what wham, the a-team theme song, and your mom all have in common

What DO they all have in common, you may ask?

Let's take a step back.
Say, this is your last question.
You are one question away from winning $5,000,000.
How did you do it?
A. Cheated
B. Knew the answers.
C. Watched American Idol.
D. It is written.

Ok, give up? It's C.
And what's the answer? What DO Wham!, the A-Team theme song, and your mom all have in common? "Things you don't do on the show."

G and I were watching it tonight. I'll admit, I'm kind of a book kid through-and-through, even though I've been sucked into "The Office," and, for awhile there, "Entourage." And yes, "The City." Although that doesn't really count, because I watch that when I have time, online...which might actually make me lamer.

Ok, ok, and "The Cosby Show." I admit it. I love it, I grew up on it, it's hysterical, don't get me started on the jelly-in-the-blender-Peter-clotheshamper episode, or my run-on sentences.

I digress. As G and I were watching this rare moment of televisional (televisionary?) glory, this hour of pure karaoke madness, I realized, in what is possibly the purest moment of human arrogance since Gore claimed he invented the internet, that I could do this shit and I could do it WELL. Well, maybe not as good as G, but pretty stupidly good.

That being said, here's a list that G and I compiled of things that would FLOOR the judges. We plan to audition for 2010, make it to the top 36 at least, and then whip one of these out.

In no particular order:

1. "For my selection, I'm going to just hum the 'A-Team' theme."

2. G thought it would be funny to refuse to continue competing unless we could duet.

3. The popcorn dance that crazy gym teachers made you do in middle school. No, seriously - the one that was to weird space percussion, da-da-da-da-da-da-da, da-da-DA-da-da-da-da, you know? And you hopped on one foot, like a tweaked-out hokey pokey, then another, then you did a weird version of the Cotton-eyed-Joe, oh God. It was strange. But I remember it. And I taught it to my kids.

4. There's this guy, I forget his name, but he plays piano. He has this one song, it's called like, 3:12, or some time amount, but he just sits, at the piano, for that many minutes and seconds. That's it. If you did that you could definitely punk Simon.

5. "The Electric Slide" (preferably the dance and the vocals).

6. A theme song by Danny Elfman.

7. A solo rendition of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light," preferably with commentary in the bridge just like Meatloaf does it, and the baseball-nailage analogizing.

8. Just in case you couldn't tell we're being sarcastic yet, anything by: MJ (unless you're as hot and talented as David Cook, and that's been done now too, so no), Sting/The Police, or someone(s) equally eminent and awesome and impossible to imitate and justify with your pathetic attempts.

We also decided there were some songs that were clear winners. You are not allowed to steal these and sing them yourself:

1. "Tempted by the Fruit of Another" by Squeeze, but only if you can do that awesome guttural throat thing he's got going on at the end, when he goes "Ohhhh tempted, by the fruit, of another..." (Squeeze apparently lacks phonological awareness).

2. "Happiness Is a Warm Gun" by the Beatles, off the White Album. DONE.

3. "Son of a Preacher Man," Dusty Springfield. Also DONE.

4. "Somebody to Love" by Queen.

5. A really, really, really awesome version of anything by corporate rock band Kansas. We over here in Apt 3D think you should lean toward "Dust in the Wind," but people might leer at you and deem you unoriginal. Thus, we suggest you go crazy with "Point of No Return." No one has such a wide spectrum of enthusiasm in such a short career as Kansas.

6. Things that sounded good in '80s that you could easily dominate. Example: "Bette Davis Eyes," Kim Carnes.

7. "She's Gone," Hall and Oates (you'd have to be really soulful, though, so if you don't have that in you...forget it, you're done).

8. "Hole in my Soul" by Aerosmith. See, with bands like Aerosmith, that are undeniably great but A) went through some major drug years where things sound the same for a loooong time or B) have been around so long that multiple generations admire their works, but for the same reasons; you're ok. Because, while MJ has been around forever, he A) he doesn't look like the same person and B) he continually reinvents himself musically. He could release an album of just him in the restroom ("Michael Jackson presents: Bathroom Sounds") and people would probably flock to Virgin to buy that shit (no pun intended). Aerosmith, however, has a million songs that all sound a liiiiiittle bit like "Pink," or "Crazy." They're a band where people hear them and say, "Hey, isn't this...Cryin'?" and you're like, no, it's the one with Alicia Silverstone in the video, and then the person's like, Oh, right, and Liv Tyler, right? and they're stripping? and then you're all arguing if it's "Crazy" or "Cryin'" or the one in "Armageddon," etc.

Anyway, bands like Aerosmith are totally different from bands like The Police because you can individualize the songs and kill it on national television. Comparable: Bon Jovi, Guns & Roses [so long as you don't fantasize you're Axl or attempt to wear a bandanna].

If we had to do a Frayer model, non-examples would include Springsteen or The Who. You have to be really careful. See, Springsteen may sound the same, but he's an untouchable. No one really sings "Glory Days" like The Boss, and you shouldn't try. Again, David Cook, exception. He's like a boot verb.

Words I Made Up During This Post:
-Analogizing
-Televisionary
-Televisional
-Nailage

Songs I Enjoy:
"Rich Girl (remix)" - Young Gunz
"I Could Never Be Your Woman" - White Town
"Jamie" - Weezer
"Goodbye Stranger" - Supertramp
"Everyday People" - Sly & the Family Stone
"You're All I Need to Get By" - Marvin Gaye