself with your ponytail falling out or shirttails untucked along with the more glamorous ones. This will signify your acceptance of your imperfect appearance and elicit empathy from your viewer.
Furthermore, and to breach a peripheral yet related topic, labeling oneself as “sexy” or “hottie” in an internet handle is merely challenging the world to find his or her flaws. If you cannot eliminate those thoughts completely from your head, at least eliminate them from your internet moniker.

III. Do not use pictures as a chance to impress others.
Frequently internet photo-posters’ desire to keep up with the Jones’ leads them to publish albums intended to impress the audience with how much fun they can have, or how impressive they are. They nearly always fail in this endeavor.
Truly impressive and fun people, in other texts referred to as “the ancients”, made little note of how impressive and fun they were. They simply went about their own lives as if life was meant to be lived and not blogged. While in our society this is no longer the case, one should still follow the lead of these poised individuals by not using the internet as a bragging ground. One’s pictures provide a poor tribute to one’s zest for living. Instead of serving as opportunities to prove something to the public, photos should capture and recall the fun you had in real life.
Plus, these photos do not usually achieve the intended goal. No one can truly grasp just how close you were to the stage at the concert, nor do they get a sense of how insanely upbeat you were as you danced with your friends. Even if they are able to sense the greatness of your experience, they are viewing the photos from the comfort of their own desk chair. It is likely at that time they have no wish to be in such a social and crowded situation. In which case, they will not be impressed by your fun. They may pity you.

IV. Avoid repeating unique outfits in photos.
One may have a favorite scarf or flattering dress he or she likes to wear often. But on each occasion he or she wears the item, they run the chance that it will be digitally documented and published for the world to see. There are only so many photos where viewers will accept a favorite scarf or flattering dress before they rebel. This matter speaks for itself, and no more need be said.

V. Do not write captions unless you are secure in your wit and it has been validated by witty friends.
Should your pictures adhere to the aforementioned guidelines, one may wish to include captions to describe the appropriate, plain, fun-ish, distinct-outfitted scene. In this instance, it is imperative that the accompanying comments qualify as entertaining, accurate, thought-provoking, and heartwarming, all at once. Had ancients lived in this globalized world, they would have written precisely this caliber of caption. Many contemporaries have not accomplished this daunting feat without missteps along the way. Only those who are routinely lauded for their witty banter and clever repartee need attempt to create such captions.
Individuals who do not feel confident they can succeed in this endeavor are advised to stay the course by simply labeling the subjects and location of their pictures. This clear and straightforward approach will help viewers find the main idea of the photo without the added mental anguish of attempting to decode an ill-advised inside joke. When a matter of caption-writing arises, take no shame in simplicity.

In today’s globalized world, your internet persona too often precedes you. Everyone, from relatives to employers, from high school crushes to current beaus, from childhood neighbors to complete strangers, could potentially stumble onto your internet information. They may try using this information to form an image of what you stand for and represent. Following these guidelines ensures you do not allow a few misguided photo decisions carve an online reputation you do not wish to have.

dear life, so much has happened, and other short stories

2009-03-01T14:00:00.000-08:00

So G's cousin N was in town briefly over this weekend. N is very tall and hates facebook. N told us a story about a cougar. N was also very nice. To celebrate N's spring awakening in NYC, we decided to go out Friday night.

As G and I descended the stairs (not an easy feat for someone like me who tends to find stairs intimidating and difficult to maneuver), your humble narrator, true to form, slipped on a Delicatessen (did I spell that right?) brochure and almost bit it down a couple of flights. Delicatessen is the fancy new place around the corner from us, and I don't really understand why they're littering our landings with pieces of paper for no reason, seeing as how it's a hazard AND how they're packed over capacity every effing day.

I looked up and saw this large man, mayonnaise all over his relatively hairy face, smirking. Not really laughing, but smirking. And yeah, granted, it's funny when someone falls like that, but that son of a bitch was just chilling on the landing, eating some huge hero (I thought it was a burger at first), and didn't even think to ask if I was ok? Or to pick up the piece of paper? Are you a human being at all? Christ.

Ok, so I'm exaggerating a bit. But he was crushing that sub. And he did have the majority of the sandwich's condiments all over his face. So I turned around and said what was most appropriate.

