experts in the middle east

An expert is defined as one who knows a great amount about a particular subject, while also possessing significant skill associated with said content.

My friend T, in his efforts to teach his kids at school persuasive techniques to prepare them for interviews, decided that he would throw random subjects about which they knew NOTHING at them today, in the hopes that it would prepare them to bullshit adequately. Ok, so obviously it's not his goal to get his students to BS. It WAS a free period at the end of a week. And he said it was fun.

Obviously, we played that game tonight.

This is how you play the Expert Game. You sit around with a group of people and act like our friend A. A has somehow finagled his way into any and everything. Playboy. A national nonprofit teaching organization. Thus, he was a pro at the Expert Game.

Here is a sampling of some of the topics we shot at each other.

Forest Fires
Player: S
A poses, "What can I, as the average bear citizen, do to prevent forest fires, S?"
S responded, "I'm glad you asked, average bear. What you need to do is peel little strips of wood that won't ignite readily, and there you have it. Don't blow too hard, it makes the wind blow."

Cabbage Patch Kids
Player: Me
T asked, "So, B, what do you think of the Cabbage Patch Kids?"
Me: Such a good question, T. Where do I begin?
T: That's really a question for you, B.
Me: I think it really starts with the original CP - Cabbage Patch - in Southeast Australia. The Hoddi Tribe. The soil there is so rich, it really wasn't a big leap to watch children emerge from soil fully formed and ready for camraderie and public service. Really a human interest piece.
A: What are your thoughts on the Great Cabbage-Radish Divide?
Me: Are you referring to the Divide post-Cabbage World War?
A: Naturally.
Me: Well, A, it's really a question of Radish Manifestdestiny.
G: I'd like to dovetail off of that. Back in the 1850s, the Radish Children really rallied, coming forth from the immigration act of 1835. The Radishes were a good people, but ultimately, not strong enough to really overcome the spirit of the Cabbage People. It lasted well into the 20th century, this feeling of hate and the prejudice that resulted. Things were friendly in the early 19th century, but those feelings had dissipated by the end of the 1800s, given that the radishes really infringed upon what the Cabbage people felt were their god-given rights.
A: And the Great Cabbage Fire of 1906?
Me: Well, yeah. That was a big...thing...that happened when the Radishes and Cabbages split into their...parts...
G: You sound really smart. And expert.

Dogs
Player: A
Me: "What are your thoughts on the healthiest breed of dog?"
A: My thoughts on the healthiest breed of dog?
Me: Yes.

--A strategy 1: repeat the question and buy time. A claimed it sounded erudite.--

Well, that depends on the culture in which the dog resides. Tribal or sub-state?

--A's strategy was to buy time by stalling the question.--

Me: Tribal.
A: Well, then we start getting into dialectical differences.

Pier 1
Player: A
"Pier 1: an excellent west coast subdivision of Best Buy. It's very interesting that you bring up Pier 1, as I am from the west coast and Pier 1 single-handedly created an Asian Tiger."
We all looked at each other, baffled.

"Asian Tiger refers to the trading between America and China, specifically the west coast.
It relates to Pier 1 because the Asian Tiger has fueled Pier 1's success."
G: What was the nature of the Asian Tiger?
A: Please define "nature."
G: Trees.

Educational Achievement Gap
Player: A
"The educational gap is very disturbing."
(A's strategy here was clearly the shorter, the better.)

I'm cooking breakfast this whole time. I hear A call out, "Hey! Can I use your computer?" I respond, "No," and come out to A playing on my computer.
"I started while you were saying no..."

Part II: A's Parable

Much like Jesus, A relates to us bits of knowledge and wisdom that encompass most of our mortal lives.

"So let me tell you this. Let me see if you can guess what this situation is an analogy for.
An alligator and a scorpion are on the bank of a river. They're hangin' out.
And the alligator wants to cross the river, and so does the scorpion. The alligator can cross the river, no problem. Aren't alligators born on underwater? Right. So anyway. Alligator is gonna cross, and the scorpion wants to cross the river, y'know? So the scorpion is like, yo bro, can i cross the river? And the alligator's like, uh, no because you'll sting me and kill me. And the scorpion's like, nah dude. Because if I stung you, I'd die too, in the water. So the alligator's like, ok. And it takes the scorpion up on its back, and they ride across together.

At this point, A's ADD got in the way and we all listened as T goes, "Is it the Middle East?"
A: Yeah man. But let me finish.

A continued:
And then, in the middle of the river, the scorpion up and stings the alligator. And as the alligator's like, dying and drowning and shit, he turns his head and goes, "Why'd you sting me?" and the scorpion goes..."I don't know, man, it's the Middle East."

A then goes, "So, do you know what it's for?"
We all look blankly at him.
G: Uh...the Middle East?
A: YEAH! Have you heard this before?
Me: A, you gave it away. Don't you remember 3 seconds ago?
A: Dude, it's a PARABLE.

I challenged A. I googled it, and found that it was really a parable about a turtle, and the last line is nothing like what A claimed it was.

"I thought you guys went to accredited universities!" said A. "I want to see your transcripts!"
"US?" I yelled. "US!!? After that pathetic excuse of a parable you told us?"
I pointed out what I'd googled.
"Where'd you even get that from? Turtle.gov?" A retorted.
"Where's YOURS from, garbageclown.com?" I yelled back.

A failed to set up the joke as taking PLACE in the Middle East, which is what makes it make sense. If you just set it up as a parable, the Middle East line makes no sense. We googled it, and the original line the scorpion says at the end is, "I don't know, it's my character," and the parable is about the innate nature of creatures. Compare those two last lines. Just go ahead and compare. It's also about a turtle and a scorpion, not an alligator.

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZONGS:
"that's entertainment" - the jam
"night on fire" - vhs or beta
"sink into me" - taking back sunday
"i'll be you" - the replacements