Hey everyone out there in no-man's land...it's that time again. V-Day. Want to know the history of St. Valentine, and Valentine's Day itself? It started back in the Middle Ages, thanks to the man of all men, Geoffrey Chaucer (thanks, asshole). Don't get me wrong. As an English major, I've paid homage to Chaucer more than I really think any sane person should. But really, Valentine's Day? It's named after a martyr, dude. Doesn't that tell you something? Chaucer didn't even mean to start what he started.
So timeline-wise, three dudes name "Valentine" perished about two thousand years ago for the sake of their beliefs. Chaucer immortalized one of them in his writing a thousand years later. And now, a thousand years LATER (more or less, ok?) we're sending a billion greeting cards out to each other and a candy heart or two.
I'm cynical, yeah. Why wait until a national holiday - especially one in the middle of one of the most depressing months of the year - to celebrate who you love? The only time I've come close to celebrating Valentine's Day was when I was a junior in high school. I remember it pretty clearly given that it was the only time I've ever celebrated Valentine's Day. I was out of town for something, and even though I'm generally pretty nervous about public displays of affection, my boyfriend at the time left me flowers on my doorstep for every day I was out of town. Downside? They were all dead when I got home.
So, yeah, I'm cynical. But I'm not a hater. What really grinds my gears, more than people that sit there like Lady and the Tramp inhaling each other's pasta, is the contingent that publicly mocks Valentine's Day as if knocking it makes it less sappy, less prevalent, and less important to the people that want it. Give it up, guys. Go get drunk and wait for February 15. Don't start any relationships on the 13, either.
And love? What follows is a selection of some of the greatest love songs ever. They're the greatest because they're the real thing. You know what love is when it hurts, and like Nazareth reminds us, baby, love hurts. Just 'cause you're crying don't mean it's not real, sugar.
Songs to diz...
1. "Love Hurts" - Nazareth
"Take Another Little Piece of my Heart" - Janis Joplin
Sub-category: Angry/sad crooner lets 'em have it.
The blog's namesake happens right here with a psychedelic video, man. And Janis pulls up the female vote with her raging vocals.
2. "Cry Me a River" - Justin Timberlake f. Timbaland
"Stutter" - Joe f. Mystikal
Sub-category: You're a cheating (son of a) bitch.
The two urban-ish songs I have on this chart. Justin Timberlake has morphed from curly-headed boy-band wonder to sex symbol, and even though his voice is high-pitched, he beat-boxes like a fiend, so I love him. This is maybe the best way to get back at your ex - make a video exploiting her. Mystikal fell onto and off of the charts in about 3 seconds back in 1999, so I felt generous and threw him on here.
3. "Love Stinks" - J. Geils Band
"Fuck You, It's Over" - Glasvegas
Sub-category: Fuck you, it's over.
Ever since "The Wedding Singer," I have LOVED this song. This is the one you blast at the bar. Glasvegas, not so much. That one you should maybe do in the privacy of your own home.
4. "It's Not Over Yet" - Klaxons/"I'm Not Over" - Carolina Liar
Sub-category: Fuck you, but is it over?
5. "Alone" - Heart
Sub-category: I'm alone at the bar and when I see you with _____, I wanna hurl.
I thought about giving the #5 spot to "Your Boyfriend Sucks" by The Ataris, but I just can't respect myself if I give any spot to The Ataris given that I only bought their CD many years ago for that cover of a Don Henley song. That, in itself, was a mistake. Heart is a dominant force in music and VH1 back-episodes, so we honor that here.
6. "Since You've Been Gone" Rainbow
Sub-category: Don't care what Kelly Clarkson says, I'm alone.
Hey, Kelly, Rainbow called, their version is better.
Well, no, Kelly didn't rip off this '70s genius. However, the song title is similar. Message is a bit different. Kelly, in all her female glory, proclaims that since her man's been gone things are much better. Rainbow offers a much closer and accurate portrayal of how it feels when someone peaces out on you.
7. "Bad Romance" - Lady Gaga
"Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell" - Iggy Pop
Sub-category: You don't want this?
Gotta throw in some Lady Gaga since this song was in every episode of "Gossip Girl" for chrissake. But the only person who could come close to competing with Lady Gaga - and honestly, let's right that - the only person that Lady Gaga could come close to - is Iggy Pop.
8. "Good Arms vs. Bad Arms" - Frightened Rabbit
Sub-category: I'm sad.
This is the one you should probably listen to when you enter the grieving process, not the one you should blast at the bar.
9. "You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You're Told)" - White Stripes
Sub-category: You broke up with me because you don't even know what you had.
Jack White gets at it by telling off. Message: You may have broken up with me, but it's because I'm the only one who knows what's up, sucka.
10. "Still in Love Song" - The Stills
Sub-category: You may be gone but I'm still over here feeling like this.
The Stills rock it out and make all their listeners feel sad too.
11. "Love Bites" - Def Leppard
Sub-category: This sucks, dude.
Def Leppard continued to perform after a massive car wreck with a one-armed drummer. Impressive. Almost as impressive as this video masterpiece. This could single-handedly be the infomercial for Monster Ballads.
12. "Bye Bye Love" - The Cars/"Since You're Gone" - The Cars
Sub-category: Rick Ocasek's personal memoirs
Rick O's woman was slammin' so I don't really know why he has so many songs about losing hot chicks. However, these are the two best. Of the two, I love and will always love "Since You're Gone," and, as is typical with any Cars song on any of my lists, it wins the MVP, with Nazareth and The Cure a close tie for second.
13. "Skinny Love" - Bon Iver
Sub-category: It sounds pretty but I'm verbally fucking you over.
Still love this song.
14. "Goodnight to Romance" - Blackpool Lights
"I Hate Myself For Loving You" - Joan Jett
Sub-category: romance doesn't even exist anymore
Ok, ok, let's start with Blackpool Lights - breakoff band from The Get Up Kids. Not a HUGE fan, but this song kinda fits the bill, in my opinion. Joan Jett, on the other hand - she's looking a little worse for the wear circa 1998, but vocally, man - she's still got it.
15. "Somebody to Love" - Queen
Sub-category: Isn't there ANYONE out there?
Freddie Mercury knew what was up long before anyone else did.
16. "Hungry Heart" - Bruce Springsteen
Sub-category: Left my wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack/Working class rock
Leave it to Blue-Collar Bruce to tell it like it is.
17. "Take a Bow Always" - Rihanna/Kooks remix
Sub-category: I always had a feeling you were a jackass
'Coulda gone with standard Rihanna, but I'd have missed the fan vid opportunity and the crazy Kooks background. I think it makes it a little lighter, don't you?
18. "Get an Ugly Girl to Marry You" - The Coasters
"Runaround Sue" - Dion & the Belmonts
Sub-category: What to do with a ho.
Two oldies-but-goodies to make you remember that even in the '50s, dudes knew how to rock about skanks.
19. "How Do You Tell Somebody?" - Cowboy Mouth
Sub-category: What happens when you're the breaker-upper?
You know that weird feeling you get when you know it's donezo?
20. "Boys Don't Cry" - The Cure
Sub-category: Be a man, hold your feelings in.
Possibly the greatest song of all time to listen to when you're broken-up. Even if you're a girl.
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