"Sir, I can't believe you left this propaganda on the stairway! It's dangerous."

He looked perplexed, like maybe I wasn't talking to him. And yes I'm aware that deeming that menu to be propaganda's a stretch, but it just made it sound all the more awesome.

G bit into him too, accusing him of purposely laying out a ton of Delicatessen pamphlets everywhere and then waiting and watching with his sandwich. I mean, we were just playing, but our story that we created on the spot just developed its own life force as we crafted it. Poor guy just stood there, laughing and eating and shaking his head.
"Sir you better go collect the rest of these papers; they are a hot mess," I directed.

Then, I noticed that there was water dripping all over the stairs and a huge pile of ice in the corner of the landing. So I blamed that on him too. Poor guy was so lost.

Me: "And you dumped ice? On the landing? Dude...we gotta talk about this..."
Dude eating sandwich: "Rrmmmmf fmmmmmmf?"
Me: "Honestly?"

So G and I just continued to barrage him with complaints as we traipsed down the rest of the stairs. None of them mean, just generally disapproving of his sandwich-eating, ice-dumping, pamphlet-strewing ways. I called him Mr. BadBurger, even though it wasn't a burger he was eating. You know that Kenan and Kel show, or part of show, that used to come on? And they had that spinoff horror of a movie, "Goodburger" where the tagline was "Welcome to Goodburger, can I interest you in a good burger," etc.? Everything about that show and that skit was just terrifying, just like this creepy man in the landing, dogging a sandwich and watching ice just melt, and generally acting socially irresponsible.

If I own a restaurant, I'm going to have a BadBurger on the menu that is not going to be a burger at all, but a hero, and that's why it's a bad burger.

SONGS I LIKE NOW:
"Seventeen" - The Black Lips
"Losing All Control" - Rooney
"Waiting for My Real Life to Begin" - Colin Hay
"Don't Hate Me" - The Get Up Kids
"Ces Soirées-la" - Chansons du Soleil
"Crack a Bottle" - Eminem f. Dr. Dre

dante's inferno...and the Direct TV people.

2009-02-01T18:49:00.000-08:00

So today, after waiting patiently for our TV to be turned back on after 2.5 weeks, I was finally able to wake up and flip on the TV. I rarely do this, as usually I actually have work or something more productive to do, but I honestly love just moving from the bed to the couch and laying around for an hour or two. All this being said, our TV was busted for those 2.5 weeks, and Direct TV let us know that they'd get it fixed by 1/31/09. Oh, they did. At 7:47 in the morning. The ONE time they're on time, and it's at 7:47 in the morning on a Saturday.

Anyway, so this morning (Sunday) I woke up and was like, oh, I should probably check the bill for this shiz. Because when I heard the absurd truth (that they were just gonna let us chill for almost 3 weeks without "The Office"), I straight-up asked for a refund in our payments, and they were cool about it. However, on the bill, it was more expensive than it'd ever been. And we were paying for some ridiculous NFL package or whatnot, I don't know. It was all so crazy.

I called right away. I get a special ordering voice when I'm doing things like ordering food in restaurants, ascribing consequences to kids, or trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about. This was the voice I used.

I first had an extensive conversation with a robot, who kept asking me to repeat insane things and occasionally spoke to me in Spanish. I guess when you don't respond correctly the robots just assume you can't speak English at all.

Then, the robot told me that for a $5 fee I could speak to an agent, since I had chosen not to use their handy method of online bill payment. This was $5 worth of bullshit and I wasn't having it.

Here's how my conversation with the agent went: Enter, Hell.

"Hello. I'm a ridiculous person, and I work for DirectTV, how can I help you today?"

At this point I asked straightaway if I was being charged five bucks for simply wanting to speak to a non-android. She said no and chuckled, as if something that had happened to me in the last five minutes I'd spent in hell was funny.

We proceeded to discuss the bill shenanigans. I filled her in on what had happened and the dique credit that had been dique given back to my account, and sure enough, she found my credit of forty-something dollars floating around in spaceland. So, I asked her why, on the January bill, it wasn't showing up. Was this magic money? Monopoly money? Did Direct TV have people like Al Franken on their five dollar bills, things like that?

