Verizon, death, and destruction

One time, I wrote that DirecTV was the worst business establishment ever created. I now retract that statement. DirecTV is the second-worst, and Verizon is the worst.

Luckily I wrote it all down in my Hate Log, my diary of terrible things that I hate on.

September 4, 2009
Dear Diary,
Today, the Verizon Agent told me that my installation would happen on September 8, 2009. Yay for internet!

September 8, 2009
Hi Haterz,
Unfortunately but somewhat expectedly, the Verizon Agent never materialized. I called Verizon and they made me feel like an idiot and told me that no one was ever coming, and that I could do the installation on my own. I feel good today and I’m going to eat my feelings and then go for a run.

September 9-24, 2009
Heeeey haterz,
Verizon has called me every day during work. Make it stop. Why are they calling me?

September 25, 2009
Whatup Diary,
Today, I spoke to Mr. Ridiculous Person at Verizon, who told me that my bill wouldn’t be charged because everyone at Verizon is mildly retarded. He didn’t actually use the word retarded, but I could read between the lines. After repeating most of his questions several times, we established that on September 29, 2009, I would have a second Verizon agent report to my house, since apparently this is REQUIRED for installation. Thanks for letting me know, now, after suffering internet-less for 3 weeks.
My favorite line from the entire exchange:
Him: “Wait, so you cannot be there during the day?”
Me: “No. I work. I am employed.”
Him: “Uh…”
Me: “I have a job.”
Him: “So you’re saying you CAN’T be there from 8-12.”
Me: “That is exactly what I’m saying.”

September 28, 2009
HI HATERS,
So, an agent called to confirm with me today. They are definitely sending someone tomorrow. Hurray!

September 29, 2009
Dear motherfucking diary,
I hate Verizon. They suck.
A. No one came.
B. No one called.
C. I called at 5:20 PM
D. I was transferred 4 times. First, they sent me (because of my VA area code) to a VA agent. Who transferred me to a MA agent. Who transferred me to an upper NY agent. Who finally, and enthusiastically, transferred me to a lower Manhattan agent.
E. Great times on hold.
F. Still on hold.
G. An agent picks up. Transfers me to some other Retardment.
H. Enthusiastic agent picks up phone and from sound effects I decide he has dropped the receiver.
I. Call back. Am transferred 29034 times.
J. Finally, speak to someone with a Midwest accent not unlike Bobby’s mom from that cartoon “Bobby’s World.” She pronounces the word “associated” like “assoshiated” which is not a dialectic or accent difference but just plain wrong.
K. G points out that she thinks people can hear what I say when I curse them out once the music starts playing on hold.
L. I get bored and hit the wrong button, causing an automated agent to scream at me for minutes and minutes. I hit the 0 button repeatedly until when I stop, there is a still a long string of abbreviated beeps.
M. FINALLY, success. Reschedule appointment for following day. Time: 6:45 PM.

So, good times with phone companies. www.campkillyourself.com.

SONGS TO DIZZITY
"unsatisfied" - the replacements
"ghosts" - the jam
"airstream driver" - gomez
"substitute" - the who
"the walls come down" - the call
"i want you back" - the discovery
anything by daft punk before now.