She again laughed, which I was beginning to get annoyed at. Mostly because I'd first spent five minutes talking to a robot, but also because she was annoying. She assured me that the bill had been processed before my credit had been processed.
"But my bill is dated on the 17, and you said the credit was processed on the 9, so it should show, right? Does this mean it would be on the February bill?"
She appeared to have not heard my question. She simply repeated verbatim exactly what she had just shared with me and told me that a different amount, smaller than that on my bill, was taken out directly. I decided to lose this battle to win the war.

"So, I'd like to change my package. We don't really need the NFL package, and I don't think we actually ever really ordered it."
"Ok. Are you sure I can't interest you in any of the channels?"
"No, we'd really like to just hear about the other packages you have."
"Ok, Are you sure I can't interest you in any of the channels?"

It went something like that. I swear, it was like she had some sort of form in front of her. She probably did. And if your customer's last sentence has a signal word, you search for that word or phrase on your rubric/form/whatever, and answer back with an appropriate response. Direct TV probably has a mammoth of a banner declaring "DO NOT DEVIATE FROM THE SCRIPT!" hanging in the main hall between all the cubicles.

I finally convinced this lady that I didn't want their stinking channels. None of the movie channels. So, of course, as I'm watching Unfabulous on The N, which I admittedly was actually watching, not just flipping through, my screen goes blank and it says that the channel is no longer purchased.

"Wait. I thought you said the only differences between the NFL Premiere Package and the Choice Package are $50 and like, 4 movie channels."
"Yes, the only difference...blah blah blah..."
"But, I'm watching The N, and all of a sudden it just turned blank and said I haven't bought the channel."
"Yes, the only difference..."

Enter like, the 4th Circle of Hell. She literally repeated the same phrase - I counted, and marked it off on a scrap of paper to keep myself from going into a coma - 4 times. FOUR TIMES.

I finally convinced her that I didn't need the channels, again, and she finally clarified in real words that she simply was transferring packages for me, so technically, I didn't have any channels until I decided what package I wanted. Which was stupid, because I'd clearly told her I didn't want the f-ing Premiere Package or whatever that NFL shit was. I was seething.

So, finally, the TV is back on. Things are good. And so she starts to wrap up the conversation and lets me know that it's going to be a $29 fee to add the Choice Package, along with the $50 rebate for dropping the Premiere Package, still putting me in good credit. I'm thinking to myself, wait. It costs almost $30 to DOWNGRADE my packages, even when I didn't even ask for or want the package I was downgrading from? WTF?

I shared this with her, politely.
She responded back like a robot.
I said, "Wait. So it costs me, net, $30 to switch packages?"

She responded that no, they didn't charge for switching. Then she proceeded to repeat to me, again verbatim, exactly what she'd said previously.

"So what you're saying is, every time someone switches packages, they encounter both a fee for adding a new package and get money back for downgrading? So isn't that a charge for changing your package, if you're charged when you add a new package every time?"

She repeated verbatim.

I asked my question again. At this point, I admit, I just wanted to be told that I was right. Because she was making things so complicated and I didn't understand. And I was furious. And I was really hungry too and she was making my life hell. I was probably in the 7th Circle at this point.

Finally, she relented and said yes. I felt like the heavens opened and light shined down on me from above. I had won. I had won against Direct TV.

And I got my money back, suckas.

oh the weather outside is...weather

2009-01-28T14:38:00.000-08:00

Oh hey! So guess what the weather is outside? If you've seen "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" you understand how hysterical I'm being, but honestly, the weather is C R A P crap.
It was real pretty when I first got up this morning. Big huge snow castle Hallmark dreamworld-like. Then, the "snow" turned into "dique snow" which turned into dique "wintry mix" which turned into f-ing rain.
[sidenote: I superglued my fingers together today]
You know what middle schoolers do when it rains and snows? While they remain unable to verbally express how water goes through physical phase changes, they do grasp that water freezes onto fallen snow in such a perfect way that snowballs are relatively effortless.
I can demonstrate with the equation below:
rain + fallen snow + middle schoolers = lots of snowballs at 3:00 PM
Plus, our kids were ducking behind cars, running into intersections, what have you, in a huge snowball war. Because playing in traffic is irresistable when you're 12; I know, because I remember.
When I was 12...yikes. I was more uncoordinated and goofy-looking than I am now. Well, that's probably an exaggeration, but let's be serious. Who is more goofy than a preadolescent? Especially a preadolescent on rollerblades.
At the nubile age of 12, maybe 11, I was rollerblading (give me a break, it was 1996) in this big parking lot about 10 blocks from my house. I think the place was called Metairie Village; I'm not really sure. I was rollerblading and not looking where I was going (pretty typical). Psychologists refer to this phenomenon, which develops around the onset of adolescence, as the "Invincibility" delusion, which goes hand-in-hand with most adolescents' preoccupation with the self. Not only do you think you're invincible, which causes you to do stupid things. You also believe that life is just one big stage, and you're the star. I forgot what that delusion is called, but it's legit, you can check out my references.
Anyway, so I got hit but a Prius. Yep. I got hit by a car. On rollerblades. Like, I was on the rollerblades, not the car. I remember falling, the car honking, me getting up, and the car driving away. Now that I think about it, that guy was a big jerk. What are you gonna do, right?Kinda forgot for awhile that I got hit by a car. But when I saw a 6th grader from the other school dash out into not only the middle of the street but a 4-way intersection, I had major deja vu. No rollerblades, but snow is pretty comparable in terms of constraints on mobility.
What else is new? I want to forget Valentine's Day and have a "Be Miami Valentine" Day party. I think it would be almost as funny as seeing a video of me falling down after getting hit by a Prius. Everyone would have to dress in trashy Miami Vice gear, hook up meaninglessly, and play '80s music. It's what Michael Scott would call a win-win-win situation if he was reading out of Tobey's handbook.Here's to hoping the weather is real nice.

Songs to dizownload:

McFly - Transylvania (poppy but excellent, and the only song where their smokin' bass player has a vocal solo)
Audioslave - Be Yourself
Gym Class Heroes - Good Vibrations (cover of the Beach Boys' classic)
Rooney - I Should've Been After You
Public Enemy - Supermixx's Black in the Building
Timbaland f. Elton John - 2 Man Show
Rogue Wave - Eyes
David Mead - Girl on the Roof
Everclear - Local God
Sea Wolf - Middle Distance Runner

That time I almost burned down my apartment

2009-01-19T17:16:00.000-08:00

Welcome back guys! This year is the year I decided to make an actual New Year's Resolution, which (typically) involved about 20 sub-resolutions. The main resolution basically requires me to note each time good things happen to me and to be grateful every day for what I have and love.

So, tonight, it was that I survived my microwave and an English muffin.

It started out like any other night. G and I decided to cook dinner, which, as in most unions, means that I cook while G watches (just kidding, sometimes G cooks, but I really enjoy it and thought I was ok at it). I decided to cook breakfast for dinner. I cooked some scrambled eggs - check. I cooked some turkey bacon - also check. So far, so good.

I pulled the English muffins out of the fridge. I'm not gonna lie, I have a MA and I still was under the impression that the "sell by" date in no way coincides with the "eat by" date. Please. I had them in the FRIDGE for christ's sake. Well, my standard solution for anything remotely unedible is to put it in the microwave. I put those babies in the microwave, and I continued monitoring the bacon, which I honestly thought was going to be the most difficult part of the whole ordeal. When I checked on the muffins, one of them was soft, so I put it on my plate. The other one was still rock hard (that's what she said), so I left it in there. That's right, two minutes for an English muffin. I told G I only put it in for a minute, but it was the smoke inhalation talking. I think it was really closer to two.
About 30 seconds later, I noticed smoke seeping out of the microwave door. Sensing danger, I opened up the microwave and was greeted by a cloud of smoke. Terrified that I might set off the smoke alarm, I did the most logical thing I could do - I got the hair dryer out of the bathroom (coming frighteningly close to knocking the hair straightener while still plugged in into the toilet, just like how they tell you NOT to do on those annoying tags that come with appliances).

Times I have avoided death so far: 1

I was cursing like a sailor at this point, so G came out of her room. "Jesus Christ, what is going on?" she yelled above the hair dryer. "Why are you blow drying the microwave?"
I explained the situation in random pieces of text, including "microwave" "English muffin" "burnt" "and "shit!"

Times I have avoided death so far (including the hair straightener electrocution debacle): 2

I held the hair dryer pointed at the smoke alarm and the smoke, plus I opened our apartment door, and we released the rest of the smoke from the microwave, when G explained we kind of had to. I thought it could stay in there forever, like when you start to open a soda and notice it's going to blow up so you kind of open it, and then let it sit and air out.

Here are pictures of the carnage.

Eventually I gave up on blow-drying. G asked me what had possessed me to put the English muffin in the microwave, when we had a perfectly good toaster right there. I admitted that the microwave was my go-to, plus, those fucking muffins were frozen solid, so how were they supposed to fit in that tiny opening in the damn toaster? It's called logic.

As smoke still cleared out, G read the English muffin package. "Dude, it says 'sell by December 9' on here," she noted.

"But there's no 'eat by' date," I explained.

G shook her head. "No dude. They don't publish 'eat by' dates. They don't expect people to blow up their apartments. Just you do that."

"I'm going to write a letter to Thomas Bakery letting them know that their muffins are NOT flame retardant," I complained.
"Only YOU are flame retarded," quipped G.
"I said flame RETARDANT."
"Sure you did."

The eggs, I should note, were really great. G showed me how to use that toaster. When I tried to eat the remnants of the one edible muffin, it was so tough to rip apart that I knocked over an entire glass of juice, which would've been way less funny had I not previously just endured everything involving the microwave. The muffins were my nemeses. English muffins are not allowed in our apartment anymore, nor am I allowed to cook anything in the microwave until my probation is over, and G told me that probation will end when she decides it ends.

see you on the 6 train

2008-12-21T13:34:00.001-08:00

I'm one of those people that's really obsessed with texting, not so much with phoning. I also complain about having a cell phone a fair amount and lament the fact that technology's gotten so crazy that we all do like, 18 billion things at one time because everyone has a freakin Blackberry.

That didn't mean that I meant to throw my Blackberry Pearl into the 6 train tracks.

It started out like any other Saturday. I was with A, and we were headed to Cheap Jack's, the coolest vintage store in the whole world, to go try on peoples' old clothes and pretend like we had enough money to buy them. We had also just consumed the best sandwich in the world (you think I'm using hyperbole, but you're wrong), which is sold at the corner of Bleecker and Lafayette at this shack called Bite. I don't know what they put in those sandwiches but it's probably not legal.

So, you guys may not know this, but I have a bit of a history with the NY Transit Authority already. Pretty much because of how I fell down the stairs when I was headed to the D train in late August. I don't believe in saying things like, "I'm uncoordinated," because I'm honestly not. I have great aim, and I have great fine motor skills. It's big-picture things, like walking and talking and other types of multi-tasking, that I generally have problems with.

It's been a few months now, but your writer feels that she should share the facts of the day that yours truly (B$) fell down the subway steps. This is so you'll fully understand and appreciate how hilarious I am.

Basically, I fell down les stairezas and hit my head way hard on ye 28 day of August, 2008. How hard did I fall, you may ask? Hard enough to cause a major nosebleed and general disorientation. 20 stairs hard, head-first hard. Two women helped me up the stairs, and the next thing I knew, I was in some hospital, some guy told me I looked like a beat-up Mandy Moore (compliment?) and they had to rip off my clothes in a huge sterile room with about 25 attendants and residents because I already had a neck brace on. Mortifying. Absolutely mortifying.
After that, it gets all blurry again on account of the morphine. And don't worry, I'm still getting these weird insurance calls/bills/thank-you notes/ransom notes because of the effing Hindenburg of a hospital to which I was sent. They messed up pretty much everything, down to the birthdate on my hospital bracelet. So it's not really a shock that in addition to all this nonsense, my friends thought I was pretty much a goner for a full day while they searched for me. Oh yeah, I forgot my phone too. In my apartment. On the day I fell down the stairs. So, see? Bad things happen when a phone is (not) involved.

So, returning back to December 20, 2008: I was walking down the stairs, holding tightly onto the rail. I made it through the turnstile. And I heard my phone buzz. And, as I took it out of my pocket, it seemed to happen in slow motion: my phone went flying into the abyss that we shall call the 4, 5, 6 train tracks. My first inclination, I'll admit, was to hurl myself after it, but the stranger next to me restrained me. No, like, physically restrained me.

Here are some pictures A took of my sad phone just sitting there. She thought it was absolutely hysterical to take pictures of my misfortune. That, I believe, has a name, and that name is Schadenfreude. Happiness at others' misery. I thought it was really funny too, only NOT FUNNY AT ALL.

So, after briefly debating the merits of getting pummeled by a train, A and I decided that my phone was not in danger of being stolen, as long as it was down there. And you know what? Let's use some asset-based thinking here. Power of the positive. It could've fallen in the puddle in the MIDDLE of the tracks, next to that gross Starbucks cup, so it wasn't THAT bad. And I could've thrown like, all my shit into the tracks, instead of just my phone. Or myself, accidentally; I mean crazier things have happened.

I went and talked to Mike, transit authority's guy that sits in the little glass box. The attendant shook his head and confirmed my suspicion that I could not crawl down there, no matter how much I benched and how flexible I was. I'm sure this was because of the posters of my face, post-nosebleed, hanging in the Transit Authority's Headquarters (you know they have a HQ) and the words, "DO NOT LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO THIS GIRL WHILE SHE'S ON THE TRAIN OR IN THE AREA OR ALL YOUR ASSES WILL BE SUED."

I discussed the matter and he said that he would call The Squad. I'm not joking. There's a squad for this kind of thing. He said it would take one hour. I told Mike he was a saint, and that I could kiss him; this weirded him out and I decided he was best left alone. I left my address and name with him, along with A's phone number, so that when my phone was retrieved I could be found. I should add that I asked Mike if it was ok to keep doing what we were off to do; Mike looked at me like I was an idiot and goes, "What's gonna happen to yo phone? You think it's gonna what, crawl on its little phone legs and run away?" I decided Mike had the situation handled and proceeded on to Cheap Jack's with Adriana, where I bought an egregious sequined dress in my attempts to forget the ordeal.

I arrived back to Bleecker Street at 4:30 PM to collect my phone. I had been told Chris would be the attendant in charge, so I approached the booth. Sure enough, Chris was there. He asked for my id. I gave it to him, got my phone, and promptly told him he was a Chris-tmas miracle. He thought I was way funnier than Mike did.

I don't think the MTA will ever, ever let me into a subway ever again.

Songs now:

McFly -Star Girl (Don't judge my obsession with what G calls "British Sum 41.")

Don't Forget - Demi Lovato

I Think We're Alone Now (cover) - The Click Five

Halloween - Matt Pond PA

You Said No - Busted

Supply & Demand - Amos Lee

City Escape - The Dear Hunter

See You At the Lights - The 1990s

when it sounds like the world's ending

2008-12-15T18:34:00.000-08:00

So let me give you a brief insight into my room. My room, not unlike my apartment, is very small.

Now, I am ok with small spaces. In fact, I like and even prefer small spaces. But we're talking small. Like mini-me small. Like Polly's Playhouse small. Like, when people come over (I say people as if we can fit more than one person), they don't ask for tours of the apartment, they just say "Oh," or, "Wow, it really is small," or, my favorite, "You pay how much for what?"

Today, I got a thingie stuck in my door that let me know [courtesy of my super realty company that I think is run by people with the combined IQ of, I don't know, Animal from "Muppet Babies," or a celery stalk] that I had to have my fire escape cleared as per NYC law. I'm thinking, what fire escape? Oh, you mean the fork-sized piece of iron that sits underneath my Polly Princess excuse for a window? That? As if something could fit on it? Jesus.

Meanwhile, in real-people-land, I'm sitting in my tiny apartment bedroom. I have learned to navigate this space expertly. My bookshelf and my dresser (which barely fit, let me tell you) enclose about a 3-foot wide space in which I dress, or walk around. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really stressed, I pace up and down the 3 feet of my room and I feel a lot better. Or I let my legs hang off the bed and swing them a little bit.

So, something you need to know. My room was originally inhabited by a boy. Whoever this boy was, I should probably meet him, because he is a freaking genius. He must have been a full-time subscriber to Pottery Barn Small Spaces because this fool lined the entire wall with shelves. He is so smart, he should be the one running my stupid realty company. I bet if he did, they'd get our rent right at least once and stop charging us insane random amounts every month, as if to imply that they can actually add and subtract numbers.

So, these shelves, they don't actually hold all that much. And you know, shoes - even my shoes, and I'm no Carrie Bradshaw - they take up a lot of room. Shoes equal a downgrade. But you need shoes, because otherwise people get concerned about you if you're walking around all barefoot and stuff. So I bought this sweet shoe rack at KMart, thinking, man, I'm so smart to buy this shoe rack at KMart that hangs on my door (which looks not unlike the door to the steering cabin on a ship). I thought to myself, "you are going to save SO MUCH SPACE."

Every day, my door rack falls. Every goddamn day. I tell you no lies. I don't know if it's a space issue, or if my door shoe rack is just really stressed, or what, but the last bar ALWAYS COMES UNDONE. Say someone needs me and comes in my room, bam, the shoe rack falls. I come in my room too fast one day, boom, it falls. Every day. Sometimes when I'm sleeping it falls and I get a goddamn heart attack.

It sounds like the world ending. All my shoes come crashing down. Along with my hopes and dreams of saving space.

Ok, I admit, I haven't fallen down the stairs or anything lately, but when G just came in to tell me something fairly normal, the shoe rack f-ing fell again and I wanted to kill it, if it were real. I want to write Martha Stewart and let her know that her stupid shoe rack doesn't make my room look any cooler or more put together but in fact adds to the general disorder of life.

Way to go Martha. Bitch.

why i'm glad technology exists

2008-12-08T16:32:00.000-08:00

1. DVR - dude, where did I live without DVR? seriously? It's sad that I'm so dependent on it, but honestly...like when "The Cosby Show" (yes, second Cosby reference, but for real) was on the other night in that airtime between "Gossip Girl" and "The Hills," guess what episode it was? You guessed right, it was the episode where Heathcliff buys this ridiculous appliance, and Clare Huxtable is like, you know, Cliff, you never use these things, but Theo and Cliff are like, oh Clare, stop being such a woman.
And then Cliff leaves the appliance plugged in like a doofus in the kitchen. And everyone has to go out, so Denise has to watch Rudy and her chubby tracksuit-wearing friend Peter, who is hysterical-looking. Backstory on Peter is he likes to play in clotheshampers. We know this because Cliff warns Rudy and Peter, "no playing in the clotheshampers, you hear?" and Peter, with his bowl cut not unlike Matt Wallace circa 2002, nods ably.
So obviously, Denise has to take a call and leaves Rudy on her own with Peter. At this point, my roommate and Cosby aficionado G called out, "OMG! You have to DVR this because we have to have it forever!" (she'd been referencing this very episode earlier). I did as I was told, not knowing how to program anything on DVR.
I did it right. And now, for all eternity, I have, captured on a magical TV box, the scene where Rudy and Peter decide to make peanut butter and jelly in the blender. Peter notably drops the bread on the ground first and meticulously wipes each piece on his sleeve to the sound of audience laughter. I was DYING. Then, they put all the grapes in the appliance, get sprayed, and Peter BOOKS IT for the door. Cut directly to scene of every Huxtable family member walking into the kitchen and finding the mess, and Cliff getting a phone call from Peter's dad, saying he found Peter in the clotheshamper.

Who wouldn't be glad they had that shit on DVR?

2. Wouldn't it be awesome - I mean, AWESOME - if you could make soundtracks for your life? Like if we were all movie characters? I know what my soundtrack would include. I don't really have much to say, but I guess I wish it were possible. I hear all kinds of shit in my head anyway, it'd be better if other people heard the same stuff. I'd probably make more sense.

TRACKS TO DOWNLOAD:
1. "liquidity sharks" - Dollaz$ and Carlson
2. "the good life" - weezer
3. "dreadlock holiday" - 10cc
4. "honor and harmony" - g love
5. "let the beat build" - lil wayne
6. "our lawyer made us change the name..." - fall out boy
7. "valerie" - the zutons and "valerie" - steve winwood
8. "gimme some lovin'" - spencer davis group